The patriarchal media and its victims

It’s hard being a victim. The very word implies submission to a violent or aggressive act, one in which we were overpowered and controlled. It makes us feel helpless and vulnerable. Being a victim or coming across as one leaves us open to further victimisation. And so we prefer to say we are survivors. We were able to overcome the horrific circumstances that threatened to shut us down and because we have survived we deserve praise for our resilience and ability to rise up. To do this, we need recognition. Firstly to recognise for ourselves that we fought hard and that it wasn’t our fault. Our clothing is not to blame, nor our looks or the time of day. Secondly, that our supporters believe us and in doing so protect us from further harm, defining the line for what is acceptable, ensuring that we do not begin to believe the lies our media and politicians spin in order to control our movements and associations.

A sex scandal is what happens when a supposedly happily married media ‘personality’ cheats on their long suffering, eternally loyal partner. Why it is any of our business, I won’t pretend to understand but for the sake of a comparison, that is how it reads to me (and I hope for most people). My aversion to the phrase aside, I strongly object to those words being used to describe CHILD ABUSE/STATUTORY RAPE (where patriarchy calls the underage victim willing and ‘older than their years’). In one article exposing the child abuse/sexual violence perpetrated by the voice of Elmo (yes, really), he is described as having ‘sexual relationships’ with underage ‘accusers’. Minors cannot consent to ‘sexual relationships’.

NON CONSENSUAL SEX IS RAPE.

(You can read the article here http://huff.to/WMoubA)

The writer of this article calls it underage sex and suggests the voice of Elmo continues to experience ‘misfortune’ as a result of the allegations. Hey Elmo, it really is bad luck that you’ve been caught abusing children. Maybe if we tarnish your young victims with the sort of language that implies something sexual happened but they’re only making it known now cos they want to see you go down, you’ll be spared a proper punishment and the victims will be ridiculed instead.

What do Berlusconi, Dominique Strauss Kahn, Jimmy Savile and Elmo have in common? They have raped and abused and violated women and children without their consent. In the British press, they are all allegedly involved in ‘sex scandals’. There are numerous attempts on behalf of the patriarchal press and media to silence the victims by giving a platform to the perpetrators (‘I’m not an abuser and that’s the end of that. Now give me money’) and using language to convince you of their innocence. Victims do not want to be associated with a sex scandal. It is sordid and implies they were actively involved in some way. By implicating the victims and suggesting that they are in some way to blame, patriarchy ensures that survivors remain victimised. It creates a barrier for other victims to speak out too. It normalises abuse by rebranding it as just sex and the ‘accusers’ as jilted lovers or scroungers after their 15 minutes. Just like the many women who believe partners have more rights to their bodies than they themselves do (wish I’d been there when patriarchy invented this one) even when she doesn’t feel like it, the message we are consistently given is that there are levels of rape and your rape isn’t even rape rape. In fact rape rape is extremely rare so in this way patriarchy has convinced you that sexual violence against women just isn’t even a thing (what rape culture?).

This is one of many examples I could give regarding the way news is reported in a patriarchal system and how it influences society’s attitudes to victims of gender related crime. In as many weeks, 2 perpetrators of domestic homicide murdered their wives before committing suicide. Neither case was reported to involve domestic abuse. There was an emphasis on the behaviour of the murdered woman in the run up to the incident, perhaps she liked a drink and was ‘bubbly’ (read overly friendly/in your face). There were no indications as to the behaviour of the perpetrator except maybe he’d had a spell of depression (sympathy please) and don’t forget what an amazing personality/leader/sportsman he was and what a loss this will be to the world. The language used attempts to invoke sympathy for the abuser; it paints a tragedy not a brutal murder.

It is powerful and influential and they know this.

..Don’t even get me started on child ‘porn’.

A victim confronts her rapists – MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING

With the world frantically apologising for rapist Assange, it goes without saying that rape victims everywhere will be feeling traumatised and hesitant to report. The past few weeks have triggered old feelings for many as teh menz go about explaining to those being raped what constitutes a ‘legitimate’ rape. It leaves us feeling like we shouldn’t bother reporting, even when we know we didn’t consent.

The following is a description of what many rape victims go through, in trying to reconcile the trauma with fact.

We need to believe victims, we need to support them. Rape is rape.

(X was raped by two men; M being her ‘first love’ and A, his best friend. Two years after she was raped, X received an unsolicited email)

Message from a rapist

“I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for what happened never should have. I wish one day we can talk. Do think about you sometimes and just wonder what going on in your life. Take care. M”

A couple of years pass without any correspondence and then..

