Western (white) psychosis is a term I was confronted with recently, at a festival where much of the discussion was centred on white privilege and its effect on people in cities. It felt confrontational because of the many arguments I’ve heard against the labelling of bad people as mentally unwell. They’re not poorly, they’re just bastards. This I can appreciate, I wouldn’t want to inadvertently tar mentally ill people with all the nastiness in the world. I know plenty of disordered people and they’re mostly a nice bunch who wouldn’t hurt a fly. Their disorders are an appropriate reaction to their surroundings and they can heal, given the love and support it requires. No, white supremacists are just savage fuckers, driven by greed and power and control.

Then I thought about it a bit. “..a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality” and it seemed fitting. White people exist in a parallel dimension where they see nothing wrong with the ways they continue to control the lives of the very peoples they once slaughtered in their own native lands, for that is our reality. Non-white people didn’t come to these shores looking for trouble; they were either forcibly dragged over or else promised a pipe dream in exchange for the slaying of their forefathers and looting of all their supplies. How could this picture look different to anyone unless they had lost contact with reality? We are here because you made it happen.

Imagine being so detached from this that you fail to see the ways in white people haven’t changed, not a bit, not since the days of the ‘Raj’ or the American ‘Civil War’. Young black men slaughtered on the streets of London are justifiably murdered even when they are later cleared of any suspicion with actual evidence. The British legal system made the murder of non-whites legitimate even when they pose no risk, in case you missed that. His name was Mark Duggan and the police killed him but nobody was sent down. Heck, in America they have actual video footage of Eric Garner being slowly strangled to death but no indictment there either – apart from the black man who filmed the white man murdering the other black one.  Indicted for filming the unlawful killing of a civilian but the white dude literally gets away with murder.

If a white woman had been slain in the same manner as our sister in Colchester, Cobra woulda been on it but she was a Muslim (targeted for her clothing) and so, not much of a big deal.

It’s a bit rich negging at me with the age old gaslighting of divide rule and conquer, that I come from a land of savages and I’d just be a rapist’s wet dream back in the motherland when I was raped by a white dude whilst living over here. So they treat their women like that, white men must behave like utter shitlords around them too? What is it with white dudes and their fingers wondering over the modest dress of a woman, the very thing she is forced to wear, to prevent an odious tosser from trying it in the first place? Have white women become too much of a headache for you? I’ve heard white men extol the virtues of us exotic women over their white girls as being good little wimminz who cook for their men and understand what it means to be a real woman. White women think that us of too so it’s hardly surprising they treat us like children and insufferable tools of the patriarchy, to be excluded from feminist movements and erased from the historical narrative.

They actually think they’re better than us. They think they’re smarter, happier, healthier, more innovative and cultured, special little snowflakes who deserve everything they stole. Look at all the pretty things they’ve amassed, us savages wouldn’t have known what to do with all that booty. They say that the east is preparing to wage a religious war and good white Christians and atheists alike should bomb them to shit before they get a chance. They act as if this is the first war of its kind and choose to ignore the Crusades and every subsequent clash since. They somehow think a Judeo-Christian alliance is the way forward and will rid the world of the evil that is Islam not for one minute cringing at the historical inaccuracies in this argument.

A significant number of the white population is congratulating itself on the Torture Report this evening. They’re standing by the rape of ‘turruhrists’ detained without trial. They’re saying I deserve to be raped by the ‘turruhrists’ for challenging their depravity. In the same breath I am told that I am a cunt. Nowt psychotic about that, or is there? The incongruence between the rules we all live by in a society and the reality for the majority of people of colour is so stark that I am convinced that there is something in this white psychosis thing.

It is an understatement to say there is no grip on things here, that it’s a magical world of make believe they invent on the spot. They present us with the way they want to be seen, as somehow enlightened and civilised and worthy of the servitude they demand. Yet I see savages everywhere. From the shadows of a past steeped in cruelty at the hands of the British who promised them brotherhood and then slaughtered all their children and left the homeland in ruins (when they resisted evangelical Christianity) to the modern day concentration camps housing non-white prisoners of an imaginary war (I believe ISIS exists as I believed the Taliban did, just not for the reasons they say) where they routinely rape inmates and threaten to rape their mothers too, I cannot be more convinced that they are all in fact under some kind of mass delusion that is so ingrained it is a part of life they don’t question, and neither do we, in case they kill us for it.

