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You are exactly like all the others, whatever they say

If you were one of those people who insisted it is not Islamophobic to scrutinise Islam and Muslim people when you are neither of those things yourself then you personally contributed to the actions which led to a Sikh man being identified as a Muslim terrorist (by Gamergate trolls who exist only to torment vulnerable people cos ethics) and reported to the rest of the world before the information was even verified. This happened beacause the western world is largely ignorant of the rest of us and experiences it as a sort of quaint skewed little fairy tale which best fits their centuries old prejudices. The media were fooled because they are perhaps the most ignorant of the bunch and a brown face to them is always a terrorist. When a poc is probably responsible, as it is whenever there’s a disaster then due process becomes a privilege only afforded to white people. It’s consistent with the experience I have of the western world, where it doesn’t matter what you do to distinguish yourself from all the others, you’ll always be a paki, regardless of whether or not you are actually from Pakistan.

I’ve been asked where I’m from more times than whether I’ve had a good day, I know this much without doing the maths. Once upon a time I humoured it and asked people to guess and they did; Maltese, Greek, Arab, Iranian, Afghani, Latina, the list goes on and on. White people literally see colour before they see anything else and depending on your answer to this question draw conclusions before you need say anything further. I was always wary of saying Pakistani because I’d grown up feeling like the proverbial shit on one’s shoe for no apparent reason, it was just a feeling that was ever present. I used to say I was Kashmiri and this was partly true, my mum hails from there but I always had a sense it was preferable to identify as Indian, as all the Muslim Indians I knew liked to rub it in, for why, I had no idea, but it was there, this unspoken rule. I imagine now it was the residual tenets of divide rule and conquer which had passed down the generations, infecting us before we were even born. It’s apparent in the token few who deny our existence and experiences of the world so that white people can write us off as bullies and attention seekers, this idea that we must only object because we are jealous and not genuinely critical for the greater good. They will attach themselves to each other as allies and ambassadors for one another just to keep you out and struggling.

The ignorant world we find ourselves in is a direct consequence of white supremacists and their token allies. Every time a white person says to you you are not like all the others and you’re actually some kind of special snowflake, it is a lie. You are maybe a toy to the person who says that to you, someone they can wind up and watch make a fool of themselves but you are most definitely just like the others to all the white people you haven’t yet met, and probably most definitely the person who would say such a racist thing in the first place. If you’re a poc and you’re still struggling with observing and identifying divide rule and conquer, if Veerender Jubbal’s case has not made your blood run cold in horror, that the people in control of narratives can get it so very wrong, then you alone will be responsible for the ways in which you are abused.

A Sikh man (wearing a Sikh turban which is completely different to other brown people’s head coverings) can be thrust onto the world stage without his consent, without any viable reason for this attack on his identity (not that racist targeting is a viable reason even when the subject is Muslim), have a Quran photoshopped into his hands (replacing the ipad) and the media will probably get away with it, but we mustn’t let them. Remember that time little old me made a mistake that barely a few thousand people will have seen (though they will have most definitely witnessed my unprompted apology) yet the media acted as though I had killed someone with my false allegation of racism, the way they used it to whip me with because it was just such a terrible thing to accuse someone of being a racist shitheel. Well it’s actually worse to be a victim of racism, even more than being falsely accused in a system where actually, racism is inherent, it being a proud nation built on the looting and erasure of other people and cultures, and unrepentant in its ways.

The media is massively racist, whatever they might say. They just proved it.

I am done

*Barfomenz pricks, heads up. The popo might not give 2 shits about me but you crossed a few lines even the cops can’t ignore. I know you probably don’t understand family or love so you have no concept of protecting the ones you love as a result but this isn’t just about me. This is much bigger than that. When you go down, it won’t be one or two of you, it’ll be the entire cocking thing. I’m just gonna wait for that to happen and let you have your sick little fantasies in the meantime because let’s face it, you have nothing else. You’re not smart or beautiful or sporty, you’re just pond scum. The sort I would happily stab a million times with a blunt pencil for kicks (ooh, go on, report me for my threats to fill you with lead).

