20150125_131535

I am done

*Barfomenz pricks, heads up. The popo might not give 2 shits about me but you crossed a few lines even the cops can’t ignore. I know you probably don’t understand family or love so you have no concept of protecting the ones you love as a result but this isn’t just about me. This is much bigger than that. When you go down, it won’t be one or two of you, it’ll be the entire cocking thing. I’m just gonna wait for that to happen and let you have your sick little fantasies in the meantime because let’s face it, you have nothing else. You’re not smart or beautiful or sporty, you’re just pond scum. The sort I would happily stab a million times with a blunt pencil for kicks (ooh, go on, report me for my threats to fill you with lead).

You had an advantage targeting me because I’m ill, cos pathetic little boys like you can’t take on someone the same size or on an equal footing, so you sit behind your little screens and kill/fuck cartoons with your stupid joysticks and threaten women and kids with sexual and physical violence. You are the definition of subhuman*

I am done with social networking or antisocial as the case has been. I threw myself out there because I felt like I could make a difference with everything I’ve learnt in my life and work but when I spoke up, the very people I was complaining about attacked me in their droves. The people purportedly on my side enabled them to do this. The same people who will commission Indian people to talk about India’s big rape problem without acknowledging the horrific rape and abuse on our own doorstep. The sorts who deny the racism inflicted on us every hour of every day without exception and in fact encourage it as a means of shutting us down. Those ‘lefties’ bent on defending their right to joke about rape and pour scorn on the imaginary race card without ever once reflecting on their whiteness and privilege.

You’ll have seen the new story regarding the woman beheaded in the street in Egypt. Such a brutal loss of life, such a horrific tale of male dominance and violence. We don’t treat our women like that.. Except we sorta do, (in a not immediately fatal sense, at least not always). The law may have been changed barely more than 50 years ago, to end capital punishment but the process of humiliation and voyeurism remains unchanged. The act of being tortured (physically or verbally) in front of your peers, to remind them of what happens to those who do not play the game is what they did to me, and everybody just stood around gawping, some too timid to speak, others revelling in their recently uncovered powers of impunity. That racism and sexism and privilege I was banging on about, they denied it by doing those exact things.

“How terrible to accuse someone of racism! I’m not a racist you fucking Paki”

“What do you mean you have an opinion? I’m going to kill you, you slag”

They twisted everything, they abused us and enabled others to abuse us with their huge fucking platforms and all the while a load of white people who have nothing going for themselves other than also being white, were listening and waiting for the time it was ok to call you a Paki online, and in the street.

Theresa May recently unveiled plans to make emotional abuse, controlling and coercive behaviour a jail-able offence, with up to five years in prison and a fine. Within an intimate relationship she described it as being ‘tantamount to torture’. I have had those relationships but I have also felt similarly being on the receiving end of racists and misogynists online, the point being that they attach to an existing collage of male violence and license to abuse. I already suffered from a condition affecting victims of torture before I’d even discovered social media.

To me, that image of the decapitated woman lying dead on the ground hurt my heart because she could have been my sister. Heck, she could have been me. I may not have had my throat slit but many have threatened to do exactly that to me. The frog in my throat that makes it difficult to breathe and speak is distressing. The idea that I might lose my mind again brings me back to the woman they beheaded. Her head was physically removed from her body by men who do what they like. The constant stream of white men telling me to kill myself, or threatening to doxx me or my family, or rape and slaughter me, sharing pictures lifted from an underage cousin’s profile, of her and my precious baby nephews, and bombarding me with images of torture, violence, images so gruesome any truly human person would feel shaken to the core is an attempt at a beheading of the emotional kind. The intention is to push me to the point where I do kill myself, a thing they feel is certain if they can only push me far enough. I don’t need to look to Egypt if I want to feel sorry for women; I have my fill of patriarchal misogyny in the apparently civilised west.