They will rape us and murder us and bury us in unmarked graves as though we never existed. Yet somehow we’re the subhuman ones. It makes me wonder whether a heap of disorders are constructed in a way to make it appear as though the victim suffering the symptoms of hardship is in need of institutionalisation whilst the puppet masters are given a country to run. It is vital we note BME peoples are disproportionately at risk of mental health issues. I imagine destitution and being made to feel inhuman by your colonisers has a lot to do with it. The very same people creating institutions and models of mental health who seem to thrive in a system where so many are homeless and starving.

Make u think, no?


Dear hostmaster(at)accesscomm.ca,

Please find attached screenshots of abusive messages from IP

I’m not sure what you’re going to do with this information as nobody seems to care about this kind of thing, but I’m hoping we haven’t slipped too far down the rabbit hole just yet. It says to report abuse on this email and that’s what I’m doing.

Yours despairingly,


2489105126 2489105126dickwad


TW: Mental health in pregnancy can kill

A woman lost her life and her baby did too. We don’t know why. All we can do is empathise and lie awake despairing at the world that allowed such a thing to happen. She left the hospital in slippers, no coat, odd considering it’s almost Christmas, an irregularity that would surely have made someone look up and notice something was terribly wrong. Nobody did though. She was allowed to leave the hospital with the baby wrapped in a few blankets. There was no proud dad by her side, with his chest puffed out like a pigeon, babe in arms, she didn’t roll out in a wheelchair. Nobody checked to see if she had ordered a taxi.

In saying all this I’m not revealing myself to be some kind of undercover nanny state advocate, I’m merely describing every single birth of a child I’ve had the privilege of being involved in, and even my own early induction (medical miscarriage). Especially my own experience being as it was mentally fucked up. Surely someone would have noticed the woman who didn’t look like all the others, one whose eyes are empty, can barely lift her head to see where she’s going. She might be dressed inappropriately for the weather, in hospital slippers minus the usual winter attire. If this wasn’t an immediate concern, then the baby wrapped only in blankets would have raised an eyebrow. It’s not like you can get out of a hospital very fast, there are so many nobs to pull and buttons to press to get anywhere, especially on a maternity ward, measures introduced to prevent people just strolling in and stealing babies. Nurses stations are usually by the doors, they had to have seen her.

Unless maternity services are so stretched no one has any time to see you as a person, just a number taking the total down, if only briefly. Where was the prenatal screening for depression and appropriate support if she needed it? Health professionals, in my experience, are usually on it from the second you meet them, how you must tell them if you’re feeling low, the sort of services they can refer you to and tend to be very sympathetic to the ‘baby blues’; all this at barely 10 weeks pregnant (in my experience and practically everyone I know).

Why didn’t somebody notice? We’ve heard all the judgments this past week, of women who abandon motherly love, how, even if it had been that bad she could have handed the baby in to someone, how selfish it was of her to leave the baby so callously and justice should be served. I have been praying (to something, not sure what) that she would be ‘ok’, though I feared not. It is heart-breaking that this mother and her baby died a death that could have been prevented. An alternate ending where she lives happily ever after, supported by all those she comes into contact with could have been her reality. I know because I have had that support and everyone did the right things and I lived.

This death doesn’t make sense to me. There are so many people in your face about keeping your foetus and to their exacting standards (no smoking, no drinking or evacuating) with no acknowledgment of the hell pregnancy plays on your mind and your body, and yet LITERALLY the second they’re born, they’re invisible. No more badgering mum to watch her eating habits or put on a coat and some shoes, or checking to see if you’ve put the nappy on properly, or teaching you how to breastfeed or bringing you painkillers, or a sandwich, cup of tea or toast. Or the millions of test they do on a baby when it’s first born.

Why didn’t anyone notice? Will ‘lessons’ be’ learnt’ on this occasion?


I believe ALL victims of racism

Well who would have thought it in a million years but an Eastenders actress, Linda Henry is facing trial for ‘allegations’ of racism. That’s right, a blonde cockney reject, probably better remembered for her performance in Bad Girls (whatever that’s worth), has been naughty enough to warrant an actual public trial to prove she has been guilty of this actual crime as postulated by law.

