Mental Health

End Kiwifarms Now

A few weeks back I was locked out of my Twitter account for suicidal ideation. I suspected this was the work of nazi incels who’d been monitoring my every move on social media and the resulting misery was compounded by the sense Twitter was using its safety guidelines to further victimise targets of far right extremists. It was happily enabling them, but to be fair, it always has.

Chloe Sagal, a young trans woman from Portland Oregon was hounded by the same people who doxed me. She had been stalked mercilessly, her life scrutinised and twisted beyond the pale, just like mine. Described as ‘brilliant but tortured’ by her friends she was an activist, a force for change but sadly the real life demons that haunted her succeeded in their campaign to kill her spirit and end her life. She wrote in her suicide note:

“My death cannot be silent. It has to be loud and political. My entire life, my experience, my education has led up to this moment. I can only expect trauma and death from my existence.”

This resonates. What must it take to feel so isolated, so alone and battered by the tide of unending misery the only solution is a violent death? It’s a thought that often keeps me awake. Yet even in the depths of my own despair I cannot fathom the level of anguish and sheer numbness that would lead me to self immolation.

Kiwifarms get off on the suffering of others. They target the people no one else cares about and that’s why they’ve been around since 2014, the year I had my first run in with them, and as it turns out Chloe did too. 4 years of nazi incels being allowed to network and organise, connecting fascists from the Americas to Australia. I reported them to the police in 2014 and regretted it. The cops didn’t care, they said I should log off and warned me for using a feminist slogan. How will they now answer for the murders and suicides committed by the same fascist rapists targeting me and Chloe and about another 1500 individuals, selected for their vulnerability to mental illness?

How many people need to die for these sadistic sons of bitches to be brought to heel? It was barely a week ago we heard about Rizzydraws, a stranger from Indonesia who was outed as gay by KF to the homophobic Indonesian authorities which led to him taking his own life. Kiwifarms were gleefully celebrating this all over Twitter. They blamed others for Rizzydraws suicide. Similarly in the wake of Chloe’s passing, kiwifarms were on Twitter apportioning blame to other trans women. It’s another one of their tactics, to pour salt into the wounds of grieving friends of their victims, like the sadistic savages they are. Julie Terryberry was just 18 and they cheered her death without a single paranoid thought that someone might take serious issue with it and come for them. They have acted with impunity and they’ve been allowed to. We tried to tell the authorities, we were victimised again. In those moments the cops and kiwifarms were on the same side.

They can’t afford to ignore it anymore, the death toll is rising. If only Chloe hadn’t felt so isolated, so alone and unheard she felt her most valid contribution would come from her dying. I wish I didn’t feel the same way.

Update: I’ve been informed Rizzy has recovered from their suicide attempt. Sending best wishes, sorry you were ever in that position.

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Neutralising The Nazi Incel Threat

For more than a week, Nazi Incels (proud white supremacists who can’t seem to get laid) have been stalking my social media profiles, trawling for information that will reveal my location for the purpose of racist and sexual violence.

incel threat

That threat came fairly early on. They had hoped that it would scare me into closing/locking down my accounts because the intention is to silence women, especially of colour, because nazis don’t like it when women speak back, never mind minorities. I stopped reading it after a while, there are only so many threats one’s brain can process without feeling profoundly disturbed.

This is the admin of the site, allegedly. jm-e1527175427625.png

An anonymous account sent me this information. It could be entirely true or a ruse to get us looking in the wrong direction.

 

Kiwifarms had originally targeted me back in 2016 when a member of their forum, Mark Sabine, a lecturer at Nottingham University set up a thread in a similar vein. For reasons unbeknownst to me at the time, Sabine deleted the thread and offered an unreserved apology. I was taken aback, I hadn’t expected it to be quite so easy.

ms1

I couldn’t understand why a troll would use their real name for a start. I’m still not convinced it’s the real Mark Sabine but it should be easy enough to ascertain with a simple email. Mark supposedly teaches queer culture yet frequents a site set up to target queer people. I guess he didn’t think anyone would fight back?