I am deleting these profiles now cos I do not want in on any platform that favours and benefits white men; the ones that delete the accounts of breastfeeding mothers but inform me that my rape threats do not violate community standards. I couldn’t give a stuff about ‘social’ networking. I do not attach easily to material possessions or ideas of what it means to be cool or current. When I reported these same fuckers to the police over 6 months ago, they cautioned me for kill all men. Now here we are, you’ve seen the images and how futile it is to expect justice when you are a woman of colour speaking truth. It is ok to threaten me with physical and sexual violence; this was confirmed to the abusers when the police and the platforms did fuck all about actual laws being broken. The thought of this makes me want to kill myself before someone else does. I may not have any control over a single thing in this godforsaken country but I am damned if I don’t get to call how it ends. I haven’t spent time teaching myself to breathe only to die a violent death at the hands of a fucking manz.

Silencing is what brought me to Twitter and it is why I leave it now too. The world hasn’t changed for the better these few years, it’s gotten considerably worse. Your allies are not your friends, all coppers are bastards and I really think we should kill all men (as in not just the black ones).

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24 comments

  1. Fucking hell, Sam. That is really shit (to put it very mildly). I’m really sorry to see you’ve been driven to this. I can’t (well, I can actually) believe that nothing has been done about those sick fucks. Will you be keeping this blog or will you be deleting it along with everything else? I’ve enjoyed reading your posts since I discovered your blog when you wrote about the bookfair a while ago. I was especially moved by your piece the other day in which you mentioned teaching your grandmother to read Arabic.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. All you had to do was mind your own business. All that was being done was one of our members bringing up an incident from a couple of months ago (let’s be honest, you getting sick to your stomach over a anime woman in a bikini was fucking hilarious)

    Well, you had to act tough. You had to puff out your chest and insult one of our members.

    Now you know what happens when you don’t stay in your place. I guess the only safe place for you now is the kitchen. Now make me some Nihari.

    For an activist, you are quite the fragile whore. Don’t fuck with us again. The horn will go right through your face next time.

    Love,
    The Gay Nigger Association of America

    Liked by 1 person

      1. To the GNAA:

        You are one seriously fucked up piece of shit! Go and tell your mother that this is what you do for fun, you terrorise people on the internet and further marginalise them. You intentionally make them feel like shit. Seriously, would you admit that you do this to the people who love you most? If they found out that you do this they probably wouldn’t even believe it was true because I imagine you’re a totally different person around them. They have no idea you are such a sick being and if they saw these comments they would be horrified and you know that! How would you feel if somebody was doing this to someone you love? This is just a shameful little secret of yours, that you get off on because you’re such an incredibly small and empty piece of shit.

        You’re not someone who uses reason because there is no way anyone can reasonably do what you do. That is how fucked up you are. You even use the “N-word” willy-nilly, like it means nothing. This is how pathetic and empty you are. The evidence of your sheer emptiness is the fact that you are able to say the most horrendous things and somehow justify them in your fucked up head. Anyone who is not totally fucked up simply wouldn’t be able to bring themselves to say half the shit you do.

        You are one incredibly fucked up person and you will continue living this shitty life that you do, trying to fill the void by terrorising those who you deem to be below you. Believe me, pal, that void ain’t ever going to be filled!

        Like

      2. I find it disheartening that you are using a misogynist slur against these men who hate women so much. These words must be removed from our lexicon, because it matters. Thank you for this amazing post. I share your rage and disgust with men… they are a plague on this Earth.

        Like

    1. You are one seriously fucked up piece of shit! Go and tell your mother that this is what you do for fun, you terrorise people on the internet and further marginalise them. You intentionally make them feel like shit. Seriously, would you admit that you do this to the people who love you most? If they found out that you do this they probably wouldn’t even believe it was true because I imagine you’re a totally different person around them. They have no idea you are such a sick being and if they saw these comments they would be horrified and you know that! How would you feel if somebody was doing this to someone you love? This is just a shameful little secret of yours, that you get off on because you’re such an incredibly small and empty piece of shit.