You had an advantage targeting me because I’m ill, cos pathetic little boys like you can’t take on someone the same size or on an equal footing, so you sit behind your little screens and kill/fuck cartoons with your stupid joysticks and threaten women and kids with sexual and physical violence. You are the definition of subhuman*

I am done with social networking or antisocial as the case has been. I threw myself out there because I felt like I could make a difference with everything I’ve learnt in my life and work but when I spoke up, the very people I was complaining about attacked me in their droves. The people purportedly on my side enabled them to do this. The same people who will commission Indian people to talk about India’s big rape problem without acknowledging the horrific rape and abuse on our own doorstep. The sorts who deny the racism inflicted on us every hour of every day without exception and in fact encourage it as a means of shutting us down. Those ‘lefties’ bent on defending their right to joke about rape and pour scorn on the imaginary race card without ever once reflecting on their whiteness and privilege.

You’ll have seen the new story regarding the woman beheaded in the street in Egypt. Such a brutal loss of life, such a horrific tale of male dominance and violence. We don’t treat our women like that.. Except we sorta do, (in a not immediately fatal sense, at least not always). The law may have been changed barely more than 50 years ago, to end capital punishment but the process of humiliation and voyeurism remains unchanged. The act of being tortured (physically or verbally) in front of your peers, to remind them of what happens to those who do not play the game is what they did to me, and everybody just stood around gawping, some too timid to speak, others revelling in their recently uncovered powers of impunity. That racism and sexism and privilege I was banging on about, they denied it by doing those exact things.

“How terrible to accuse someone of racism! I’m not a racist you fucking Paki”

“What do you mean you have an opinion? I’m going to kill you, you slag”

They twisted everything, they abused us and enabled others to abuse us with their huge fucking platforms and all the while a load of white people who have nothing going for themselves other than also being white, were listening and waiting for the time it was ok to call you a Paki online, and in the street.

Theresa May recently unveiled plans to make emotional abuse, controlling and coercive behaviour a jail-able offence, with up to five years in prison and a fine. Within an intimate relationship she described it as being ‘tantamount to torture’. I have had those relationships but I have also felt similarly being on the receiving end of racists and misogynists online, the point being that they attach to an existing collage of male violence and license to abuse. I already suffered from a condition affecting victims of torture before I’d even discovered social media.

To me, that image of the decapitated woman lying dead on the ground hurt my heart because she could have been my sister. Heck, she could have been me. I may not have had my throat slit but many have threatened to do exactly that to me. The frog in my throat that makes it difficult to breathe and speak is distressing. The idea that I might lose my mind again brings me back to the woman they beheaded. Her head was physically removed from her body by men who do what they like. The constant stream of white men telling me to kill myself, or threatening to doxx me or my family, or rape and slaughter me, sharing pictures lifted from an underage cousin’s profile, of her and my precious baby nephews, and bombarding me with images of torture, violence, images so gruesome any truly human person would feel shaken to the core is an attempt at a beheading of the emotional kind. The intention is to push me to the point where I do kill myself, a thing they feel is certain if they can only push me far enough. I don’t need to look to Egypt if I want to feel sorry for women; I have my fill of patriarchal misogyny in the apparently civilised west.

I am deleting these profiles now cos I do not want in on any platform that favours and benefits white men; the ones that delete the accounts of breastfeeding mothers but inform me that my rape threats do not violate community standards. I couldn’t give a stuff about ‘social’ networking. I do not attach easily to material possessions or ideas of what it means to be cool or current. When I reported these same fuckers to the police over 6 months ago, they cautioned me for kill all men. Now here we are, you’ve seen the images and how futile it is to expect justice when you are a woman of colour speaking truth. It is ok to threaten me with physical and sexual violence; this was confirmed to the abusers when the police and the platforms did fuck all about actual laws being broken. The thought of this makes me want to kill myself before someone else does. I may not have any control over a single thing in this godforsaken country but I am damned if I don’t get to call how it ends. I haven’t spent time teaching myself to breathe only to die a violent death at the hands of a fucking manz.

Silencing is what brought me to Twitter and it is why I leave it now too. The world hasn’t changed for the better these few years, it’s gotten considerably worse. Your allies are not your friends, all coppers are bastards and I really think we should kill all men (as in not just the black ones).

A person like me

What is the point of social media for someone like me? When I say ‘me’ what exactly do I mean? I’m not under any illusions about my existence; I don’t see myself leading you all to revolution or winning a Nobel peace prize or anything. I haven’t the knack for self-promotion for a start. In order to do this I’d need an internal editor capable of presenting an image that fits easily in a white patriarchy; the kind that asks questions but lets you come to your own conclusions, no doubt confirming your own biases, whatever the message. No, there isn’t a place for someone like me, not when I spell it out for you that people like me are suffering, if not fighting for their lives.

