The patriarchal media and its victims

It’s hard being a victim. The very word implies submission to a violent or aggressive act, one in which we were overpowered and controlled. It makes us feel helpless and vulnerable. Being a victim or coming across as one leaves us open to further victimisation. And so we prefer to say we are survivors. We were able to overcome the horrific circumstances that threatened to shut us down and because we have survived we deserve praise for our resilience and ability to rise up. To do this, we need recognition. Firstly to recognise for ourselves that we fought hard and that it wasn’t our fault. Our clothing is not to blame, nor our looks or the time of day. Secondly, that our supporters believe us and in doing so protect us from further harm, defining the line for what is acceptable, ensuring that we do not begin to believe the lies our media and politicians spin in order to control our movements and associations.

A sex scandal is what happens when a supposedly happily married media ‘personality’ cheats on their long suffering, eternally loyal partner. Why it is any of our business, I won’t pretend to understand but for the sake of a comparison, that is how it reads to me (and I hope for most people). My aversion to the phrase aside, I strongly object to those words being used to describe CHILD ABUSE/STATUTORY RAPE (where patriarchy calls the underage victim willing and ‘older than their years’). In one article exposing the child abuse/sexual violence perpetrated by the voice of Elmo (yes, really), he is described as having ‘sexual relationships’ with underage ‘accusers’. Minors cannot consent to ‘sexual relationships’.

NON CONSENSUAL SEX IS RAPE.

(You can read the article here http://huff.to/WMoubA)

The writer of this article calls it underage sex and suggests the voice of Elmo continues to experience ‘misfortune’ as a result of the allegations. Hey Elmo, it really is bad luck that you’ve been caught abusing children. Maybe if we tarnish your young victims with the sort of language that implies something sexual happened but they’re only making it known now cos they want to see you go down, you’ll be spared a proper punishment and the victims will be ridiculed instead.

What do Berlusconi, Dominique Strauss Kahn, Jimmy Savile and Elmo have in common? They have raped and abused and violated women and children without their consent. In the British press, they are all allegedly involved in ‘sex scandals’. There are numerous attempts on behalf of the patriarchal press and media to silence the victims by giving a platform to the perpetrators (‘I’m not an abuser and that’s the end of that. Now give me money’) and using language to convince you of their innocence. Victims do not want to be associated with a sex scandal. It is sordid and implies they were actively involved in some way. By implicating the victims and suggesting that they are in some way to blame, patriarchy ensures that survivors remain victimised. It creates a barrier for other victims to speak out too. It normalises abuse by rebranding it as just sex and the ‘accusers’ as jilted lovers or scroungers after their 15 minutes. Just like the many women who believe partners have more rights to their bodies than they themselves do (wish I’d been there when patriarchy invented this one) even when she doesn’t feel like it, the message we are consistently given is that there are levels of rape and your rape isn’t even rape rape. In fact rape rape is extremely rare so in this way patriarchy has convinced you that sexual violence against women just isn’t even a thing (what rape culture?).

This is one of many examples I could give regarding the way news is reported in a patriarchal system and how it influences society’s attitudes to victims of gender related crime. In as many weeks, 2 perpetrators of domestic homicide murdered their wives before committing suicide. Neither case was reported to involve domestic abuse. There was an emphasis on the behaviour of the murdered woman in the run up to the incident, perhaps she liked a drink and was ‘bubbly’ (read overly friendly/in your face). There were no indications as to the behaviour of the perpetrator except maybe he’d had a spell of depression (sympathy please) and don’t forget what an amazing personality/leader/sportsman he was and what a loss this will be to the world. The language used attempts to invoke sympathy for the abuser; it paints a tragedy not a brutal murder.

It is powerful and influential and they know this.

..Don’t even get me started on child ‘porn’.

A victim confronts her rapists – MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING

With the world frantically apologising for rapist Assange, it goes without saying that rape victims everywhere will be feeling traumatised and hesitant to report. The past few weeks have triggered old feelings for many as teh menz go about explaining to those being raped what constitutes a ‘legitimate’ rape. It leaves us feeling like we shouldn’t bother reporting, even when we know we didn’t consent.

The following is a description of what many rape victims go through, in trying to reconcile the trauma with fact.

We need to believe victims, we need to support them. Rape is rape.

(X was raped by two men; M being her ‘first love’ and A, his best friend. Two years after she was raped, X received an unsolicited email)

Message from a rapist

“I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for what happened never should have. I wish one day we can talk. Do think about you sometimes and just wonder what going on in your life. Take care. M”

A couple of years pass without any correspondence and then..