By now we all know what a nazi incel is. For those who need clarification, a nazi incel is a white supremacist who is ‘involuntarily celibate’ meaning no one will have sex with them. Instead of questioning why this might be and making an effort to better themselves they’re weaponising it. Far from being ashamed by this, they are proudly stating the case for forced marriage and promising sex abuse if this demand is not met. Their self proclaimed messiah, another supposedly educated man, Jordan Peterson with his fetish for crustacean porn has been attempting to intellectualise sex abuse with pseudo evolutionary pop psychology that has been debunked all over the internet but it doesn’t seem to have bothered them in the slightest. Imagine if non white men had made a similar statement. Imagine if the asian grooming gangs had turned around and said they were entitled to violate bodies at will and they were not sorry and they would do it again. Imagine the outrage.

Sarah Champion, disgraced Labour MP who resigned as shadow equalities minister following her entirely racist article regarding grooming gangs is awkwardly silent on the growing threat of white supremacist rapists who are emboldened by the authorities’ impasse on the single biggest threat facing women and various other marginalised groups. Selective outrage with regards to sex abusers enables rapists because racism hurts all victims of sex abuse, even white ones.

The internet is heaving with articles alerting us to the dangers of incels and the forums they have set up to avoid accountability.

The internet is enabling a community of men who want to kill women. 

‘Incel Rebellion’

The Official ‘an incel murdered somebody’ thread – Reddit

Hosts like Versaweb have been tripping over themselves to afford nazi incels anonymity when mainstream organisations have been forced to comply with their own community guidelines and take down offending posts. Versaweb  host the nazi site ‘Kiwifarms’ and as yet have failed to respond to correspondence informing them they are enabling abuse. Their silence translates as unequivocal support for nazis and the abuse they mete out to often vulnerable and marginalised targets. The collaborators and enablers, the sympathisers, what are they if not nazis themselves?

On the 25th May GDPR means organisations will need our explicit consent before sharing our data. For months now I’ve been inundated with emails begging to be allowed to continue sending me bumf I have tried to opt out of numerous times over the years. It seems to me they’re really desperate to get my permission and yet I am not confident this will have any effect on nazis stalking and harassing women on the internet. Mostly because the authorities have failed to hold anyone to account for the multiple threats to rape and kill me. However I am in the process of compiling evidence for the police, yet again. Because people have been murdered by nazis and we can shame them into action, even if they don’t personally care.

I have a group of white professionals (mostly male), some with legal backgrounds, prepared to accompany me to the local police station. It’s easy enough to fob off minorities, especially when they have mental health issues and can be harangued into breaking down and disengaging, but white people, white middle aged men, well they know their rights and they’re not averse to demanding them.

Last time I reported nazi incels to the police, in 2014, they said that they could not prove in a court of law that I was distressed or intimidated by the numerous threats to slit me from ear to ear or the images depicting rape followed by promises of the same. They went on to warn me I could be prosecuted for my use of the phrase ‘kill all men’. Well, it’s been a few years since I said those words, once I’d been reminded that my speech was not free. I haven’t responded to many threads promising violence, or the stalking and harassment of my friends and family, many of whom have deleted their online profiles. I have been a good little victim. Let’s see where that gets me.

(PS: The nazis would have had a harder job of tracking me down were it not for the abusive ex partner (also journalist) Shihab Salim Joi outing my full name a coupla years ago in a bid to slander me for exposing him as a domestically and sexually violent abuser. He set up a profile on Twitter which was eventually taken down for impersonation but not before the damage was done. Well done Shihab, for enabling nazis *slow clap* As a father of two daughters yourself, I’m sure you’re pleased with your work. All hail the entitled patriarchy, whether brown or white, they just want the freedom to abuse women and shut them up just because they can. This is usually where I say my favourite phrase but as I am censored you’ll have to imagine it instead)

If you have any information that might help, please contact me on Twitter or via the comments below.

Punish a Muslim Day is Cancelled

punish

You may or may not have heard about the threatening letters sent to Muslim MPs and homes across the UK calling for a day of violent attacks against Muslims. The letters, entitled ‘Punish a Muslim Day’, feature a table awarding points for violent acts such as verbally abusing a Muslim for 10 points to butchering a Muslim for 500. It goes without saying many people are feeling scared and unsure of what to do or who to turn to.