I may have been heard if I hadn’t turned the spotlight around on the people mendaciously constructing a world that doesn’t reflect the reality many thousands of ethnic minorities (and ‘others’) experience on this rainy fascism island. My primary malfunction was assuming that the world was ready to hear how the individual contributes to the unjust and unequal system we find ourselves trapped in. The beginning of the end for me was initiated by another woman. A feminist no less, one of the ‘race is not a feminist issue’ brigade, as I discovered when they felt buoyed enough by the support of other white people to say whatever they liked, without consequence.

The world of social media is a microcosm of the world I cannot be a part of irl. The same white gatekeepers exist in positions of power that mark someone like me out as a troublemaker, a loose cannon. Instead of saying this though, noting that we’re all human and fallible, apologising for our prejudices and making promises to do better, it has been standard practice to obliterate the dissenting voice instead, by subjecting the speaker to all of the things they have been protesting against.

I am a survivor of male perpetrated violence and sexual abuse. I was subjected to this violence whilst I was still curled up with my twin in our mother’s womb. I am a survivor of immigration and now realise that a lot of the violence I and the other women in my family were subjected to was exacerbated by the ways in which the men of my family were treated by the British Empire. I am learning about my heritage and I can finally understand the ghosts that haunted my grandfather, a child who witnessed partition and then never spoke of it again. He was in the army, we knew that much. He had his name crudely tattooed on his arm in biro ink, in case they needed to identify his corpse I presume. On leaving the army he came to settle in Birmingham and worked extremely hard for 5 years before he could bring over his wife and 3 small children, my father being the middle one. When he eventually did call for them, they were almost lost forever when the plane they had been ordered to leave – to make space for VIPs who were given priority – crashed over France killing all those on board. My family is a miracle. They survived the empire and they made it to this country in one piece.

However, the struggle for basic survival didn’t end with them, whatever the white knights of Twitter seem to think. It’s a bit rich for these white saviours to mock us with stories of how our dark men are mutilating our vaginas and killing us for talking to boys and how much worse off we’d be if we’d been born in any of the brown countries. The fact that my female cousins had a private education in Pakistan with one of them awarded a scholarship for a doctorate in engineering isn’t something I’ve ever felt the need to share to silence the hecklers, as if they would listen or believe me anyway. I don’t need to be reminded of patriarchal violence and control; my great grandmother was beaten to death by her man. It wasn’t the Asian or Muslim in him that made him do this or ensured she was victim to it. It was power and control. Patriarchal power and control; the kind that rears its ugly head when your country is under attack and ‘your women’ are being raped, being as they are merely vessels for the patrilineage. The kind that prompts my apparently relaxed Sufi like ancestors to suddenly turn inwards and toughen their cultural praxis so that others cannot accuse them of allowing the British to bastardise their values. Of course that’s going to be amplified when they arrive in said coloniser’s country. I see the anger and disapproval they pelted me with as I was growing up as a reaction to colonial power and control and their abuse of my person as a manifestation of their own post-traumatic stress disorders and Stockholm syndrome. My grandparents were promised a home away from home but when they arrived here they were faced with severe violence and abuse yet their reaction to it was to accept their dehumanised status and suffer the blows. That pent up rage and hurt had to make its exit somewhere and it was people like me who bore the brunt of it. I forgive them though, because I know it wasn’t their fault. It was yours ‘Great Britain’.

I shunned my brown Muslim family the first chance I got, running away from home aged 15, cutting my dark waist length hair into a bob, eating all the pork products I could ram into my mouth (denouncing the Muslim God as I masticated), just out of spite. I thought the drunker I got, the more they’d accept I was one of them. I had to find a white boyfriend cos that would give me the protection I needed from both racist whites and vengeful brownies. I was annoyed at my gran for not telling us a distant cousin had married a white man (who’d converted to Islam for her) and that she’d instructed the other women to keep it a secret too. She was afraid we were ripe for the poaching y’see. She was right. Maybe if I married a white man I could have a properly white sounding name too. I was already called Sam and had dropped my uber Arabic surname because of the lack of opportunities it had lumped me with. A mere 6 hrs after I’d begrudgingly westernised my name, I was given my first interview in 3 months. That’s how racist Britain was in 2005, regardless of what we were told.

