I have been victimised

Just deactivated my Twitter account again. I made a remark about how I was targeted with racist spam in a reaction to the spamming of various women online for the last few hours and very soon after I started getting them again. That’s all I know really.

I’ve deactivated not because I want to but because I’ve been told that’s the way to prove you’re intimidated by racists and stalkers and misogynists who want women off the internet. There’s no shame for me in admitting I’ve hit my racial slur limit for the time being. I want to function as humans do, obviously, without the echoes haunting me. I want to be a good friend and a good sister and aunt and carer for my animals. Being abused day in day out with no recourse to safety makes it impossible for me to nurture these relationships because hyper vigilance is exhausting and to be as honest as I can, my real life is in crisis for many reasons right now.

I’m already confined to these four walls for probably 6 days a week, only then stepping out with other people but that’s ok, I don’t want to be out there with the rest of you. Twitter has been invaluable for me to get my message out there and I feel like I need to remind people what that message is and always has been and ask why it is that I am the one who has to leave?

I want to end patriarchal violence. I want you to question every little thing you do and how it impacts on the people around you. I’m not talking to the depraved ones who get off on suffering, I’m sorry they weren’t shown empathy but everyone has a sliding doors moment, where they make the decision to protect themselves or do the right thing (guess which one I chose?) and these sickos chose themselves cos that’s all that matters to them. They can all rot in hell.

The police said there was nothing they could do for me and the person(s) targeting me knows this. They’ve been coming back to mock me, repeatedly victimising me and the cops are loving it (see last blog post’s comments). Well, you’ve got your victim now. Thank you for leaving me in a position where I am without the support I need from people who, ironically, think about others first instead of this bullshit self-serving ‘identity politics’ thing they’ve tarred us with. It’s never been about the self but humbling ourselves and recognising how we have more than others and to be grateful for that and not use it to whip oppressed people (for now we will whip you back). These people are not even people in my mind, they’re demonic. They exist only to goad and cause suffering. I want them all to die painfully without anyone there to support them, have them face their achievements on their deathbeds. Let them suffer the same way, show them the same lack of compassion. You think I was born feeling this way about people, cold and malicious, or did I learn it from the degenerates who taught me that was just the way of the world?

I am not sure how far away I am from giving everything up for good. I know that I can’t and yet, every time I am targeted in this way, by the rich and famous and political (and the mere plebs) I feel myself get a step closer. This world does not care about me so why should I care about it?

Twitter, I’m not going to report to you cos sometimes it’s just not possible. I don’t know who is harassing me and even if I did, it’s not like you give a shit.