On FB, A wrote:

“Never cared for an explanation before this”

Traumatised, a friend responds on X’s behalf:

“You don’t know me and I have little interest in knowing any of you, but as someone that cares for X deeply, and seeing as you’ve all tried to make contact with her recently, I’m going to take this opportunity to point a few things out to you.

Yes, she was drunk that night. Yes, a part of her wanted to have sex with you M. No, she did not want to have sex with you A. Yes, it was rape.

M’s sister, I’m sure you’re upset by what happened, but your suggestion that she asked for it by getting drunk and not listening to your advice to stay away from your brother, is just the kind of told-you-so quip a girl who has suffered so horrifically doesn’t need to hear.

No girl asks to get raped.

New laws have been passed to protect girls in exactly the same situation: if a girl is drunk and says no, it’s rape.

I think it’s pretty sick that you keep images of her torment on your laptop M.

Please don’t try to contact her. That night changed her. She’s not the meek eager-to-please little girl you all once knew. She’s tough as nails is our X.

If you pursue harassing her, she will contact the police.

Just let it go. You could have destroyed her life, but you didn’t. Be thankful for that. I hope this disgusting ordeal has taught you not to do this to another girl ever again. I wish you all peace. S”

A responds to S’ email:

“I’d like to say thank you for responding to me.  I’ll respect yours and X’s wishes to not contact her – this was the only time I tried in two years but only because I never had a way of contacting her until now.  If I did, I would have tried long ago, but I realize now that it might not have made a difference.

I don’t wish to rehash that night – the way you described it is disturbing and very hurtful, and I don’t agree with it, but this isn’t about me.  I feel absolutely terrible that it made X feel that way.  I hated not knowing all this time, but your email made me realize that things ended badly.

I don’t blame you if you don’t share this message with X – you sound like a caring friend and I can appreciate that.  If you do, please tell her that I am truly sorry for being part of something that caused her pain.  I know this sounds crazy, but I felt a strong connection with her from the moment I met her.  Things happened the way they did, but it was never my intention.
I hoped that I might see her again when in London, but I know that will never happen.

Again, please tell her I’m sorry.”

A proceeds to send X an email anyway:

“Not sure what to say.  I never had the chance to talk to you after that night but I really wanted to.  I asked M about you 100 times.  I guess now I understand a little better.

I know you probably don’t want to believe anything I say, but the impression it seems you have of me and the person I really am are very different.  Look, I respect your feelings and I want to try and see things from your side if you’ll share that with me.  I remember that night and I want to share my feelings too.  They are not what you expect…”

X responds:

“It’s taken me a long time to make sense of things and face my demons and now I have nothing but curiosity, but its taken a long time to get to this. That night, before you’d even turned up, I’d drunk so much my judgement was already way off. I keep thinking back to my behaviour, silly things that I’d done, how I’d brought it on myself.

I really enjoyed being at the club, dancing, getting drunk. For the first time, I didn’t feel uncomfortable around M, didn’t feel like the sap he’d always made me feel. Ironic really, it was the first time I’d trusted him. When we were in bed, I was a fool for letting him touch me and for getting carried away. The enormity of the situation didn’t strike home until you were asked to join in. I said no (admittedley I didn’t scream it) a fair few times and in the end I gave myself two choices; scream and make it more harrowing or lie back and play numb. M, the twat who always insisted on using contraception mocked me with ‘wouldn’t it be funny if you did get pregnant? you wouldn’t know the father until it was born’ before chucking the condom over his shoulder. I asked him not to hurt me and you did too, I thought you were on my side. Until you said you wanted to have a go too. He ripped my pyjamas because I’d tied a knot in the drawstring. What part of that was consensual? At some point, after it was all done, you left to sleep in the other room. I asked M many times why he’d allowed for something like this to happen and he said, so carefree, that if it had been any other one of his friends he wouldn’t have stood for it but you, you were like his brother. What the hell does that mean?!?

Why were you guys forcibly taking pictures of me? When I was trying to wrap myself up in the duvet? Do you know I got an infection after that night? Not transmitted but as a result of the trauma? That I had bruises on my wrists, thighs?

How can the picture be any different in your head?”

A responds:

“I know saying sorry doesn’t change anything, but I really am.  I remember M telling me that we would be driving down to *place* and didn’t tell me much of who we were meeting.  I remember I was exhausted because I hadn’t slept in two days and I didn’t think I would have fun.  Then he stopped to pick you up and everything changed.