I’m not proud of the ways I have ducked and dived the judgements racism has thrown my way. I am not ashamed of it either. I am able to reason that survival is cruel and I did whatever was necessary. White people make it impossible for you to exist in a way that honours your cultural background then mock you for leaving it behind. This is the exact reason why I give up, why I’m done trying to get people to think. The issue here is not one of co-existing in a tolerant society and resistance to this liberal way of life but the shifting of goalposts so that it never matters that we do our best or bow our heads, it’s just not good enough. White Britons want us to jump through hoops like the good little Asians do, they want us to change our beliefs/personalities depending on who is calling it at the time, even if it is some beer bloated ignorant pig of a chav (I’m working class, what of it?) who thinks they’re better than you cos their ruling classes stole from yours. On this matter of working class whites, I am done with trying to understand a section of society so downtrodden and put upon by the illuminated ones “It’s not their fault they’re poor and stupid, their racism isn’t really racism, they’re just ignorant”. Stop right there and hear me on this; I left school at 16, I don’t have a formal education or trust fund and I am not a racist either. When I look at white people I don’t see degrees of racism based on their level of education/class. I see people who recognise my humanity and those who want me silenced/dead because they believe I am not human enough. Call me a paki and I’ll call you white trash.

So y’see, I know why my peers and even those with a much smaller vocabulary than me are being published in the papers, their voices resonating with all who look like them. They are the ones who know how to play the system because it has been set up to benefit them. I know how this game goes but I’m not a very good liar and it’s never been about a high flying meeja career. I want to say what I need to say and for it to be heard and believed as my lived experiences. However if anyone actually did that then they would have to admit how they benefit from the status quo and nobody wants to relinquish their privilege or share it with someone as outspoken as me (they think I think like them and want the things they want and this scares them).

I am a British Asian woman who tried to be all that was required of me but soon realised that meant I had to be dishonest and dissociate for the privilege of success in a white capitalist patriarchy. I have grown to hate this country I so loved once upon a time. I don’t want to bomb it or teach anyone a lesson, terror is terror, whoever experiences it, even the knuckleheads but I will smash anyone upside the head if they ‘do a racism’ in my presence. I am shackled and gagged on social media, I am prevented from defending myself, I do not deserve solidarity and so I give up, take it, keep it for yourselves. We’ve come too far to backtrack the racism of the past year and now I fear we’re hurtling towards the inevitable. Sticking around without the backing I need from white ‘allies’ is waving myself like a red flag to a bunch of fascist bull shits.

It’s safer to behave as though you do not exist.

I have been victimised

Just deactivated my Twitter account again. I made a remark about how I was targeted with racist spam in a reaction to the spamming of various women online for the last few hours and very soon after I started getting them again. That’s all I know really.

I’ve deactivated not because I want to but because I’ve been told that’s the way to prove you’re intimidated by racists and stalkers and misogynists who want women off the internet. There’s no shame for me in admitting I’ve hit my racial slur limit for the time being. I want to function as humans do, obviously, without the echoes haunting me. I want to be a good friend and a good sister and aunt and carer for my animals. Being abused day in day out with no recourse to safety makes it impossible for me to nurture these relationships because hyper vigilance is exhausting and to be as honest as I can, my real life is in crisis for many reasons right now.

I’m already confined to these four walls for probably 6 days a week, only then stepping out with other people but that’s ok, I don’t want to be out there with the rest of you. Twitter has been invaluable for me to get my message out there and I feel like I need to remind people what that message is and always has been and ask why it is that I am the one who has to leave?

I want to end patriarchal violence. I want you to question every little thing you do and how it impacts on the people around you. I’m not talking to the depraved ones who get off on suffering, I’m sorry they weren’t shown empathy but everyone has a sliding doors moment, where they make the decision to protect themselves or do the right thing (guess which one I chose?) and these sickos chose themselves cos that’s all that matters to them. They can all rot in hell.

The police said there was nothing they could do for me and the person(s) targeting me knows this. They’ve been coming back to mock me, repeatedly victimising me and the cops are loving it (see last blog post’s comments). Well, you’ve got your victim now. Thank you for leaving me in a position where I am without the support I need from people who, ironically, think about others first instead of this bullshit self-serving ‘identity politics’ thing they’ve tarred us with. It’s never been about the self but humbling ourselves and recognising how we have more than others and to be grateful for that and not use it to whip oppressed people (for now we will whip you back). These people are not even people in my mind, they’re demonic. They exist only to goad and cause suffering. I want them all to die painfully without anyone there to support them, have them face their achievements on their deathbeds. Let them suffer the same way, show them the same lack of compassion. You think I was born feeling this way about people, cold and malicious, or did I learn it from the degenerates who taught me that was just the way of the world?

