violence against women

Blue Moon

I guess I spoke too soon.. I’m forced to share this exciting excerpt from Joshua Conner Moon’s own forum. Seems Josh is in a bit of a crisis now we’ve entered the nazis turning on each other phase. It took about as long as it did during the second world war but that was to be expected, some of us to do learn from history.

See, relationships borne out of hate and a mutual desire for destruction can’t be contained or depended upon. There is no respect or trust or mutual aid only paranoia and the promise of a comeuppance, with absolutely no way of determining who will come for your first, friend or foe?

Nazis turn on each other faster than a centrifuge. All those unchecked egos will eventually implode, their childish entitlement exposing the delinquency that informs their actions. Josh has no friends, even his supporters are an existential threat. To claw back some control he is willing to expunge his efforts from the internet, erasing his 7 year battle for white supremacy just so he can try and live a normal life.. er, do you really think it will be that easy Josh? We have a duty to inform all people of this self confessed violent paedophile’s intentions to procreate. We have a duty to inform local authorities of this violent paedophile’s intentions to settle down and start a family. I can’t imagine any person would lay down long enough for Moon to inject them with his devil spawn but you know his penchant for rape and blind hatred for other genders, so it is as much about protecting vulnerable adults as it is the twinkle in his eye.

It is far from over. There was a time I would have been happy with a takedown but that time is long passed. All good and decent people have a duty to the world and each other to protect ourselves and the less able from those who would seek to destroy that which is dear to us; our humanity. Tolerance is a peace treaty not a moral absolute. That means we undertake a covenant to be respectful of each other and mindful of compromise and inclusivity, in a society we all contribute taxes to from the minute we’re born. The state doesn’t get to decide whom among us is worthy of protection and who is not, free speech is not just a white privilege, whatever the nazis may have established the past decade.

I’ve always maintained the truth would eventually out, I just wasn’t sure if I’d be around to witness it. Love always trumps hate. Hate eventually eats itself. Cheers.


PS: If I have to say it a thousand times, I don’t care if you’re not Moon personally, I take it as read he is the many headed monster in this joint enterprise. Moon is accountable for every last sad sack he recruited to this site, and every last one of them is guilty of his crimes.

Posting under the name of a KF victim is a nice touch, Josh. How are you coming for me under lockdown, please do share.. and all the way from redneck, Ohio..

Kiwi Farms spin-off 9chan takes credit for break in attempt at MP Jess Phillip’s house

I first reported Kiwi Farms and their ilk to the authorities in 2014 and was immediately shut down by West Midlands Police who told me to log off and ignore all the illegal racism and threats to rape and kill and to watch my language because my speech wasn’t free. I figured then they were in it together. I even appealed to Jess Phillips at one point, who also ignored me and various other female politicians in the spirit of feminist solidarity but nobody cared. I warned again and again that these weren’t your average nuisance trolls and if you ignored them they were only going to get nastier. I hoped people wouldn’t wait until they came for them but here we are.

9chan is the rebranding of Kiwi Farms, its owner Joshua Conner Moon no doubt reclaiming an identity from those who rejected him when 8chan banned him on the grounds he was too much of a nazi paedophile, even by their standards (which not so long ago had their entire forum taken off the internet). They have taken credit for an attempted break in at Jess Phillips’ house.

This is horrifying stuff. It’s in a thread where they are posting fake nudes of female leftist politicians. I’m no great fan of Jess’s, we’ve even clashed but nazi incels who just wanna rape everyone have become so emboldened as to target serving members of parliament in the real world.

I can’t help but wish Jess had empathised with me all those years ago, I know she went on Victoria Live to say she felt guilty she hadn’t done anything sooner and Vic let her off the hook but imagine how much safer we’d all feel now if all the people we have been begging for help had actually done something then. West Midlands Police are notoriously racist and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were an incel or 10 in their ranks, much like the rest of the force but will they be as dismissive of Jess I wonder and the threats of violence against the minors in her family.

I can only hope for all our sakes they take her seriously.

Joshua Conner Moon’s bid to sabotage Coronavirus vaccine

Have you heard the latest? Joshua Conner Moon is doxxing WHO staff and others involved in the race to find a vaccine for Covid-19. Moon and his incel squad want to cause as much disruption as possible because they believe the virus is working in their best interests (Darwin Award nominee), disproportionately affecting people they believe to be ‘undesirables’. They are no longer just a threat to those minorities the majority doesn’t give a stuff about, they have made it personal for each and every last one of YOU.

When I received the email telling me about this latest spate of attacks, I informed the group I would no longer be wasting any more of my valuable time on this. No, I don’t know why we should be celebrating the news that Josh’s Twitter account was closed down last night, why is Josh on Twitter at all given he has been suspended a million times already? Why is he repeatedly given a platform by these white supremacy supporting billionaires I wonder..? How is it that the government has demonstrated the full reach of its power with the handling of Covid 19, for eg access to our telecoms records to track our whereabouts, or orders from the government to tech companies to put aside their own projects and direct efforts towards the pandemic and yet fails to enact basic measures in tackling white supremacist forums? Turn the website off, arrest those making threats to maim rape and kill, fine the enablers, compensate the victims, if they’re still alive that is. It’s simple no? Of course it is. They just didn’t do anything about it because they were always all on the same side.