At that point, I didn’t know the relationship you had with M.  I could tell there was some history, but I didn’t know the extent of it.  When we were in bed, I felt incredibly awkward.  On the one hand, I understood what was going on, and yet I felt so attracted to you, and more than just physically and I believed that you felt that way too. I know that shouldn’t make sense and maybe that’s where I am totally wrong.  I tried to control my feelings, and then I slipped up.  But X, I didn’t do it to ‘have a go’.  I’ve never been that way, and I will never be that way and I wished many times that I could talk to you just to let you know.

Now years later I have a chance to talk to you about this – I still think about you from time to time.  Partly because of the strangeness of that night and partly because somehow I knew you were hurt, and I didn’t want that.  I hope we can continue to talk.

P.S. I never saw the pictures after that day, and I really believe they are gone.”

X replies:

“There’s a reason why I decided to have this out with you than him. As far as I’m concerned he never existed. He came into my life when I was 15, when I was vulnerable and manipulated my feelings, treated me with very little respect. I was just his girl this side of the pond. I developed an eating disorder because of all the crap he’d feed me about how hot and slim his girl was, how he could never treat me as anything but a shag. He broke my heart so many times going as far as taunting me with lines like “you’re the second girl I’ve fucked today”. I was so stupid, I let him, year after year until that occasion. I can understand now why it may have been strange for you and why you wouldn’t have been feeling what I was feeling where, for the umpteenth time, he just used me and left. I remember telling him the two of you had to leave ‘cos I was moving out of the house the next day and that the chap from the agency saw me as a sister and how would he feel if it were his sister in the same position. He just scoffed, going as far as calling his mum a vessel and his sister someone he shares DNA with. I’m just sorry it took me so long to realise his intentions. Apart from his girl, his views on women are misogynistic and quite dangerous. I’m sorry you got dragged into it.”

A’s final email to X. X is so disgusted by some of his suggestions, she cannot continue.

“ X, I shouldn’t have made my version of that night sound overly romantic because thats not fair to you.  I too thought most of the night was great and I had alot of fun, but I realize the morning was insensitive.  I really did try to get M to contact you after that day because I didn’t feel good about it, and I thought he was lying when he said he couldn’t reach you anymore.  After about 1 year I gave up.  Then I tried sending you that email and I got that response from your friend, and I can’t believe how much that email bothered me. At first I was offended, then I was pissed off about it, and then I was hurt and very sad that I had something to do with making you feel that way.  I think it hit home that things were worse than I expected.  If I had to defend myself and my actions regarding the things that happened that night, I think I could, but I wish I held back.

I always wanted to tell you that I think you are beautiful and that you have a sweet personality.  That probably sounds gross coming from me

How have things been for you these last few years otherwise?  Have you found someone that treats you well?  Would you rather stop the emails now that we’ve discussed it?”

There are many that will say, well, it can’t have been that bad else why would she still speak to them? Trauma works in mysterious ways. Victims need closure and if the State cannot provide it, what are they to do?

If X now chose to report, would she have to answer questions about why she allowed herself to get so drunk? What about the clothes she was wearing? The fact that she’d had previous sexual relations with one of the rapists, would they deem it consensual? 

An open letter to the funny makers

You’re funny, we get that. That’s why you’re on TV and have a massive following on Twitter. You made it. You’re an intelligent person, you’re likeable; it’s what makes you so successful. The world is your oyster.. Do you think if you chose to avoid a subject like rape, the world would suddenly fall out from under you? Tickets wouldn’t so well, reviews maybe not so favourable? Who are you trying to please? Is that because you consciously know that a significant number of your fans relish this sort of ‘humour’ because they believe it to be true? Do you like it because it’s true..?

When you make a joke about rape, I sometimes forget to breathe. My heart starts pounding and my palms begin to sweat, with a crawling sensation over my whole body. Pins and needles in my hands and feet.. In my brain. I have to force myself to breathe in a controlled manner until the adrenalin subsides. I always feel nauseous afterwards. Sometimes I am physically sick. These are all symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Although I am on medication to control my resting moods, whenever I am triggered I have an acute response. I suppose they don’t do drugs strong enough to suppress trauma like rape, sexual assault and child abuse.

We’ve pleaded with you to think about what you’re doing. But that just makes you do it even more. Much like a rapist. 1 in 4 women has experienced rape or attempted rape. This is not a laughing matter. Women generally don’t like to shout it from the rooftops but I imagine this statistic also applies to the women in your life. Unless you are a perpetrator of rape and your mother, sister, girlfriend, wife or daughter are fair game for other men cos women are beneath you (and I’m not talking to you), the thought of these women in your life being violated is too much to bear right? (I hope.)