On FB, A wrote:

“Never cared for an explanation before this”

Traumatised, a friend responds on X’s behalf:

“You don’t know me and I have little interest in knowing any of you, but as someone that cares for X deeply, and seeing as you’ve all tried to make contact with her recently, I’m going to take this opportunity to point a few things out to you.

Yes, she was drunk that night. Yes, a part of her wanted to have sex with you M. No, she did not want to have sex with you A. Yes, it was rape.

M’s sister, I’m sure you’re upset by what happened, but your suggestion that she asked for it by getting drunk and not listening to your advice to stay away from your brother, is just the kind of told-you-so quip a girl who has suffered so horrifically doesn’t need to hear.

No girl asks to get raped.

New laws have been passed to protect girls in exactly the same situation: if a girl is drunk and says no, it’s rape.

I think it’s pretty sick that you keep images of her torment on your laptop M.

Please don’t try to contact her. That night changed her. She’s not the meek eager-to-please little girl you all once knew. She’s tough as nails is our X.

If you pursue harassing her, she will contact the police.

Just let it go. You could have destroyed her life, but you didn’t. Be thankful for that. I hope this disgusting ordeal has taught you not to do this to another girl ever again. I wish you all peace. S”

A responds to S’ email:

“I’d like to say thank you for responding to me.  I’ll respect yours and X’s wishes to not contact her – this was the only time I tried in two years but only because I never had a way of contacting her until now.  If I did, I would have tried long ago, but I realize now that it might not have made a difference.

I don’t wish to rehash that night – the way you described it is disturbing and very hurtful, and I don’t agree with it, but this isn’t about me.  I feel absolutely terrible that it made X feel that way.  I hated not knowing all this time, but your email made me realize that things ended badly.

I don’t blame you if you don’t share this message with X – you sound like a caring friend and I can appreciate that.  If you do, please tell her that I am truly sorry for being part of something that caused her pain.  I know this sounds crazy, but I felt a strong connection with her from the moment I met her.  Things happened the way they did, but it was never my intention.
I hoped that I might see her again when in London, but I know that will never happen.

Again, please tell her I’m sorry.”

A proceeds to send X an email anyway:

“Not sure what to say.  I never had the chance to talk to you after that night but I really wanted to.  I asked M about you 100 times.  I guess now I understand a little better.

I know you probably don’t want to believe anything I say, but the impression it seems you have of me and the person I really am are very different.  Look, I respect your feelings and I want to try and see things from your side if you’ll share that with me.  I remember that night and I want to share my feelings too.  They are not what you expect…”

X responds:

“It’s taken me a long time to make sense of things and face my demons and now I have nothing but curiosity, but its taken a long time to get to this. That night, before you’d even turned up, I’d drunk so much my judgement was already way off. I keep thinking back to my behaviour, silly things that I’d done, how I’d brought it on myself.

I really enjoyed being at the club, dancing, getting drunk. For the first time, I didn’t feel uncomfortable around M, didn’t feel like the sap he’d always made me feel. Ironic really, it was the first time I’d trusted him. When we were in bed, I was a fool for letting him touch me and for getting carried away. The enormity of the situation didn’t strike home until you were asked to join in. I said no (admittedley I didn’t scream it) a fair few times and in the end I gave myself two choices; scream and make it more harrowing or lie back and play numb. M, the twat who always insisted on using contraception mocked me with ‘wouldn’t it be funny if you did get pregnant? you wouldn’t know the father until it was born’ before chucking the condom over his shoulder. I asked him not to hurt me and you did too, I thought you were on my side. Until you said you wanted to have a go too. He ripped my pyjamas because I’d tied a knot in the drawstring. What part of that was consensual? At some point, after it was all done, you left to sleep in the other room. I asked M many times why he’d allowed for something like this to happen and he said, so carefree, that if it had been any other one of his friends he wouldn’t have stood for it but you, you were like his brother. What the hell does that mean?!?

Why were you guys forcibly taking pictures of me? When I was trying to wrap myself up in the duvet? Do you know I got an infection after that night? Not transmitted but as a result of the trauma? That I had bruises on my wrists, thighs?

How can the picture be any different in your head?”

A responds:

“I know saying sorry doesn’t change anything, but I really am.  I remember M telling me that we would be driving down to *place* and didn’t tell me much of who we were meeting.  I remember I was exhausted because I hadn’t slept in two days and I didn’t think I would have fun.  Then he stopped to pick you up and everything changed.