How do you fight nazis when the state supports them? You don’t. You wait for the two sides to fall out with each other, which is an inevitability, given the tenuous nature of their relationship, forged on the fallacy that is white supremacy. Sooner or later, the hired knuckleheads doing your dirty work are going to turn on you because let’s face it, they wouldn’t know a principle if it bit them on the peen. Your enemy’s enemy is your fast track enemy. Perhaps the events that are to follow will form the basis for future policy on the handling or mismanagement of terrorist elements and the lessons that must be learnt.

I haven’t wished Covid-19 on anyone yet, I even disgusted my friends and comrades by showing Boris Johnson empathy in his darkest moments and yet I cannot think of a more deserving candidate for this disease than Joshua Conner Moon. I’m guessing he’s low on vitamins, bed hopping from one basement to the next and his parents are probably related. He thinks black and ethnic minority people are disproportionately affected for any reason other than institutional racism. He forgot to look at the stats for Asia and Africa where black and brown people seem to be thriving compared to their European counterparts.

Whatever his bullshit reasoning, he is now an even bigger threat to public safety. Domestic abusers are getting much higher sentences for invoking coronavirus in their threats to kill, perhaps domestic extremists will be treated similarly. And when this is all over, and investigations are completed into how and why this was allowed to proliferate and for so long, heads of white supremacists will roll, all the way down that slippery slope.

God is a communist.

The first time my brain entertained the concept of a Godless world I spiraled into a deep depression. I’d excitedly announced I might be an atheist, following an acid trip made of existential nightmares, when I discovered the answers to the universe and beyond but as the reality of what it meant settled in, I lost the ability to feel anything, even the bad stuff. I found myself doing dangerous things just to feel something. I made people cry and felt good about it. I climbed the walls searching for my soul, and grieved for it, honestly believing I’d lost it forever. I existed like this for 6 months or so before my erratic behaviour landed me in a situation where I was forced to reconnect with my body and the outside world but that’s another story.

Religion came easy to me as a small child but on reflection much of that was performative. As soon as I was old and brave enough to choose my own labels, as a young teen, I rejected the faith ascribed to me at birth. It wasn’t just because of the sexual assault I was subjected to by my mosque teacher, or the consistently punitive elders who shoved Islam down my throat at every opportunity, the fire and brimstone kind at that, I just didn’t think it was very cool or conducive to a good life in Britain. I wanted to be like the natives. I searched high and low for a faith I could get on board with, all in, but always stopped short of committing to anything because in the end they all sound the same, secure in their superior worship, incapable of appreciating anyone else’s perspective.

The depression stemmed from the realisation that a world without God was a world without justice, and so it had been for the duration of my life. With every injustice my search for a benevolent God waned, until about a month ago, when the blasted coronavirus hit our shores. 10 years of austerity, of suffering and despair, thousands dead from preventable illnesses and neglect with the architects showing no signs of compassion or mercy until a virus, invisible to the naked eye, forced their hand into socialist action.

The most vulnerable in our society are being given packages of food and other essentials, dropped to their doorsteps, free of charge. I know because I have 2 disabled nieces and the government has been in touch. This is anarcho-communism, where we look after the most vulnerable and ensure their safety. We cannot expect them to go back to the old ‘normal’ when this is all over, these people cannot work, and even when all is well, they struggle to leave the house. Sure, the state only offered because it is first and foremost concerned with its own image, after its bid for herd immunity prompted calls for the resignation of ‘Boris the Butcher’ but for now it has been forced to do the right thing when it always said it was impossible. Let there never be another attempt to cut welfare for these people, there is no justification.

The NHS is slowly being afforded its dues too. Boris and pals spent a decade dismantling health services until God decided to show them up. In an about turn, politicians have been scrambling to secure PPE for staff and ensure that there are enough ventilators and oxygen. If we’d had a fully functioning NHS Tories might have slept better over the past month instead of facing the ire of the international community, relegated to the back of the queue following our sham exit from the European Union. 80 odd MPs have written to the government asking for the student debt of NHS nurses to be scrapped, particularly as they are risking their own lives on the frontline in the fight against Covid-19. This is just common sense to anyone with even an ounce of humanity, to show gratitude to those who go above and beyond. The British establishment has never been very good at compensating the helpers, whether Gurkhas or the Windrush generation, they take and they take, entitled as they are, and discard them without a look back. 19 frontline NHS staff have already sucuumbed to the virus and if the numbers keep on rising, our collective love and appreciation for the NHS will turn into anger. The government has no choice but to cherish the NHS and its army of workers.