I reckon she’s a big fat racist y’know. I say this because I’ve a wedge of evidence supporting my ‘allegations’ of racism against a number of individuals but the police advised me instead to shut down my social networks and threatened me with criminal proceedings for a few words I said regarding all 4 billion men on the planet. Despite the facts, that racism is illegal and that as a victim I have the right to justice (allegedly) I wasn’t acknowledged in this respect. Ms Henry’s victim though, well, the police, CPS etc were convinced they were racially abused enough to warrant taking the case to trial. As anyone who has ever worked in any capacity in the criminal justice system knows, the authorities do not want their success rates affected by your tenuous case. They have to be absolutely certain a crime has been committed and they can prove it in a court of law or else they don’t bother.

So it is with this insider knowledge (both in the legal system and occupying a brown body) that I can say hand on heart, I believe them. I believe every single victim of racism who discloses they have been racially abused. I don’t believe in the race card. I think that was phrase coined by controlling whites to dismiss, deny, gaslight non-whites by discrediting their validity as humans struggling to survive in a white system.

Here’s a radical thought for you: All white people are a little bit racist at least because they continue to enjoy the spoils of empire whilst the rest of us are systematically dehumanised and it is only white people who have the power to change this. White people are ‘deeply offended’ at being labelled a racist but they do not consider it offensive when we are racially abused daily. Where is all the white outrage at the BBCs insistence on pushing the good old days of empire on us whenever it needs to fill up the schedule? Why have they refused to suspend Henry over the ‘allegations’? If one of their brown employees was suddenly suspected of terrorism without evidence would they be afforded the same grace? You’ll have to pardon my mock outrage at the state broadcaster’s blatant racism, but it’s worth noting they are the medium through which bigotry of various flavours is justified. Whether you’re a traveller or a Muslim, good ol’ Aunty Beeb will put the white population straight. Thousands of us are being spoken about as though we are less than human and our lives do not matter, that we can be carted back to the jungle if enough of the whites agree. If there truly were enough white abolitionists among us BBC HQ would be surrounded until they admitted their crimes against humanity.

I have been racially abused, manipulated and cast aside. I know how it feels to know your perpetrator is lying but they will be believed on account of the colour of their skin. This is why I will always believe victims of racism, just as I will always believe victims of sexual violence. Just because the rules are set up to favour those with white skin or male privilege, does not make it the truth because a white western judge or jury says so. Even if Henry is acquitted, it means nothing to me and many thousands more like me.

We’ve got your number, white people. If you look like a racist (white) you probably are.


A person like me

What is the point of social media for someone like me? When I say ‘me’ what exactly do I mean? I’m not under any illusions about my existence; I don’t see myself leading you all to revolution or winning a Nobel peace prize or anything. I haven’t the knack for self-promotion for a start. In order to do this I’d need an internal editor capable of presenting an image that fits easily in a white patriarchy; the kind that asks questions but lets you come to your own conclusions, no doubt confirming your own biases, whatever the message. No, there isn’t a place for someone like me, not when I spell it out for you that people like me are suffering, if not fighting for their lives.

I may have been heard if I hadn’t turned the spotlight around on the people mendaciously constructing a world that doesn’t reflect the reality many thousands of ethnic minorities (and ‘others’) experience on this rainy fascism island. My primary malfunction was assuming that the world was ready to hear how the individual contributes to the unjust and unequal system we find ourselves trapped in. The beginning of the end for me was initiated by another woman. A feminist no less, one of the ‘race is not a feminist issue’ brigade, as I discovered when they felt buoyed enough by the support of other white people to say whatever they liked, without consequence.

The world of social media is a microcosm of the world I cannot be a part of irl. The same white gatekeepers exist in positions of power that mark someone like me out as a troublemaker, a loose cannon. Instead of saying this though, noting that we’re all human and fallible, apologising for our prejudices and making promises to do better, it has been standard practice to obliterate the dissenting voice instead, by subjecting the speaker to all of the things they have been protesting against.