Can you imagine them feeling what I feel when you so flippantly roll off a gag about date rape? How about gang rape? I know, paedophiles!

When we get angry and we demand that you think, it’s not control or censorship. It’s sheer disbelief that another human being would mentally and emotionally harm a large section of society. And not just once but defiantly, repeatedly offend in some bizarre belief that this will boost the ratings. Yes! It will. Rapists and supporters of rapists will flock to your shows. Nice one.

Please. Think.

Rape-Rape In The Real World Online

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Safe as Houses

Since Refuge announced it might have to close due to excessive funding cuts from the government, we have to question whether the withdrawal of support to such an institution is lawful and whether the local authority has a duty to provide shelter to those at risk of harm.

The Domestic Violence, Crime and Victims Act 2004 was the first revision of DV legislation in over 30 years and put in place new powers to support victims at risk of or fleeing domestic abuse, through the courts and police e.g making common assault an arrestable offence and breaching of non-molestation orders, a criminal offence. It implemented a framework from which all agencies could follow a code of practice to ensure all victims were given adequate support and protection.

This was an enhancement to existing legislation – Housing Act 1998 and Homelessness Act 2002 – which aimed to prevent further incidents of abuse by providing an interim duty to accommodate;  an admission that where there may be reason to believe (a verbal declaration should suffice) a person is believed to be at risk of homelessness due to domestic abuse and it is not reasonable to occupy their current premises, the local authority has a duty of care to establish whether they are in priority need (under section 184 Housing Act) and eligible for assistance.

In my experience as a DV worker, priority need differed from one city/borough to the next. Single women without children were not considered in this category and as such, their only recourse to safe accommodation came in the form of a refuge. Even in cases where a service user had come to the end of their license agreement, whereupon they would become unintentionally homeless, local authorities would refuse to accept they had duty of care, suggesting that we move the survivor on to another refuge. So much for Article 8 of the Human Rights Act 1998 – The right to privacy, family life, home and correspondence.

The role of a refuge is to provide temporary accommodation, a halfway house before suitable, permanent accommodation is allocated. As a rule, all the women passing through safe houses should submit homelessness applications on arrival, because they are in fact, unintentionally homeless. If, for whatever reason, the service user could not remain at the refuge, she was then considered to be intentionally homeless and as a result, not eligible for assistance. Survivors were being manipulated into staying at refuges.

I had a case once where the survivor was at an immediate risk of homicide. Police reports had been taken, her injuries photographed. She had been viciously attacked and her small children witnessed it taking place. Social services were involved. We were in the process of securing an injunction. A clear-cut case if ever there was one. Yet the local authority disallowed her application because the worker believed she was lying about her disclosure.  They simply did not believe her. She had presented with a hospital report but this was not enough. However, she was sent away with a list of refuges whom she would  have to call herself along with the advice that she may be in a refuge for up to 3 years, after which she would no longer be deemed priority need Band A and would be demoted to that of non-priority Band C. The housing worker suggested to my client that if she were to approach a refuge, the local authority might be more inclined to believe she was telling the truth. Despite the reams of paperwork and evidence suggesting she and her children were at an increased risk of homicide. Eventually, a multi-agency approach imcluding me and her social worker was successful in demonstrating the local authority did have a duty of care to “safeguard and promote the welfare of children in need” (Children Act 1989) which includes providing accommodation.

Essentially there are 3 options when fleeing:

• Homelessness application

• Transferring tenancy from current premises to another borough

• Refuge

Local housing lists are stretched beyond their limits, many more people presenting at Homeless Needs Units than there are properties available. In order to transfer tenancy, another must become available. As a result, many women are forced to stay in hostile situations. Or approach a refuge.

The Homelessness Code of Guidance for Local Authorities states (paragraph 16.27):

“Housing authorities should develop close links with women’s refuges within their district… However, housing authorities should recognise that placing an applicant in a refuge will generally be a temporary expedient only, and a prolonged stay could block a bed that was urgently needed by someone else at risk. Refuges should be used to provide accommodation for the minimum period necessary before alternative suitable accommodation is secured elsewhere.  Housing authorities should not delay in securing alterative accommodation in the hope that the applicant might return to her partner.”

If Refuge are forced to close their doors, where will the non-priority, supposedly intentionally homeless survivors of domestic abuse go? Local authorities will no longer be able to place duty of care at their door. A system that has already collapsed under the strain cannot conceivably provide additional support. How will local authorities cope with a drastic increase in homelessness applications? Will they have temporary accommodation in place for women who urgently need to flee? Where will they find the stock to re-house these urgent cases?

There are no answers to these questions because we cannot magic provision out of thin air.