Within the NHS coronavirus is exposing the disparity in healthcare for minorities. A notable percentage of victims have been BME, and reasons given range from ineffective communication owing to language barriers to elder Muslims and Sikhs refusal to distance themselves from their places of worship. It’s much simpler than that, BME groups are not taken seriously for a start. From paramedics to receptionists, the gatekeepers are often white and decide whether or not you receive treatment and how quickly. In Birmingham people in the Asian community are afraid to go to Heartlands hospital because they believe they won’t come out again. My own father begged the paramedics not to take him to Heartlands the day before he died but they didn’t listen. My grandmother died in the same hospital. When my niece was diagnosed with a malignant condition a white doctor advised us to forego treatment and let her go so she wouldn’t suffer. We didn’t listen, and she’s still here, 12 years on. Medical care for non whites is like a lucky dip, you never know what you’re going to get and often you have to do all the research and find out what’s wrong with you before you can convince a doctor to run further tests. God is exposing racist rainy fascist island for what it is, no matter how much the natives bleat on about how it isn’t.

Today the home secretary Priti Patel launched a campaign to reassure domestic abuse victims they are not alone. In a similarly pointless exercise as the clap for the NHS (when they need equipment and funding not empty gestures) Preet asked for people to draw a heart on their palms and share their pictures. Apparently this will also show abusers people are watching and help is available. Actually, most abusers do not identify their actions as being abusive, my own dad was horribly violent but would share petitions regarding support for victims of domestic abuse demonstrating such empathy that there are still people in our extended family who don’t believe us. There is some hope for victims however; one perp was handed a sentence of 42 weeks for spitting in his wife’s face and saying he hoped she died from Coronavirus. In my experience you have to be on your 3rd or 4th domestic incident to receive such a lengthy sentence but Coronavirus affects us all so the authorities are actually taking it seriously (unlike domestic abuse in general).

Priti is throwing 2 million at women’s services in the hope they can slow the rising death toll from domestic homicide. It was the Tories who cut abuse services by 50% when they came into power. When I worked in DV 10 years ago, 2 women a week were being murdered by their intimate partners and now there are 5. Coronavirus has exposed the state for the many ways it falls short of its contract to protect and serve. This is just one of a growing number of issues that have been thrust into the spotlight on which the government is going to be forced to act.

The money grubbing universities are going to go bust if the government doesn’t rescue them. That’s what God thinks of your extortionate uni fees, Tories. There isn’t a day that goes by that doesn’t reveal one development or another as the sublime work of a higher being. The Jewish Chronicle and Jewish News UK, publications that vilified Jeremy Corbyn and polarised Britain’s Jews from the rest of the nation went bust just a couple of days ago, citing Coronavirus as the cause. God surely works in mysterious ways but sometimes it’s as clear as the nose on your face.

There’s something deliciously righteous about the British lockdown following the Brexit debacle. All those swooning about freedom and sovereignty must be going stir crazy and feeling completely and utterly helpless in their solitude. Some religious people believe this is a warning shot for those who have lied cheated and schemed, to humble themselves and acknowledge power is fleeting but I think it’s a helluva lot more than that. Most religious people will agree that we are all equal in God’s eyes and should be treated as such but in reality that is impossible in a white supremacist capitalist state and those disparities are never really questioned or understood. Coronavirus is forcing us all to pay attention. We all said Twitter was the great leveler but we replicated the same injustices online. We can carry on as we have been carrying on, arranging people into hierarchies of deserving but God isn’t going to stand for it. We are all susceptible to pandemics.

I cried once for the absence of a God and all the hardships I would endure, knowing there was no justice at the end but I’ve changed my mind and it’s suddenly crystal clear. Who knew 2020 would be so spiritually enriching? Ironically, I finally feel alive.

This isn’t BoJo’s First Rodeo

The British media’s jubilation at the news Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds are expecting a baby is nothing less than nauseating for we masses and underclasses, as if we need another privileged brat distracting us from the life changing events put into play by their caregivers whilst they thrive, but this is by no means the most troubling aspect.

Whilst it is (to my knowledge) Symonds’ first effort, Boris has more children than anyone should ever have. A reputation as a cad and lady killer is a watered down affectation by the same media that ensured he was elected. I prefer to think of him as a domestic abuser and deadbeat dad. Wikipedia can’t say for certain if he has 5 or 6 kids which leads me to question whether there are more. Perhaps they’re waiting to see whether he will legitimise the 6th one before giving a definitive answer. And what of the ‘illegitimate’ ones?

My first thoughts, however, are for the newly pregnant Symonds and her unborn foetus. Given that it was not so long ago the police were called to reports of a domestic disturbance at the flat she shares with the prime minister, the announcement of her pregnancy is a cause for concern rather than celebration, or even derision. Whatever I might think of the Conservatives or the white supremacists leading them, or even the women who choose to put up with and uphold their shit, gendered violence against women is a collective struggle for all women.

