Struggling with the art of social distancing? Climbing the walls as you self quarantine? Spare a thought for those of us who’ve been in an almost constant state of isolation since the British government and policing authorities decided to ignore the laws of the land and let racists run riot. Most days I have only my dog for company, unless I pop down to the local shop for smokes, then I exchange a few sentences with the shopkeeper about the weather or the latest spate of racist attacks.
I won’t lie, I’m tickled by these shenanigans. The Chinese thought they’d fuck with Muslims and now the world is fucking with them for infecting us all with a virus that made the leap from animal to man, as though it were the first. People are shocked when you explain this isn’t the first time this has happened and in fact, this is what the British were best at, spreading disease as a form of biological warfare, upending entire civilisations in the quest for world domination. I guess the west judges others in the only way it can, via its own cultural lens and foreign policy exploits.
I have underlying health conditions, mostly a sort of hangover from the many years I spent hyper-vigilant and afraid. Eventually these stress inducing bastards take their toll on the body and it starts to malfunction. Added to this the fact I have been a smoker for over half of my life and I could be a candidate for respiratory distress. I’m not afraid however, death doesn’t scare me, if anything I’m curious about crossing over.. it has to be better than this ~gestures vaguely~ and as a millenial, I’m not the only one to have made their peace with it. My brother has been living almost exclusively on Chinese food for the past fortnight, taking advantage of people’s lazy racism for the speedy delivery times but also because he’s a good egg and wants to support the underdog. I fear for some of my elders but on the flipside they won’t have to live through the systematic dehumanisation of Muslims, or worse.
Part of me is convinced I already contracted Covid-19 a few weeks back when I was suddenly hit by the worst cold and flu symptoms. The cold got into my bones and I was shaking violently, in pain, so I wrapped myself up like a chimichanga and rode it out. Then followed explosive diarrhea. Every time I coughed I felt my skeleton judder, a dull throbbing pain from my head to my toes but after a few days I perked up. Boomers have not been so resilient though.
I know people are going to say I shouldn’t laugh at the misfortune of others, cos it could be me next blah blah but coronavirus seems an easier way to go than all the ways I have catastrophised over the past decade. Boomers thought they were so clever voting us out of the EU and electing the Tories but if I were a mystical sort I might feel like the universe or Allah was settling a few scores. Nadine Dorries is self isolating after testing positive, a bit of news that had me frankly guffawing into my lap, especially when her comings and goings in the week leading up to her diagnosis were shared. In fact more politicians are being infected than you would have by statistical chance. A higher power may well be at play here..
Y’all said Corbyn would wreck the economy, but which is worse, Corbyn or Coronavirus? The FTSE 100 fell by more than 10% in its worst single day since the 1987 crash. This is my life now, laughing at the proudly privileged in their darkest hours. However, I’m sure the economy will recover in record time what with all the panic buying. We’re all prepped and ready for the apocalypse and if it doesn’t happen then at least we’re all stocked up till the summer. Hand sanitiser is a bigger commodity than gold right now and as an avid dog walker and pooper scooper I am revelling in my sudden wealth.
Coming from a Muslim background we’re hot on hygiene too. Hand washing is second nature, as is butt washing and ensuring you’re pleasant to be around in crowd situations, so you’re not the focus during prayers. This could go some way to explain why African and some Asian nations have been slow to contract the virus compared to Europe. Perhaps France could take this moment to reflect on its face coverings ban, and question whether there is some logic to it after all.
This entire debacle has exposed the state for what it is, a blag we all buy into that dissipates rapidly under scrutiny. As the state forces through new laws to arrest people suspected of illness, Boris Johnson has implored tech bosses to join the fight against coronavirus, in a move that is surely a slap in the face to the many 1000s of victims of white supremacist forums, who’ve been denied justice with one excuse or another on how it is impossible, because of issues of impartiality or free speech or laws on taste and decency. It could have been as easy as they have just demonstrated, a digital Dunkirk, or Dresden in this case. I stand by my initial hypothesis, that tech bosses and white supremacist governments joined forces to curb the free speech of non whites and spread fascist propaganda and they’ve always had the power to make it stop but didn’t because they want dissenters dead, by any means necessary, whether a school shooting, or incitement to suicide, they were always all in it together.
Just like this here Coronavirus, a reminder from the cosmos, that we might put on airs and graces and feel entitled to more than our fair share on this planet earth but in the end we’re all just scared confused organisms, vulnerable to all the same ailments, sure to return to the earth.