I am not sure how far away I am from giving everything up for good. I know that I can’t and yet, every time I am targeted in this way, by the rich and famous and political (and the mere plebs) I feel myself get a step closer. This world does not care about me so why should I care about it?

Twitter, I’m not going to report to you cos sometimes it’s just not possible. I don’t know who is harassing me and even if I did, it’s not like you give a shit.

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Justice is for white people

This is the response I got from West Midlands police after I asked them to escalate the complaint to superiors. I called the police to help me. They didn’t help me. Instead they gave me a warning.

I knew when I was raped that I could not go to the police because they’d probably say I deserved it for inviting the rapists back. It doesn’t matter that they were just friends when I let them into my home and an entirely normal thing to do when you trust people (who are friends) but in the context of a rape investigation, it’s almost like the purpose of the police is to discredit victims, especially when they are female and almost certainly when they are not white.

The police don’t give a shit about non-white women; I knew this from my work. They don’t much care for white working class women either but they still have the edge over poor brown women. The police can communicate better with people who speak their language, not just spoken but also cultural and unspoken, in the way they’ve been taught to react to things, like, how to be a worthy victim. Whether they self-identify as racist or not, suggesting that non-white perpetrators of violence against women are entitled to that power and control because their religious beliefs are protected by law allegedly and then shrugging as if to say “what can you do with these savages?” IS racist because if they did a little research, picked up a book or two, they’d realise violence against any person who is not your physical match is forbidden. It is racism that allows these people to turn a blind eye and in some cases gleefully abandon vulnerable people because of their immigration status.  This is something I learnt through my work, that the police are inherently racist and sexist.

I don’t like the police. I don’t care if they don’t like me either. I just want to know why I spent my whole life believing racism was illegal and that this meant something could be done about it. Also I know how serious (also illegal) threats to kill are because of the work I have done in the past, yet the police expect me to believe they cannot do anything about the abuse I face because Twitter won’t do something for them. How did they make Twitter oblige when it was the blonde middle class Caroline Criado Perez with her media contacts who was being targeted? She was in all the papers, her face flustered from the stress of being a woman on the internet and we learnt she was clinically depressed from the ordeal. I have CPTSD. I am on medication for mental and physical disabilities. I often have thoughts around suicide and yet the police have dismissed the threats and abuse numerous people subjected to me, even though there was money missing from my bank account.

(TW threats/racism)

“I will slit your throat and hang you upside down bitch, don’t tempt me”

“People are going to hammer you”

“Please shut the fuck up or I will murder you”

“Please shut up you paki”

“If you don’t like Britain go back to your own country you ungrateful whore”

“…You stupid, laughable cry-baby cunt”

“Begging for money on your blog I see…typical Paki girl”

“Proof you can’t be friends with a Paki”

“I’m going to kill you”

“Hahaha you ugly little slag, lol”

“I’m gonna slice you up bitch”

“I’m gonna cut you up”

“Please just drown yourself now please. Still gonna kill you”

If saying “kill all men” is incitement to murder than what is this^ person doing to me? Or the various search terms actually telling me to kill myself? They’re not saying all people should do this, this is a direct threat aimed at me, Sam Ambreen (not all women of colour). No one else, just me. CPTSD makes you hyper vigilant because you feel like you’re going to die most of the time. In the balance of harm, how can West Midlands police have the audacity to follow up a refusal to support me with a warning that I am committing a criminal offence and that they don’t believe me or cannot defend me for saying a few words (regarding 4 billion strange men)?

I’m not sorry that I cannot play the right sort of victim for you. The police are notorious for their inconsistency when it comes to believing victims. If you didn’t fight back, why not, did you on some level enjoy it or give them the impression you were consenting? If you did fight back, well, you’re clearly not a victim and can take care of yourself. In fact now you’re the problem because you’re hostile and a loose cannon. Well, he’s the one with all the scratches on his face (self-defence is only an option if you’re white and middle class, as we reminded Criado Perez only a few days ago).