Pregnancy is the most vulnerable time in a woman’s life, it doesn’t make us less capable but it can make us more dependent. Abusive men recognise this and escalate the power and control they already have over their partner. 8 or 9 domestic abuse cases out of 100 begin for the first time in pregnancy, when controlling partners take advantage of their victim’s increasing needs. They can threaten to take the new life away, because they were responsible for creating it in the first place. It is at this time that perhaps we get the most valuable insight into the mind of a domestic abuser, specifically male perpetrators, who hate women for their ability to create life, because it makes them feel inconsequential. Pregnancy brings with it a rush of hormones to encourage you to bond with your baby but also your partner. On the standard risk assessment for victims, the CAADA dash, being pregnant significantly increases the chances abuse will end in domestic homicide.

You need them even when they are harmful and this is why it is such a powerful tool for narcissists and misogynists. Do you know anyone who is more narcissistic or misogynistic than BoJo the horror show who cut funds for domestic abuse victims the first opportunity he got as London mayor? I don’t fancy BoJo Jr’s chances at having any sort of relationship with his old vater either, not if the past is anything to go by.

Serial womaniser + form for domestics + absentee father = trouble ahead.

How can they (the tories) condemn single mothers, children out of wedlock, deadbeat dads and domestic abusers in every other walk of life except for their leadership? In the aftermath of the ‘domestic’, supporters and friends of the couple went on record to chastise ‘nosy neighbours’ and ‘gossips’ and advised people mind their own business or else accept they will be driven out of their homes and forced to go on the run. This is what abusers do, pick fault with people who abhor violence and inflict violence on them too. Since the Tories came into power, the figure for domestic homicide has more than doubled, where there were once 2 murders a week there are now 5. This is the Tory party’s legacy. When you ignore abuse, when you enable abusers and cut off any means of escape, cutting more than 50% of domestic abuse services, as the Tories have done, women and children die.

Perhaps unsurprisingly the numbers increase the further right you go on the political spectrum. I would say this to the women standing by their fascist men, if you lay down with dogs you WILL get fleas.

Who will hold the British justice system and policing authorities to account?

Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was convicted yesterday of 3rd degree rape and a first degree criminal sexual assault in relation to one of his victims. On this side of the pond, a report into Westminster sex abuse cover ups published its findings that authorities failed to respond to claims of historical sex abuse because of a ‘deference towards people of public prominence’, confirming what we have long known to be a fact, that the law exists to punish the poor, and the establishment are beyond reproach. In both of these cases, there followed an addendum, that whilst this terrible human being/situation is too awful beyond words and culpable for some of their actions, they are not guilty of the most heinous charges, with Weinstein avoiding a conviction for the most serious count of predatory sexual assault and the Westminster report asserting that there was no evidence of an organised paedophile network in Westminster.

On both of these points, I call bullshit, but this is how the criminal justice system minimises even the most sadistic of white perpetrators of sex abuse, providing a comparison of how much worse it could have been. It subliminally downplays the severity of the abuse, for eg Stuart Hall the BBC radio DJ convicted of sex attacks against 13 victims was originally sentenced to just 15 months in prison because the judge claimed he had to take Savile’s legacy into account, that 13 victims was nowhere near as serious as 1300. The paltry sentence was appealed for being unduly lenient, and was doubled as a result, however he was released after serving only half of it, as is the norm for all perpetrators eligible for parole who are remanded for 5 years or less.

On the surface of it UK authorities appear to be doing their jobs, there isn’t a day that goes by without reports of more sex abusers being brought to justice and yet the uncomfortable reality of it is, that whilst the numbers reporting their assaults to the police have shot up, the prosecution and convictions rates have taken a nose dive. The CPS is the first gatekeeper to justice, they don’t want your unreliable account (owing to a mental health crisis as a result of, y’know, being violated) messing with their targets. They don’t care about the truth or your trauma, only optics and whether you will be a believable victim. If you’re a woman, you’re already at a disadvantage because women lie, according to the patriarchy. It leads to such wild claims as Reynhard Sinhaga being the most prolific sex attacker in the UK for abusing 200 or so men when people like Savile get rape jokes in their honour despite 1300 child victims (and anyone who objects is labelled a do gooder who can’t take a joke) and John Worboys is only serving time for the victims they did believe.

The criminal justice system has doubled down in its failure to protect the British public instead favouring the perpetrators, and closing ranks to protect its privilege. The following images illustrate this point perfectly.

There is one rule for the rich, another for the poor, and another still for ethnic minorities. On the day 17 convicts were deported to Jamaica on the grounds they had committed the most serious offences, including rape and sexual assault of a minor, Gary and Heather Talbot (from Newcastle) were sentenced for the rape of a toddler and further abuse when she was a teenager. Remarkably there is nowhere on earth we could deport these deplorable pieces of shit to, their white privilege enables them to commit the most vilest of crimes, the rape of defenceless babies, and retain their citizenship.

