suicide

Lord Ahmed, Pakistani-Indian bakwaas, and a Twisted Firestarter

It’s about 6 months since I was banned from Twitter. I closed my Facebook account 2-3 years ago when I couldn’t take the racist rape threats going unpunished anymore. To say I feel disconnected from the rest of the world is an understatement. However, I am still poring over the news and reacting in real time to the horror show that is modern times. I just don’t get to share my thoughts with as much frequency.

I’m going to attempt to address that on this here blog. I haven’t the strength to write about all the urgent issues as they arise but I could do a round up of my ‘wtf moments’ for the week.

lordrot

Lord Ahmed, a ROTHERHAM based life peer (recommended by Tony Blair in 1998) has been charged with the attempted rape of an underage girl and assault on a 13 year old boy. Most people don’t read past the headlines, and the media knows this. Lord Ahmed is charged with a rape he is alleged to have committed between 1971 and 1974 when he would have been between the ages of 14 and 17. Whilst it is still an offence, it is not as clear cut as the media would have us believe. Working as a temp for social services in the early noughties we had discussions around youth sex offenders and whether it was ethical to treat a 14 year old boy with the same contempt as we would an adult male in his 30s. It is illegal to have sex with underage girls, even if the perpetrator is himself underage. However the mind of a 14 year old boy is significantly different to that of an adult male. They’re still growing and learning. Is it fair to condemn a young person to a register for the rest of their lives? Depending on the severity of crime and the mind set of the perpetrator, there’s a sliding scale of offence. Surely the punishment should reflect that?

If Lord Ahmed had committed these offences now it would lead me to question his role in Rotherham and whether he was directly involved in the grooming gang cases and whether he was being thrown to the wolves by the rest of his establishment buddies. As it is, I can only consider the actions of a 14-17 year old Nazir Ahmed, a juvenile, not fully accountable for his actions. This presentation of historic abuse in the context of the narrative; Ahmed was not a grey haired media mogul sticking his fingers in knickers without consent. He should be tried, of course, but not through the lens we’re being handed by the establishment and their media buds. Consider the way Lord Lester was protected by his peers when a prominent women’s rights campaigner, Jasvinder Sanghera disclosed the harassment she experienced at his hands, where he offered her a peerage in exchange for sex. They closed ranks, and refused to bow to pressure, instead casting doubt on her version of events. They did not believe her, as has always been the case on rainy fascist island. He quietly resigned a short while later, no doubt the turning tide threatened to drag him out to sea and he scarpered before it could.

The movements that have shaped our world the past few years are winning. This doesn’t mean the establishment are going to stop perverting the course to justice, their modus operandi is to exhaust victims and re-traumatise us over and over again so that we give up. We mustn’t.

modimonkey

It’s been a nerve wracking week given the tensions over the other side of the world in my motherland. I have lots of cousins, many of them dotted along disputed regions between India and Pakistan. I’d very much like for them all to live into old age but they don’t seem as bothered as I am by the escalating drama. It took my breath away to see Imran Khan inform his Pakistani parliament they would be handing back the captured Hindu pilot and the sound of their hands drumming the table in agreement seemed historic. On talking to Pakistani born relatives however I was saddened to learn this is how it always goes down, the Pakistani government and armed forces graciously hand back captives and India responds by chatting a load of guff and extending the threat in some sick display of power, as though Pakistan is weak for showing them hamdardi (empathy). India seems to have gotten ahead of herself. Right wing alliances between white nationalists and right wing Hindus only carry so far as their usefulness. India has forgotten this.

Apparently India demanded the cricket association disallow the Pakistani team or they would withdraw in protest, only to be told to get a grip or else pay a fine and face expulsion themselves. How old are you, India? Grow up.

I value Prime Minister Imran Khan for his resistance to war, it is pointless bloodshed. However I am of the opinion that humanity is so fragile and so precious that those who would deny it to others do not deserve to have their own humanity protected. The world must condemn India for its violent posturing, we don’t live in a world where we’ll be kowtowed into fighting for an arbitrary border anymore. We look back at those ‘great’ wars and the loss of life and shudder. We’ve learnt to become intolerant of the intolerant.