      You’re not someone who uses reason because there is no way anyone can reasonably do what you do. That is how fucked up you are. You even use the “N-word” willy-nilly, like it means nothing. This is how pathetic and empty you are. The evidence of your sheer emptiness is the fact that you are able to say the most horrendous things and somehow justify them in your fucked up head. Anyone who is not totally fucked up simply wouldn’t be able to bring themselves to say half the shit you do.

      You are one incredibly fucked up person and you will continue living this shitty life that you do, trying to fill the void by terrorising those who you deem to be below you. Believe me, pal, that void ain’t ever going to be filled!

      Like

      1. I don’t need to, I’ve managed to vent enough for one evening. And judging by the fact that you’ve not got much to say back to me, other than some homophobic bullshit, I’d say that perhaps some of what I said rang home, yes?

        Like

      1. Congratulations. You found the IP of the Tor node I was using. When you find the other 2, then you can go deal with the VPN I’m using, also

        Like

  3. It’s hillarious to see those SJW boasting and creating provocations and then whining and playing the victim when they actually face the blowback they caused in the first place.

    Sammy we have screencaps of your Islamophobic postings and your misandric ones too. We will gladly report you to your local law enforcement for rascism. You know in your country this is illegal and this time you will not get away with playing the victim.

    best regards,
    anonimos

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Now I’ve heard it all! Can a single one of you little jizz puddles read English or do I have to break it down? I said I will say kill all men all day in response to the hashtag trending worldwide *smdh* I support Muslims. My only beef is pissypant tweenies like you. You don’t deserve to breathe, need to scrap it all start again. I do believe sharing images of minors is illegal though.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sam, please. Don’t let them put you down. I understand it must be really depressing to go to the police and hear them tell you that you “were asking for it” (more or less). They’re wrong, and it is not ok at all that some assholes felt entitled enough to threaten you with physical and sexual violence. It must be depressing to realize that some perverts can break actual laws and that no one gives a shit, or even blame you for not staying at your own place and not behaving “properly” (that is, you spoke while you should have remain silent). It’s infuriating. I can’t imagine the kind of atrocious things they sent you, things made to scare you to the bones and destabilize you. Is there a way to send this crap directly to the bin, without you even looking at them ? They want you to look. I don’t know if it is the same one, but I refused to watch a video circulating on the net, the one of a beheaded woman -it happened in Saudi Arabia. They made her death something pornographic, to share and look at, to entertain them when they’re bored, drink beers, and scratch their balls in their living-rooms.
    I respect this woman too much, her suffering, to watch a video made by men to belittle and humiliate her, even after her death, a video also made to scare other women.
    I just post this following text on another blog, I hope it can help you to put words on what is happening, and relieve the despair you’re feeling. It’s from a book I just read about Emotional Abuse, it’s called “Stalking the soul”.
    “Often, emotional abuse builds over a long period of time until it becomes so unbearable that victims lash out in frustration and anger, only to appear unstable and aggressive themselves. This, according to Hirigoyen, is the intent of many abusers: to systematically “destabilize” and confuse their victims (with irrational, threatening behavior that preys on the victim’s fears and self-doubts), to isolate and control them and ultimately to destroy their identity. These relentless “predators” are also incapable of compassion or empathy, always blame the victim and never see their actions as wrong.”
    It permitted me to understand in a better way how some words and some non-verbal tactics indeed can crush your soul. (and how shitty it is, for there is no traces left to show the abuse). The author says that the best course of action is to ignore the trolls and not becoming agressive (I, personally, never managed this, neither)(But from now I’ll try my best), because if you do become agressive, you look like someone who is full of hate, as they are, and it really makes them satisfied. You become what they wanted you to be. And killing yourself, no, because that’s what they want too. I send you my best wishes and hope you get better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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