I cannot fight back; I must leave the internet if things are that bad otherwise I haven’t the right to complain. Helpful advice from the police who are definitely not trying to silence me, say because of my political beliefs and utter distrust of the police. I didn’t want to go to them; I was encouraged to do so by people on Twitter who were horrified at the stream of nastiness I was subjected to. I wasn’t confident they’d do anything but I did not expect to be reminded of how I may be breaking the law for reacting to abuses perpetrated against me.

I don’t want to be in this country. It’s not safe. There is no help here for people like me, only more violence in future. I have nothing positive to say about any of my experiences with the authorities (or the majority of white people). I get it ok, you don’t like me because I can see you’re looking down on me and I know that I’m above that so you do your best to punch down and push me into a corner where no one can hear me. This only means I will keep screaming until the opportunity presents itself to leave this living nightmare. I know my worth (and the law) and you don’t get to call it.

If I now wished global warming would hurry up and drown this tiny island, would you consider that incitement to an act of God?

Twitter Death Threats are Tasteful and Decent

Kill all men. 3 words that erased all the times I was raped, sexually assaulted and beaten by men. These 3 words justify the death threats against me. In saying these words, I have confirmed that I am just as bad as the entitled men and any report I make of abusive behaviour against me is invalid.

I have just finished speaking to the police who called to update me with regards numerous threats to kill and the reams of racist abuse I have been subjected to on Twitter. They advised that Twitter, being based in California refuse to provide British law enforcement officers with any information even in cases where there are threats to kill because their laws around taste and decency differ from ours. Apparently they only concede for serious crimes like murder (not threats to murder).

I want to know how the Metropolitan police were able to investigate the abuse aimed at Twitter activist Caroline Criado Perez (and Stella Creasy) and were able to convince Twitter that the words used to threaten her did breach taste and decency standards even though she is also in the UK (like me). I asked the officer who called me (from West Midlands Police) why this disparity between activists on Twitter when we’re all women receiving death threats and whether she could blame me for thinking it is rooted in structural racism? She maintained that she was just passing on the message from their techie guy and it had nothing to do with race, more that Twitter was refusing to comply. She was also confused because they said it was about protecting their users from opponents of free speech and that surely this protection should be extended to me too, also one of their users.

Why would it though? The internet is awash with rapists and their apologists, misogynists who fantasise about murdering and humiliating women (and probably do in their relationships) and the overall response has been amusing for them. Social networking sites like Facebook will delete an image of a woman breastfeeding a hungry baby because it breaches standards of taste and decency (and sets them apart as somehow enlightened – Darwin award please – among the mammals) yet raging racists like Britain First get a free pass. Murdering entitled scum from the states get a shrine devoted to worshiping male power. Twitter hasn’t responded to the two tickets I got from them acknowledging I’d made complaints regarding gendered abuse and DEATH THREATS but why would they?

In a world where 50 women have been murdered by men this year in this country alone, am I really surprised that gendered abuse is still being ignored by the men in power? The kind of world where the reaction to homicide perpetrated because male entitlement is one of praise and in support of male privilege, not condemnation of the kind of society that allows sick individuals like these to thrive. In a society where rape victims are asked what they did to provoke a rapist into raping them, am I surprised that the 3 words I have at my disposal to empower me when I’m feeling weak (but angry still) are considered equally harmful to the sexual abuse I have been subjected to my whole life (the experiences I have on twitter being an extension to a collage my brain has collated over the years)?

Of course I’m not. This doesn’t change the physiological effects of silencing and legitimisation of abuse has on me. I had a panic attack and had to cut the call short. This was after I explained that I would not be deleting my online profiles because I will not let them succeed in their campaigns to silence me. I won’t let them have the satisfaction and to insist I am complicit in abuse against me if I do not is victim blaming, nothing more or less. It’s not like I have a choice, I do the things I do so that the world is a safer place, one that I can be a part of. Unfortunately this whole incident has served to remind me that I can’t expect this and that attempts to change the status quo will be met with reinforcements from the oppressors.

I’ve advised the police I would like for this complaint to be escalated to their superiors and to find out how it was possible that 2 people were sent to prison for similar offences against a blonde woman.

I’ll let you know how that goes.

Racist Twitter and Silencing

“It’s not about you Sam, stop being such a princess. Why don’t you just shut the fuck up and think about someone else for a change? Well, if you really were a feminist you’d be thinking about the greater good not just your own problems all the freakin’ time..”