I have written many times about the injustice of a racist sexist Britain that repeatedly victimises its most vulnerable citizens whilst giving its most dangerous an alibi. The BBC, the houses of parliament, the endless struggles for power that we only ever seem to catch a glimpse of, with silly arguments over license fees and threats to destabilise one another seem borne out of a mutual agreement to protect the predators in their midst. This is about the dirt they have over one another. These folks all went to the same colleges and country clubs, they know exactly which of their old boys is engaging in whatever perversion, even if they don’t personally partake. Their privilege matters a great deal more to them than the innocence of a few chavs and that’s why they turned ‘a blind eye’ or ‘their backs’.

I wrote about Lord Steel in the context of an unjust criminal justice system a while back and yet, he has only just handed his resignation in. I guess he wanted to see whether or not they’d make the charges stick, and they did. Steel is the fall guy, taking the brunt of it so his privileged pals won’t have to. I imagine there’ll be a few ‘donations’ in appreciation, which should make up for the fact he no longer has access to the magic money tree the Lords have been taking advantage of.

When the abusers were men of colour, the authorities claimed cultural differences were a valid excuse for their inaction, because they did not want to be labelled racists, yet in my work as a domestic and sexual violence prevention officer, this was a shitty excuse meted out by racist or sexist shirkers who didn’t care about victims. It is the laziest excuse that is bought by the laziest of racists, who are often sex abusers themselves.

The authorities and establishment are banking on the lazy racism and indifference of the British public to the suffering of others to protect them from the true charges against them. It’s worked so far. But we have to remember, ignoring the problem only makes it worse and perhaps just once we could do something about it before it comes for us.

The Week in Racism

Nazi Swastika does not violate Instagram community guidelines.


They’re not even the same tone..

The BBC continues to prove it is a racist endeavour, just days after it showed an image of LeBron James instead of Kobe Bryant, Labour MP Marsha de Cordova was pictured in the Commons but the strapline identified her as Dawn Butler, MP for Brent Central. The BBC seems insistent on driving home the message all black people look the same to them.

Fool me once, shame on you or something.



“best evolve”.. after you, hypocrites

Let’s ignore the piss poor grammar and spelling mistakes, shall we?

Let’s not!

Practice what you preach, you utter melts.

Whilst I appreciate the response from the community who came together to reject the posters in a show of resistance and solidarity, the suggestion that it is a minority of English people who behave in this way is not exactly representative of the truth. About half of the country voted Brexit, because they thought it meant ‘Pakis out’. Those who have since changed their minds have done so because they did not realise it would restrict their free movement as whites. British hypocrisy strikes again. To deny the truth of the matter just prolongs its power.


Coronavirus brings with it a wave of hostility and racism towards people from Far East Asia and surrounding areas, like racists ever need an excuse. Interestingly the memes centre around ‘Asian babes’ and how predatory white males must think before they pounce on someone who may potentially be infected. Desgosted, to say the least.


George Reynolds taunted a black Spurs player calling him a ‘monkey boy’

For all my criticisms of football I have to hand it to the association, they seem to be making strides where the rest of society has stalled, or even regressed.

A Brighton fan was jailed on Friday for 8 weeks, following an incident on the 5th October where he racially abused players then threatened other fans when they challenged him. He has also been given a lifetime ban from the club as well as all other events associated with Brighton and Hove Albion.

Brighton’s chief executive was quoted as saying they have zero tolerance for racism. Well done, that man.


Such a brave patriot, that Sean Small

A 22 year old woman is facing surgery on her pelvis after jumping out of a 1st floor window with her toddler when an armed racist attacked them in their home. A 50 year old man from Co Tyrone in Northern Ireland has been charged with with a total of eight offences including making threats to kill, grievous bodily harm with intent, possession of an offensive weapon, criminal damage, and harassment.

Doesn’t it make you proud to be white, violence against foreign women and children?


Whilst not exactly a racist incident, the extremely racist and fascist government must be called out for its attempts to suppress the freedom of the press. Even Laura Kuenssberg walked out in solidarity with her fellow reporters, which was surprising given it is in large part thanks to her and the BBC that the Tories have lasted this long.

Laura pet, what did you think was going to happen? They’ve already broken a bunch of laws, and lowered standards for us all, did you really think your profession would be exempt? Or have you been forced to act in the interests of your colleagues lest they turn on you for having the morals of a tiger shark foetus?


Last but by no means least, we all cheered the news Hatie Slopbins had finally been removed off Twitter but a couple of things piqued my interest; firstly, that this move came about as a direct result of talks between Rachel Riley and Twitter bosses (just exactly what kind of power does she wield?) and the time it took to get it done. I guess if she’d spent less time attacking a lifelong antiracist activist for being a socialist, she might have got somewhere sooner.

I don’t think Riley is an anti racist, I think this is a calculated move to win back some of her fans, now they’ve seen her for what she truly is; someone who uses racism to score political points when she is actually a privileged blonde and blue eyed white lady with immense power. It can’t hurt in court either can it, to pretend to be someone who does good things? Even if it is just bullshit.