The authorities are aware of the threat and are said to be investigating but let’s be honest, can we really trust the authorities to have our back? Organisations like Tell Mama have made us aware of a whatsapp message doing the rounds which is advising Muslims to stay at home on April 3rd, the date given by the perpetrators for their hateful day of action. However Tell Mama are suggesting we treat it just like any other day, and not succumb to the fear mongering, as though we have a choice.

Just recently Mark Rowley the former assistant Met commissioner warned that National Action was proving to be an organised threat of which the likes have never been seen before and the public should be ‘gravely concerned’. He said this shortly before stepping down from his role in counter terrorism policing. This certainly fits their MO. National Action, a hate group proscribed in December of last year, are the first far right extremist group to have been banned under terror legislation. Far right white supremacist groups account for 1/3 of all the case work undertaken by the counter terrorism unit. Do we really feel safe enough to keep calm and carry on in the face of such a threat? It’s easy enough to advise people to rise above the violence promised to them if you personally feel safe under the state’s watchful eye but for many of us, we have seen firsthand how the state enables threats like these to propagate through their wilful inaction. They actively promote racial discord, citing cultural reasons as an excuse for why they didn’t do their jobs investigating abuse of white working class minors.

I reported racism a few years back and not only did the police deny any laws had been broken they went on to threaten me for my political beliefs. I hadn’t made any direct threats, just used a vague generalised statement said by many thousands of women before me, but they decided it negated the many racialised threats to kill and rape made against me. I am one of countless victims of police negligence, they are not my saviours, never mind in matters of racialised violence. It is irresponsible for any organisation to advise marginalised folk to ignore their gut instincts to protect themselves and their loved ones and throw themselves out there. These are our lives at stake, we have no sense of English superiority to bolster our confidence in the state. We aren’t here for the blitz spirit. We can’t keep calm and carry on when disgusting white males sexually assault Muslim looking women in the streets. We shouldn’t have to rise above the abuse meted out to our children. I am not too proud to admit I am frightened for my life, I’ve been like this for years but the fear has escalated because I’m worried for my neighbours, my community, people I’ve never met before.

I am forced to think of Bosnia, the Rohingya, Muslims who’ve been systematically targeted and killed by organised militias with very little intervention by the state, because the state arms them and lets them organise but keeps a safe enough distance so as to deny any culpability when it is all done. Why hasn’t the state called Cobra? Imagine if white people were put at risk in this way? We are not just Muslims, we are British citizens, we pay our taxes and yet..

Until the authorities; the police, the state, make a point of condemning white supremacy and the enablers, the Farages and Hopkins, the lefties and liberals, this looming threat will consume us. Until they make a stand, we can only do our best to protect ourselves. Tell your loved ones that fascism isn’t dead, whatever the liberals might say. Trust your gut not theirs. Stay at home on April 3rd and remain vigilant. Doing your job, making money, none of that means anything if you’re dead or disfigured for life.

BBC: A Predispostion for Propaganda?

I didn’t watch Panorama last night. I didn’t feel like I needed to see where it was going, I had my suspicions the BBC were rooting for something to make a focus of our outrage, a scapegoat. We’re not short of real life monsters threatening our way of life, many of them even had jobs at the BBC but it felt like the scene was being set for a ‘debate’, a distraction from the constant slew of actual things that have been proven harmful, like racism and historic child sex abuse cover ups for example.

I have been on SSRIs for 7 years. I started off on Citalopram and for a very brief time I felt as if I finally had the space to breathe and not feel like I was crawling out of my skin. As the meds settled in my system I became aware of the dulling effect it was having on my reality, something that no doubt worked brilliantly at crisis point but as my mental health improved I felt like it was holding me back, I wasn’t feeling as extremely as I did but I also wasn’t able to laugh as hard as I’d like or think too deeply about anything. I tried to come off them at first but was soon reminded of the reasons I became medicated when the symptoms returned; I was shocked by how intensely bad I felt and unable to function so I saw the GP about an alternative. He referred me to a psychiatrist and after a couple of visits we figured the best thing to do was switch to Sertraline, a drug that many users responded to after Citalopram. It’s hit and miss, prescribing mental health meds. Part of the process to healing is trial and error, you have to try things before you know how you’ll respond.