Modi must go, moderate Indian brothers and sisters. He is a relic and a laughing stock and is winding back the years. You belong in the future.

flint

Sad news today, Keith Flint of The Prodigy was found at his Essex home having apparently ended his own life. The sheer number of suicides over the past few years has been unsettling, and moreso to those of us who are battling to stay alive. With each one we’re reminded that even if our problems right themselves, if we’re able to thrive and do what we enjoy, it still might not be enough. I tell myself that poverty, poor health and unfulfilled potential drive my depression and if I could just tick even 2 out of 3 my mental health would be significantly improved. Then I think of Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain and now Keith Flint, among others, and I’m stumped.

RIP firestarter, twisted firestarter, you gave me and my school friends many giggles pretending to be just like you.

Advertisements

I Won

CN for suicide, self harm, mental health

13 months after my personal independence payments were cut, I won my 2nd tribunal. 13 months of crowdfunding my rent. 13 months of reducing my food intake, buying the cheaper brand, going without, and feeling humiliated but on Friday, a panel ruled in my favour. There was no objection from the DWP representative who, I could have sworn, was even crying at one point. I felt bad for scowling at her after that!

I self harmed 4 times during that period, when I absolutely could not comply with the measures I’ve worked at to protect myself. I dissociated more frequently. I got as far as buying the instruments I would need to end it. Drew up a plan. Resisted writing the suicide note because that would make it final, and only because the people around me pulled through when I shared my invasive thoughts (a thing I was only able to do because I’d been taught, by my first therapist). They reminded me I’d managed to survive this long because people wanted to help me. They made me think about the people who look to me for strength and how my demise would impact on them. I didn’t really care in that split second but when the feverish urges passed I felt a bit sheepish I’ll admit. People do take strength from my courage.

When the DWP cut me off and sent me their decision, they said they were not disputing the fact that I had these disabilities just whether or not I qualified for personal independence payments. 13 months on and I’ve just been told I do. So was it really necessary to put me through this? What is its purpose otherwise? Survival of the fittest? It’s not strictly true anymore though is it? I’m nowhere near the fittest but I have recourse; to advocates, to friends who work in the public sector and health professionals who actually listen. Perhaps this mum didn’t?

Even with all the support I have, I came the closest I ever have to ending it. I didn’t enjoy asking for help, again and again, I was isolated and lonely as a result. I might be an anarcho-communist but I still have the hardwiring of a society that celebrates charity as a virtue but not if you’re on the receiving end. The shame still lingers. I didn’t want to die, I felt I had no other choice.

Recently I read about a young woman called Holly Cowlam who took her own life when she was diagnosed with depression. Holly had been studying psychology and so had some understanding of mental health. I get the sense, because she knew her chances in life would be greatly affected, as they are in a society that demonises mental health, she felt she had no other option. I know what that’s like; the shame and hopelessness. I refused to acknowledge my own mental health for 20 years, telling myself I was stronger than those others who had succumbed. In the end, you can’t really prevent it. I am the sum total of all the violence and treachery inflicted on me but with the right support, and freedom, and protection, I know I can get better.

holly cowlam

What I do not need, and could have really done without, was being treated like I’m making it up. As a repeat victim of sexual and domestic violence, gaslighting is a straight up trigger for my PTSD. Being treated like I am insignificant and somehow asking for more than what is my right, having paid into a system for many years and on an emergency tax code more often than not (I did a lot of temp work because I was sick even then only I wouldn’t admit it) eventually wore me down in a way my mental and physical conditions do not, because I believe I can overcome them (to an extent). I needed time and space to heal not to be hindered by a cruel and abusive process.

Advocates for humanity must ramp up the pressure on this government and demand justice for all those who’ve needlessly died in our country. The architects of social cleansing must be tried for their crimes against our humanity.

You can judge a country by the way it treats its animals/poor/prisoners/women/disabled folk.