A Cautionary Mental Health Story

I learnt a long time ago I could not express myself in the way I wanted to or expect to be treated as an equal on rainy fascist island. I knew that speaking up would make me a target and I wasn’t strong enough to take it. I decided I would write down my version of events anyway, immediately, to remind myself this is how it happened, because things get downplayed, minimised, erased and historically I’ve been easily silenced, and gaslighted, even by people you’d never suspect of such an injustice.

I flagged on social media my first session with a specialist psychotherapist because I felt really uneasy afterwards, like I had been scrutinised and judged. I reasoned perhaps this was what it was supposed to feel like, I was here to learn of the inconvenient truths I’d buried but it irked me that the therapist hadn’t smiled at me once. I learnt about unconditional positive regard over 20 years ago, in a psychology module, as an example of best practice. Therapists must show clients acceptance and support in order to build a rapport and this makes sense, how else are vulnerable people meant to engage with a service if they feel they are being maligned?

I quieted the little voice that told me to run as fast as I could, even though my first therapist told me to always listen to it. I reasoned it was just an assessment, and that it would be followed up by another session to further assess my needs and this process was bound to get messy. I stuck with it, although I had to cancel 4 of the 11 sessions I was booked in for. The therapist would later assert that I had cancelled 6 of the 11, neglecting to mention she had cancelled one herself, and another was rearranged owing to a hospital appointment I absolutely could not miss, to investigate a possible auto-immune condition. There were 3 absences I was accountable for, when I had simply felt too sick to attend. It wasn’t very helpful either that there was no consistency in the times and dates I was offered, for example I might be booked in on a Thursday for 3pm, the following week Tuesday at 10am. This chopping and changing had the effect I suspected it would; on Thursday I booked a dogsitter to watch Frida whilst I went to therapy but it was only when I’d handed her over that my blood suddenly ran cold and I remembered the appointment was for 10.30am. I calmed down after a few minutes when I remembered it was for 10.30am the following Monday. It wasn’t the first time it happened either, it accounted for one of my absences. I had called in to check what time my appointment was only to be advised I had already missed it.

From the first session, I felt unwanted, a burden. She would sigh in exasperation at my expectations (or lack, thereof) and perspectives, and at the end of every session asked what I wanted from the service, as if I had more of an idea of what they provided than she did. I informed her I was not aware of all the services they offered and with this, she would arrange a follow up appointment to continue the assessment. Of the 5 sessions I was in attendance, I told her about everything, my life, my relationships, how I interact with them and the world and she actually said “it sounds like you’re trying to impress me” (!) I responded that I was trying to give her as clear a picture as possible so that she could use her professional experience and do her job to signpost me to the relevant services.. why would I need to impress her? She kept eye contact for too long or not all, making me shift in my seat. Always with the stony face.In every session she would suggest that perhaps this was not the right service for me, and I’d be better suited to group work, or somewhere that was closer to my home. She wanted rid and I had never felt more awkward but I was going to play the game, when specialist psych services are so thin on the ground, you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Plus I never want to piss a mental health professional off, they have the power to ruin your life with just one diagnosis.

There is always a power imbalance in a therapeutic setting, it should be a safe space where you are able to let yourself be vulnerable but this is not something I felt comfortable doing here. I felt she was prejudiced towards me for whatever reason and I absolutely did not feel comfortable discussing cultural differences with her. Contrary to what some might suggest, I do not feel like this about all white people, my first therapist, the late Angella Ryan, was white, with French and Irish ancestry but she was also an immigrant, and she was the first person to open my eyes to the inequalities I navigated every day. She saved my life. She was critical of me, but she built me up first. I never felt judged, I always felt she had my best interests at heart, I believe tough love is not completely without its virtues, if it’s coming from someone who genuinely wants the best for you. She knew I was perceptive and didn’t fear me for it, or try and minimise my gut feelings, she actively encouraged me to heed them.

I called in sick for my last session, I felt so heavy I could not open my eyes. I had a sore throat and was experiencing bowel issues, as one might with irritable bowels. A few days later I received a letter informing me I was no longer on their service as I had repeatedly failed to commit to attending and how she was right after all in her assessments that a local service might be more suitable to my needs, and with this came an epiphany; I was relieved. I wouldn’t have to appeal to disinterested and potentially bigoted professionals with coercive power that I was worthy. It dawned on me that my body knew before I let my brain accept what I had already intimated deep within me; that I was not thought of as an equal or someone worthy of acceptance by this person who had behaved in a way that is familiar, on a cellular level. My body reacts to microaggressions even when I am trying to fool my brain into complying with an illegitimate authority. Interestingly I touched on authority with the therapist, because she suggested I was a ‘rebel’ for standing up to historical abusers, instead of a ‘survivor’. Rebel to me suggests I have no respect for authority, and am a contrarian for the sake of it when in actual fact, legitimate authority is all I really crave. I have no parental figure in my life I can turn to when I feel weak, which is why illegitimate authority rubs me up the wrong way.