I’d like to be the magnanimous diplomat you’d all prefer me to be. I would like to focus my energies on changing policy, make changes from the top down but that was never going to happen was it? Not with my turbulent past and the colour of my skin. Sorry, what? You’ve seen Europeans with darker skin than me? You think I have light skin privilege? Where have you been my whole life?! I WISH you’d been around when I got called a Paki recently, if only you’d been there to set them straight.  You could have shadowed me at school and that job where the platinum blonde admin assistant serenaded me with “there’s a brown girl in the room” whenever I walked in. You could have corrected her “it’s beige, blonde admin girl” but you weren’t there so you know.

I joined Twitter for social justice. In the beginning I was so afraid of racism; I would actually mute monitoring accounts when they were RT’d into my timeline. It was too much, too close to the bone. I started tweeting about feminism and was a little shocked at the level of abuse I encountered but I had the support of my feminist sisters, acting as shock absorbers, sharing the load.

One day however, perhaps because I was beginning to challenge the inconsistencies within our movement, feminism turned its back on me. I was abandoned. Why? Well, racism, of course. Prominent white feminists like Caroline Criado Perez excused their friends for using problematic language and denied that it had anything to do with race. Of course we know now that we were right but those feminists are now outside of our reach. They have the support of the newspapers, the authorities and politicians. People like Helen Lewis set the standard for the sort of abuse I would be subjected to; all white men with the odd white woman (white feminists generally have white men do their dirty work for them) and token black person for ‘balance’. She lied about me and white people everywhere (including those gullible skeptics) believed her because she is white, nothing more or less. You don’t have to call me a Paki in order to be racist, you can just use your power to silence me and leave me open to attack which you did, Helen. I’m not holding out for an apology anymore, this enmity runs far too deep for me now.

Then you have the politicians accustomed to bending the truth for personal gain. Perhaps Louise Mensch had the best of intentions.. No, scratch that, that sentence doesn’t even make sense. Employing the fullstop at the start of her tweet she channelled increasingly more abusive racists to my online spaces and yet has not, even once, responded personally to a single tweet from me. Her intentions were not to understand or defend or debate but to flame the white knights of Twitter into defending her honour which they did. Nobody batted an eyelid. None of the supposed comrades of mine on the mythical ‘Left’. No, in this instance a white woman takes priority over any seen to be doing socialist intentions on the part of the white middle classes.

I refused to be labelled in any way that allies me with any of these people anymore. I am not an anarchist, socialist, leftie, feminist. I cannot subscribe to an ideology that is untruthful in its very foundations; the trendsetters, the commentariat; the academics seem to have abandoned the kind of person socialism seeks to support. I am not white, I am working class, I am a woman with disabilities; mental and physical and yet I am completely on my own. Social support is not extended to attention seekers like me. I hasten to add I have been pleasantly surprised by the support extended to me by some white feminists. People I have preciously launched myself at who actually do understand what it means to prevent violence against women. I’d like to acknowledge that support and the women extending it; @planetcath and @drlangtrygirl

(I will never do this for the point scoring Cathy Brennan because she actively encourages traumatised people to self-harm and suicide – some women really are just complete bastards)

However, I am keen to point out where I have been deserted in this recent wave of abuse. I initially made a report to Twitter regarding an account that was clearly transphobic. I learnt from friends that they were already aware of the account and had tried unsuccessfully to have it suspended. When I approached Twitter about it, the account in question @TrixiiSabine used an argument between myself and my real life best friend to illustrate the point that “you can’t be friends with a Paki”. I think we’re in agreement that this is racially abusive. I think we all know that racist abuse is an arrestable offence. So what did Twitter do about it? Nothing. They still haven’t responded to me on any of this. Not even when I tweeted them to let them know I had been in contact with the police who were baffled as to why it had been ignored when it’s a clear breach of their terms and conditions and ILLEGAL.

I asked these questions before and I’m going there again. Is it because I am brown? If it’s not that, and maybe it’s because you think I am stupid, why so bothered by my opinions? All I’ve ever asked for is justice, so that we are all considered human and afforded the same basic respect regardless of fanbase or identity. I’ve asked for you to understand how your privileges have given you opportunities I would have been so much more grateful for, things y’all seem to take for granted. In doing this however, I left myself wide open to abuse.

I’ve had to deal with it all by myself and it’s just not on.

Sincerely,

 

Disgusted, of British Asian origin.