I am a survivor of male perpetrated violence and sexual abuse. I was subjected to this violence whilst I was still curled up with my twin in our mother’s womb. I am a survivor of immigration and now realise that a lot of the violence I and the other women in my family were subjected to was exacerbated by the ways in which the men of my family were treated by the British Empire. I am learning about my heritage and I can finally understand the ghosts that haunted my grandfather, a child who witnessed partition and then never spoke of it again. He was in the army, we knew that much. He had his name crudely tattooed on his arm in biro ink, in case they needed to identify his corpse I presume. On leaving the army he came to settle in Birmingham and worked extremely hard for 5 years before he could bring over his wife and 3 small children, my father being the middle one. When he eventually did call for them, they were almost lost forever when the plane they had been ordered to leave – to make space for VIPs who were given priority – crashed over France killing all those on board. My family is a miracle. They survived the empire and they made it to this country in one piece.

However, the struggle for basic survival didn’t end with them, whatever the white knights of Twitter seem to think. It’s a bit rich for these white saviours to mock us with stories of how our dark men are mutilating our vaginas and killing us for talking to boys and how much worse off we’d be if we’d been born in any of the brown countries. The fact that my female cousins had a private education in Pakistan with one of them awarded a scholarship for a doctorate in engineering isn’t something I’ve ever felt the need to share to silence the hecklers, as if they would listen or believe me anyway. I don’t need to be reminded of patriarchal violence and control; my great grandmother was beaten to death by her man. It wasn’t the Asian or Muslim in him that made him do this or ensured she was victim to it. It was power and control. Patriarchal power and control; the kind that rears its ugly head when your country is under attack and ‘your women’ are being raped, being as they are merely vessels for the patrilineage. The kind that prompts my apparently relaxed Sufi like ancestors to suddenly turn inwards and toughen their cultural praxis so that others cannot accuse them of allowing the British to bastardise their values. Of course that’s going to be amplified when they arrive in said coloniser’s country. I see the anger and disapproval they pelted me with as I was growing up as a reaction to colonial power and control and their abuse of my person as a manifestation of their own post-traumatic stress disorders and Stockholm syndrome. My grandparents were promised a home away from home but when they arrived here they were faced with severe violence and abuse yet their reaction to it was to accept their dehumanised status and suffer the blows. That pent up rage and hurt had to make its exit somewhere and it was people like me who bore the brunt of it. I forgive them though, because I know it wasn’t their fault. It was yours ‘Great Britain’.

I shunned my brown Muslim family the first chance I got, running away from home aged 15, cutting my dark waist length hair into a bob, eating all the pork products I could ram into my mouth (denouncing the Muslim God as I masticated), just out of spite. I thought the drunker I got, the more they’d accept I was one of them. I had to find a white boyfriend cos that would give me the protection I needed from both racist whites and vengeful brownies. I was annoyed at my gran for not telling us a distant cousin had married a white man (who’d converted to Islam for her) and that she’d instructed the other women to keep it a secret too. She was afraid we were ripe for the poaching y’see. She was right. Maybe if I married a white man I could have a properly white sounding name too. I was already called Sam and had dropped my uber Arabic surname because of the lack of opportunities it had lumped me with. A mere 6 hrs after I’d begrudgingly westernised my name, I was given my first interview in 3 months. That’s how racist Britain was in 2005, regardless of what we were told.

I’m not proud of the ways I have ducked and dived the judgements racism has thrown my way. I am not ashamed of it either. I am able to reason that survival is cruel and I did whatever was necessary. White people make it impossible for you to exist in a way that honours your cultural background then mock you for leaving it behind. This is the exact reason why I give up, why I’m done trying to get people to think. The issue here is not one of co-existing in a tolerant society and resistance to this liberal way of life but the shifting of goalposts so that it never matters that we do our best or bow our heads, it’s just not good enough. White Britons want us to jump through hoops like the good little Asians do, they want us to change our beliefs/personalities depending on who is calling it at the time, even if it is some beer bloated ignorant pig of a chav (I’m working class, what of it?) who thinks they’re better than you cos their ruling classes stole from yours. On this matter of working class whites, I am done with trying to understand a section of society so downtrodden and put upon by the illuminated ones “It’s not their fault they’re poor and stupid, their racism isn’t really racism, they’re just ignorant”. Stop right there and hear me on this; I left school at 16, I don’t have a formal education or trust fund and I am not a racist either. When I look at white people I don’t see degrees of racism based on their level of education/class. I see people who recognise my humanity and those who want me silenced/dead because they believe I am not human enough. Call me a paki and I’ll call you white trash.