It was in her rejection that the most valuable insight was revealed; my body cannot abide bigots of any kind. I had a sick record to be ashamed of before I had my breakdown. I wasn’t making it up, I had operations on my ovaries, and a couple on my back. I have irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, hypermobility, CPTSD, anxiety, depression.. except there are sometimes days when I feel like I am in peak fitness. Those days usually involve a lot of laughter and love, I feel safe and protected and the world is just a blip on the horizon.

I’m kind of sick of feeling like my illnesses are of my own creation and that I could feel better if I just did xyz.. I eat incredibly well, almost nothing processed. I take vitamins and supplements, I do cardio and weight training, I take my dog for walks, I sleep 7-9 hours a day and I try to laugh every day. I try to remember to tell someone I love them and am there for them, and I let love into my life. My sicknesses are not for lack of trying on my part, they are a natural reaction to the racism and ill treatment of minorities in Britain, along with all the misogyny and sex abuse.

In this respect my specialist psychotherapist inadvertently helped me realise why my abiding patterns are so hard to let go of – they were never in my control.

Or at least, they could be, if I leave and never look back.

Honour Based Violence in the British Royal Family

If we were to spend our lives believing everything the way it is presented to us by those in power, it might work out easier for us in the long run, to leave all the important decisions to somebody else but for those of us who choose to think critically, those of us who value honesty so much we are willing to suffer for it, the world is a stage and the 1% actors, presenting the side of themselves they believe we wish to see. There is no better example of this than the British royal family. ‘Sources’ reporting to the tabloids are palace staff, if not members of the royal family themselves. There is an army of royal correspondents, attached to their respective papers and broadcasting stations, and every last one is a royalist, prepared to read out official statements and pass them off as personal opinion. They hold dress rehearsals for funerals years in advance. The royal family is a live soap opera, fulfilling ideals of fairy tales that are poured into little ears from the moment the midwife assigns us female.

What nobody seems to consider, ever, not even the superior white feminists for whom femininity is a curse, is how the women who marry into the royal family are often treated as pariahs, as though they should be grateful for their privileges and in exchange cannot be allowed to have feelings ever again. Kate Middleton is one example of a woman who submitted, she has made herself small (quite literally) and churned out those heirs like a good un, never speaking out of turn or hinting at a personality. When Markle gave birth the papers were placing bets on when Kate would pop next, like it’s a competition for the queen’s affections. As the oldest daughter in law, wife of the heir apparent, she is given preferential treatment, like access to looted Mughal jewels, whereas Markle is forbidden (according to the Daily Express who like to take a royal press release and make it their own). It actually makes me laugh because the royal family conducts itself in exactly the same way as those who engage in honour based violence in the South Asian diaspora have done; the eldest son is in charge and his wife is given first dibs on everything, promoting inequality and ill feeling.

Familial abuse is an issue I am familiar with, from personal experience but also in my professional career as a women’s worker. More often than not it is considered a cultural matter because South Asian families stick together as opposed to moving away when they go to university or get married. It is something I grappled with growing up, this notion that certain suitors might estrange you from the family, as a result most people married within the clan to avoid such grievances. If everyone knows what is expected of them there’s less chance of conflict further down the line. This is what the royal family did themselves, the queen was betrothed to her cousin as a young child (still feel sickened by the news reel gushing about this child being in love with a grown man), and Prince Charles was related to Diana in a number of ways, not least because they shared Henry Tudor as an ancestor. If the royals hadn’t been white and immensely privileged, you could say it was a Forced Marriage. Look at the misery they endured for the length of their union and how Diana felt she’d done her bit providing an heir and a spare. Imagine if she’d had girls!

When Piers Morgan attacked Markle with the words “I always thought you’d do this anyway” he sounded like the in laws on Bhaji on the Beach (a film about honour violence made in 1993) attacking their dark skinned daughter in law (who’d married their son for love against their wishes) for leaving the family after he’d beaten her, claiming that the darker ones are sly and can’t be trusted. Morgan insists he is not racist and this is not about racism but he’s an ex tabloid editor, and has always been untrustworthy. Why is he allowed an opinion? I ran away from home at the age of 15 because I was sick of outsiders inserting themselves into familial matters as though they are personally invested when in actual fact they thrive off drama and conflict, and are always looking to settle old scores. Morgan has been waiting for the opportunity to let rip, because he is a savvy racist and knows how to play the game. This is about Meghan Markle being an outsider, not least because she is black and won’t bow down to pressure. What else could have informed his childish prophecy?

When racists have attempted to rationalise their prejudice for me, they often bring up the refusal of other groups to assimilate, and the resistance to intermarriage, to their chagrin. At the heart of it they fear rejection so pre-emptively reject the rejecters, at least that is what they say. The Royal Family is surely an example of this, they are supported by like minded die hard colonialists who do not assimilate yet stand apart from the rest of us, because they like to feel special, and they actively resist outsiders, demanding they fall into line if they should break through or else risk the wrath of the entire establishment. They are the most intolerant of all.