I was pleased with the change in my mood only a few weeks after I started taking Sertraline. I didn’t feel as foggy or tired and I was less fixated, a benefit of this particular drug which is often prescribed for people with obsessive disorders. It worked for me, I was struck by the fact I could pun again, something in my brain had changed. I spoke to others who weren’t so fortunate with Sertraline and went on to try other drugs but our brain chemistries aren’t one size fits all, we still don’t know enough about mental health to make this an exact science.

Before I became medicated I can’t say I was in favour of antidepressants especially SSRIs. I was even an audience member on a BBC talk show about antidepressants hosted by, I think, Nick Ross and said stuff I’m sure I’d cringe at now if I could remember, it was so long ago. I remember there was a big fuss about Seroxat a while back too, it was linked with increased risk of suicide among teenagers. I really did not want to be the sort of person who took antidepressants, someone who gave in (as people were all too keen to point out to me when I first started taking them), who’d failed or any number of negative variations on this, like I’d let people down or myself or whoever. Sadly, I did not get much of a choice on the matter if I had any hope for survival.

I took the drugs despite all my misgivings and prejudices, I really didn’t want to feel or exist in the way I had for so long, and I was scared I would die if I did. I had been seeing a therapist, sometimes multiple times a week but it just wasn’t enough, I felt I would kill myself probably. I never thought about killing anyone else, I couldn’t bear to be near anyone or more to the point, outside my bedroom even, that I kept locked most of the time. I took the drugs because my nephew was on his way into the world and I felt I owed him a cool aunt. I took the drugs because I’d hit rock bottom but inside me something chose to live. I felt almost embarrassed when I disclosed to the therapist I had started them already. She wasn’t the biggest fan herself and I felt like I was letting her down, like saying your therapy isn’t all that but she immediately said “GOOD” and leant forward to touch my knee. She said she’d never advocate for meds and wouldn’t have suggested I take them but was glad I had come to this decision myself because I really could do with them, these drugs exist because people in my situation need them.

I do not regret for one minute making that decision. I never thought I’d be on them so long, and I never believed they’d do me much good but it’s been 7 years and I am so pleased with myself and how far I have gotten. I recently cut my SSRIs by a third. If there is one thing I can say for certain and you must be aware of this before you go in, withdrawal is a bitch and you must do it slowly. I am aware that I could suddenly feel like I made a rash judgement but for now I’m enjoying being a 3rd less medicated and wondering what it will be like when I reduce them again.

The BBC makes a tenuous link between the many millions of users who safely take SSRIs so they can function in this society and the tiny minority who kill but this can be said of so many things it makes you wonder why they have singled out people who take drugs for their poor mental health. Most people who take recreational drugs for example, do not pose a risk to others but some might react violently. We could say the same about men, right? Most of them tend to adhere to some semblance of law, at least on the surface but a minority kill women and children. Should we point the finger at beards?

Once again, the BBC reminds us how little we should care about it, yet they insist we pay for this propaganda too.

White feminists, when will you condemn the white men attacking woc in the streets for their clothing and colour of skin?

aniso attack

I only ask because I can just imagine the furore if white women were being stripped, spat on and physically assaulted for not adhering to the rules as dictated by, say, extremist Muslim men. As it is, savage white males with delusions of supremacy rooted in toxic masculinity see nothing wrong with assaulting us, even though they routinely come out against Asian grooming gangs (to the exclusion of all white child rapists, of which there are significantly/disproportionately more).

I’m under no illusions that feminism works for me and women like me. I wasn’t dressed like a Muslim but I was still called a Paki bitch whilst travelling through London in the early hours of the morning. Feminism didn’t rush to salve my wounds with the sisterhood, but anarchists did with their innate sense of right and wrong. I still feel happy to identify as an anarchist but I’m hesitant to align myself with the likes of Guardian and New Statesmen ‘feminists’ who seem to have hijacked it from the rest of us. Why aren’t prominent feminists like Caroline Criado Perez, with the nouse and gall to get balls rolling, publicly denouncing the violence being levelled at women of colour and those who ‘look Muslim’? We are women first, are we not? I don’t mean the odd tweet, I mean an awareness campaign on par with the banknotes façade. They dominated front pages, and talking points with their heartfelt pleas to the bank of England. What is preventing women like CCP, Helen Lewis, Suzanne Moore, Grace Dent, Sarah Ditum, heck even Hadley Freeman and the like, from addressing this pertinent issue in their magazines and papers? They were all too quick to condemn women who did not get behind unelected Theresa May as antifeminist, her womanhood qualifying her for sisterly support, even though she frequently allows the murder and torture of women institutionalised at Yarlswood.