So y’see, I know why my peers and even those with a much smaller vocabulary than me are being published in the papers, their voices resonating with all who look like them. They are the ones who know how to play the system because it has been set up to benefit them. I know how this game goes but I’m not a very good liar and it’s never been about a high flying meeja career. I want to say what I need to say and for it to be heard and believed as my lived experiences. However if anyone actually did that then they would have to admit how they benefit from the status quo and nobody wants to relinquish their privilege or share it with someone as outspoken as me (they think I think like them and want the things they want and this scares them).

I am a British Asian woman who tried to be all that was required of me but soon realised that meant I had to be dishonest and dissociate for the privilege of success in a white capitalist patriarchy. I have grown to hate this country I so loved once upon a time. I don’t want to bomb it or teach anyone a lesson, terror is terror, whoever experiences it, even the knuckleheads but I will smash anyone upside the head if they ‘do a racism’ in my presence. I am shackled and gagged on social media, I am prevented from defending myself, I do not deserve solidarity and so I give up, take it, keep it for yourselves. We’ve come too far to backtrack the racism of the past year and now I fear we’re hurtling towards the inevitable. Sticking around without the backing I need from white ‘allies’ is waving myself like a red flag to a bunch of fascist bull shits.

It’s safer to behave as though you do not exist.


If I was a blonde girl

Following on from a week where internet trolls have had the clear message that abuse will not be tolerated, in the case of rich famous and white Chloe Madeley and the jailing of a racist tweeter for a single anti-Semitic tweet, I am forced to revisit my own experiences with social media sites and the law and how easy it was to dismiss me despite the reams of evidence that clearly proved I was being targeted because of my race and my gender.

Twitter responded in this way, every single time I reported. That was all really. Not a single acknowledgment that I exist and am a person with recourse to justice.


The police sent out a plod who sat with me for 3 hours trying to convince me not All Coppers Are Bastards and how a lot of the negative image falls down to The Met. He seemed thorough enough taking the details down and I was left with the impression they’d do everything they could to protect me. However then I received this letter which had the opposite effect. In fact it has affected my life to such a degree, I cannot leave the house on my own. It doesn’t take a lot to frighten me into isolation but the fact that there is no recourse to safety for me has a huge amount to do with it. Why would I risk racism/sexism in the streets when I can’t dial 999 safe in the knowledge they’ll come to my rescue? They think I can handle myself and it would be difficult to prove I was alarmed or distressed. Well, speak to my GP, why not, and ask him whether I am capable of protecting myself. They might listen to a professional who can confirm that saying a few reactionary words are not indicative of someone who can defend themselves against rapists and racists. Those words are all I have. I cannot physically defend myself, I fear walking the streets in case anyone bumps into me and I’m left paralysed (I have a degenerative disc disease).

Why is it ok for people to speak to me like this?







Of course you could just look at what I showed the police.

What kind of victim would you have me play? Do I need a famous father to push you into caring about what happens to people like me? Would it have helped if half of the media world didn’t hate my guts for calling them out on their latent racism? How about not calling the cops out on the few hundred rogue officers preying on and raping women? Maybe then someone would have noticed or cared. Maybe, if the big white feminists thought of me as a woman and equal they would be shocked at the many ways in which it is possible to abuse someone like me.

It’s no secret I have been feeling suicidal of late. I am 32 year old woman without a job, with moderate to severe mental and physical disabilities and I am still on the run from the domestic abusers who raised me. I have complex CPTSD. I am never going to be ‘cured’. I have meant very little to anyone my whole life and it has been a struggle staying alive. When I am consistently given the message that my life, my personhood is just not as important as that white girl there, or that politician at the top, it becomes even more difficult keeping things into perspective.

I want to leave this country. I am disgusted every second by the society we live in; this one that points the finger over there at the horrors perpetrated by foreigners, never once admitting the cruelty we are exposed to on our own doorsteps. The two tier system in which your face either fits or doesn’t. I have no faith in the law, or its enforcers. They work only for people who look like them.