How is that the most public family in all of Great Britain escapes the attentions of the authorities, whether they are sexually abusing children or domestically abusing their wives and daughters in law? Emotional abuse is actually illegal in the UK but then so is racism and very little gets done about that. Women’s safety groups should be advocating for Meghan Markle, as a victim of familial honour based violence, she has “brought shame to the family” and is therefore at her most vulnerable (Diana died for her efforts). Antiquated beliefs such as this are mocked by the authorities when the victim is South Asian, as though we are backwards and savage yet the world’s media is happy to reinforce it for the royal family.

Aren’t you sick of the hypocrisy?

They wanna live like Common People

With less than 2 years since they were married, Harry and Meghan announced they would be stepping down as senior royals to focus on their own work away from the prying eyes of the scavengers we call the British press. There is no doubt it is in part due to the controversy surrounding sadistic Prince Andrew in recent weeks but that’s hardly the crux of it, they’ve proved (since her internment) not to have the slightest regard for her well-being; hosting state banquets for fascists like Trump (never mind the swooning speeches in his honour) and those closer to home, for eg the Blackamoor badge wearing Princess Michael of Kent. I would imagine Markle has never felt so unsafe, and Harry, for the first time in his life, has some appreciation of what life is like when you are not white (irrespective of all her other privileges).

One only needs to read the comments, snide remarks about how she’s holding on to her man and he’s never looked so miserable. In every shot, Harry is pointedly staring at something in the distance, bothered by whatever it is that has grabbed his attention whilst Meghan has on her camera face, her features fixed like Fort Knox, impenetrable to the braying mob making demands of her. I recognise that face, as people of colour we have long cultivated an image we present of ourselves in the face of unrepentant racism – for survival – that we somehow didn’t hear or understand what was said and therefore won’t react. They like to bait us, racists, they want us to fly at them so they can confirm we are savages, caught in the act. Personally, I am not bothered what racists think of me, if I’m a savage then so be it but that’s my privilege (?) as an unrefined working class granddaughter of immigrants.

What really riles me about this entire incident (making it my business) is the faux outrage from certain sections of the white supremacist commentariat, namely one Sarah Vine (famous for her appalling taste in men). She has stuck the boot in at every opportunity with microaggressions and continues to attack Meghan Markle, now suggesting the latter is undeserving of the honour bestowed upon her by the British monarchy and its loyal subjects. She asks “what happened to the enchanting couple we fell in love with?” Sarah, duck, that’s not love you have been heaping on them all these months, you sad, deranged, damaged adult child.

How can we expect this she ogre to appreciate the incongruence of her words? The truth is an inconvenience that is easily remedied with coercive power. Sarah Vine reminds me of every power tripping racist I have ever met; constantly reaffirming that you are shit, because you are not white, yet you must show (on request) gratitude for the slightly elevated experience you get for marrying a white guy. It’s a reminder that you will never be one of them, and then they have the gall to pretend they liked you (for a poc).

“Go home if you don’t like it” they snap when we complain of racism. They want us to suffer or get out altogether. How dare Meghan Markle take her power back? That’s what Vine is really saying, that the privileges of royalty negate the myriad of ways she is oppressed as a black woman. It really is insufferable the way establishment hangers on attempt to ingratiate themselves by fawning over the worst humanity has to offer. The royals are a motley crew of paedophile rapists, racists and adulterers who haven’t done an honest day’s work for centuries. At least the olde worlde kings – and even some queens – fought their own battles, alongside their subjects. I have no problem with legitimate authority, but these tiara wearing benefit scroungers are as vulgar as can be. Look at what you have to do in order to be accepted into the fold, poor Kate Middleton is a literal sliver of the woman she used to be. She also has a stage face and speaks as though she isn’t quite sure of herself but you wouldn’t know it from any of the official photos.

For a woman marrying into the royal family, there is only one role; stoic, submissive and enamoured with your prince charming, regardless of where he’s sticking his dick. I have a feeling Meghan Markle had to draw the line early on and I respect her for that. Even more for rejecting the royals and holding on to her man. For Prince Harry I have a little begrudging respect, I still haven’t forgotten his little paki friend but he has been using his position to raise awareness of the insidiousness of racism and a little goes a long way from the top.

As for the royal family, I had never quite appreciated how dysfunctional they were but the way they so readily sell each other out has been a revelation. For sure, Prince Andrew should be disowned but the way his daughters are rumoured to be paying for the sins of their father, well, that’s just shameful. In a similar fashion, senior royals, ie daddy and granny are distancing themselves from the disenchanted couple, shaking free the dead leaves in dramatic statements about how they are heartbroken and will shun the deserters. They love money and power so much, family members are completely expendable.

I guess we realised that when Diana died (who’d be so proud right now, not even kidding).