Why wasn’t white feminism shook to the core over the murder of Nahid Almanea, stabbed for wearing a hijab? Or the forced termination of SamSam Haji-Ali’s twin pregnancy when she was repeatedly kicked in the stomach by a ‘shabby racist’ who was later convicted of racially aggravated assault and sentenced to a paltry three years? More recently Resham Khan and her cousin were set upon by thuggish John Tomlin in an acid attack whilst they sat in traffic at a red light, she had to raise awareness of the attack herself through social media whilst recovering in hospital. If Resham had been white, the local news agencies would have picked it up the same day and there’d be a nationwide man hunt. The perpetrator would have been taken down and executed, as is the norm for white victims of oppressive forces, their attackers do not live to see another day, never mind sit trial for their crimes.

White women don’t care about woc targeted by white men because we are also frequently targeted by them.

wasi attack

This woman spat on a friend of mine in London recently, right in her face and muttered something like “people like you”. It’s not just disgusting, it is common assault. The audacity of this – older – woman to behave in such a confrontational violent manner towards a virtual stranger is not as rare as it might seem to most people. White women are presented in a light where they are vulnerable and overall, just mean well, as this excerpt from male white supremacists over at Spiked Online suggests.

spikedshite

They need protecting and whilst white feminists like Caitlin Moran think of themselves as ladettes and better than any man, they still need white knights to come to their rescue against women who are not white, like that time Glinner ignored all the racism being hurled around in favour of Moran’s right to literally not give a shit about black women.

White feminists literally do not give a shit about woc and this is why I no longer give any fucks for objectives as set out by white feminists. You can fuck your language policing, ya pearl clutching twats. No, I really do not give a flying fuck for your feeble opinion on women who vote Corbyn instead of May, not least because it is utter garbage. White feminism doesn’t strive for equality but the right to behave like white men. That is not what I thought I was getting into when I chose feminism.

If white feminists cannot condemn white male violence against woc then it is time we started the discussion/debate on the inherent violence of racist sexist white supremacy. The violence of white men and women, and how they’ve turned it on its head to present themselves as the ultimate victims. The perverse attitudes they have towards foreign bodies they want displayed for all to see (frolicking bodies in the sun, decaying bodies in the war on terror) and if you object to this way of being, the forfeiture of inalienable human rights.

Interview on the Headscarf ‘Ban’

We need to talk about the commentariat

I write this not for the Brexit ate my braahn baby crowd but for those of us who are willing to admit harsh truths in order to effect change. To know what it is we must do for the future we learn about the past and study trends so we can be better prepared for what’s coming. You don’t need an academic record in order to observe how the world is affected by narratives however, especially if you are burdened by unspoken rules placing you at various intersections of oppression, you experience them through social inequality. Speaking for myself I have been a keen observer of all things social and have been since I studied sociology at high school. It informs my interactions with the world. I never anticipated the backlash though, I had expected some resistance but not on the scale I received and not from the people I thought I could trust, the Guardian types keen on saving us all from ourselves.

When you learned about the Holocaust did you stop to wonder as I did, how so many were organised and in such a short period of time, carted off to their deaths without so much as a whimper from their white German neighbours? Did you marvel at the breathtaking ignorance of the allies who were allegedly unaware of the camps until it was almost over anyway? Perhaps now you know, given the ways in which truths are erased in our supposedly post truth world, and how narratives are framed, by those who claim to know better, those publications considered ‘leftie’ or socialist in some respects are squarely to blame, along with the perhaps deliberately embellished version of war we were taught on the national curriculum where Britain saved the world, and the Jews.

It could be true that some of us have a monumental chip on our shoulder, that we make excuses for our inadequacies or we might just be telling the truth. Recently the Guardian featured a story regarding the inhumane treatment a Dutch woman had received following Brexit when she applied for a British passport and was subsequently turned down because she had failed to include her original passport because *reasons*. There was outrage on social media not least because this mother of two was going to be ejected from the country minus her children, who did have British citizenship. How cruel the system was under Brexit, how devastatingly inhumane. Except this is the system and has been for as long as I can remember through my work with women who have no recourse to public funds. You won’t hear about them even if people like me blog about it. Where’s your outrage for women like Meena* and her toddler? She came over on a spousal visa from Pakistan and only just fell short of the then 2 year rule which stipulated residency in the country for at least two years under the supervision of a sponsor, in this case her husband, before she could make an application for indefinite leave to remain giving her full access to British benefits. He was violent. One day she made the decision to leave, because it was no longer safe enough, the violence was escalating and she feared for their lives. She’d endured his violent episodes but there was a limit. I’m only explaining this because she knew she had nowhere to go and so had suffered many months of abuse before she made the final break, potentially being faced with homelessness but that threshold had been crossed. Homelessness was preferable to certain death. Think about the hell she endured all on her own, without a clue. In fact she was one of the lucky ones and had a kind and thoughtful doctor, one who’d spotted the signs and knew of a culturally sensitive refuge that had a single room set aside for women with no recourse.

Subsidies for these women who, almost every time, fall through the net and get disappeared by the state or their abusive partners are practically non existent. There has never been adequate representation or provision for these women. When Meena traveled the two hours to the home office every time they said ‘jump’, baby in tow, she came back a sad shadow of her usual chatty self. I saw the state chip away at this personality, this woman who had every right to exist free from harm and to be supported in her darkest moments but instead she was yanked around like cattle to the slaughter. I can’t forget the way she cried as she prepared for the final hearing and was advised by her solicitor to bring all her valuables with her, if the home office denied her extenuating circumstances (despite the reams of evidence) she would be remanded immediately and sent to a detention centre. When we pleaded for the baby’s sake the home office, along with social services and even our own legal advisors said the state was obliged to provide for the little one and take her into care but Meena would still have to go. I was a temp and I left before her case was closed but I think about her even now and where she might be. When I read about privileged white women bemoaning airport queues, I think about Meena, and all the others the Guardian overlooked through indifference and probably racism, until Brexit provided the sacrificial king upon which to pin all of our woes.

Even more recently the Guardian published a lament from one Lindy West who left Twitter because it serves best the trolls, bots and dictators. I hear she wrote about the Nazism that Twitter is now famous for and also about all the ways she personally was sick of it and to be fair, this wasn’t regular trolling but a sustained campaign of abuse, harassment and stalking. I feel for her, absolutely, but I’m also a little pissed off. Anyone who knows what I and many other woc have been forced to endure the past few years will tell you the gigantic role journalists had in directing that abuse, harassment and stalking our way. When we protested the Guardian and New Statesmen ghouls for their hot takes on our lives they said we were bullying them and they as white middle class people with all the top jobs were being oppressed by us. What effect do you think that had on wider society? At a time when the far right mobilised in the wake of the killing of Lee Rigby these allegedly leftie papers were saying women of colour, queer people, trans people were bullying them and making false allegations of racism that were just unacceptable, oh, and intersectionality was just an elitist buzzword whilst poc had sinister undertones. You want to talk fake news?

Do you see where I’m going with this?

jonathon-haynes-race-card

This guy is an editor for the Guardian. When we called out the racism his girlfriend, who works for the New Statesman, was subjecting various people to, in her actions if not so much her words, this is how he responded.

His girlfriend later went on to ask:

farage-of-the-left

It is the middle class liberals and lefties citing Brexit as the root of all evil who have enabled the rise of fascism. Virtually every last one of them is white, plus a few tokens on hand to massage their egos. They did know, we tried to tell them a million times. They didn’t just do as they were told, they were the ones doing the telling. These are the facts we must remember.

It doesn’t matter what we think, as grandchildren of immigrants, and legitimate citizens of rainy fascist island, where our lives are scrutinised and twisted beyond our recognition. We are not permitted to defend ourselves or to react from a place of fear and vulnerability. When we react to these privileged white people’s assessments of our lives they double down instead of listening to us because they cannot believe we would have the audacity to talk back. We are bizarrely hostile, not understandably so. We should ask nicely, with our heads bowed and exult upon our colonial masters how special and superior they are, if we are to be given a voice, otherwise we simply do not exist.

 

READ NEXT: Part Two – Comments on the Commentariat