At that point, I didn’t know the relationship you had with M.  I could tell there was some history, but I didn’t know the extent of it.  When we were in bed, I felt incredibly awkward.  On the one hand, I understood what was going on, and yet I felt so attracted to you, and more than just physically and I believed that you felt that way too. I know that shouldn’t make sense and maybe that’s where I am totally wrong.  I tried to control my feelings, and then I slipped up.  But X, I didn’t do it to ‘have a go’.  I’ve never been that way, and I will never be that way and I wished many times that I could talk to you just to let you know.

Now years later I have a chance to talk to you about this – I still think about you from time to time.  Partly because of the strangeness of that night and partly because somehow I knew you were hurt, and I didn’t want that.  I hope we can continue to talk.

P.S. I never saw the pictures after that day, and I really believe they are gone.”

X replies:

“There’s a reason why I decided to have this out with you than him. As far as I’m concerned he never existed. He came into my life when I was 15, when I was vulnerable and manipulated my feelings, treated me with very little respect. I was just his girl this side of the pond. I developed an eating disorder because of all the crap he’d feed me about how hot and slim his girl was, how he could never treat me as anything but a shag. He broke my heart so many times going as far as taunting me with lines like “you’re the second girl I’ve fucked today”. I was so stupid, I let him, year after year until that occasion. I can understand now why it may have been strange for you and why you wouldn’t have been feeling what I was feeling where, for the umpteenth time, he just used me and left. I remember telling him the two of you had to leave ‘cos I was moving out of the house the next day and that the chap from the agency saw me as a sister and how would he feel if it were his sister in the same position. He just scoffed, going as far as calling his mum a vessel and his sister someone he shares DNA with. I’m just sorry it took me so long to realise his intentions. Apart from his girl, his views on women are misogynistic and quite dangerous. I’m sorry you got dragged into it.”

A’s final email to X. X is so disgusted by some of his suggestions, she cannot continue.

“ X, I shouldn’t have made my version of that night sound overly romantic because thats not fair to you.  I too thought most of the night was great and I had alot of fun, but I realize the morning was insensitive.  I really did try to get M to contact you after that day because I didn’t feel good about it, and I thought he was lying when he said he couldn’t reach you anymore.  After about 1 year I gave up.  Then I tried sending you that email and I got that response from your friend, and I can’t believe how much that email bothered me. At first I was offended, then I was pissed off about it, and then I was hurt and very sad that I had something to do with making you feel that way.  I think it hit home that things were worse than I expected.  If I had to defend myself and my actions regarding the things that happened that night, I think I could, but I wish I held back.

I always wanted to tell you that I think you are beautiful and that you have a sweet personality.  That probably sounds gross coming from me

How have things been for you these last few years otherwise?  Have you found someone that treats you well?  Would you rather stop the emails now that we’ve discussed it?”

There are many that will say, well, it can’t have been that bad else why would she still speak to them? Trauma works in mysterious ways. Victims need closure and if the State cannot provide it, what are they to do?

If X now chose to report, would she have to answer questions about why she allowed herself to get so drunk? What about the clothes she was wearing? The fact that she’d had previous sexual relations with one of the rapists, would they deem it consensual? 

An open letter to the funny makers

You’re funny, we get that. That’s why you’re on TV and have a massive following on Twitter. You made it. You’re an intelligent person, you’re likeable; it’s what makes you so successful. The world is your oyster.. Do you think if you chose to avoid a subject like rape, the world would suddenly fall out from under you? Tickets wouldn’t so well, reviews maybe not so favourable? Who are you trying to please? Is that because you consciously know that a significant number of your fans relish this sort of ‘humour’ because they believe it to be true? Do you like it because it’s true..?

When you make a joke about rape, I sometimes forget to breathe. My heart starts pounding and my palms begin to sweat, with a crawling sensation over my whole body. Pins and needles in my hands and feet.. In my brain. I have to force myself to breathe in a controlled manner until the adrenalin subsides. I always feel nauseous afterwards. Sometimes I am physically sick. These are all symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Although I am on medication to control my resting moods, whenever I am triggered I have an acute response. I suppose they don’t do drugs strong enough to suppress trauma like rape, sexual assault and child abuse.

We’ve pleaded with you to think about what you’re doing. But that just makes you do it even more. Much like a rapist. 1 in 4 women has experienced rape or attempted rape. This is not a laughing matter. Women generally don’t like to shout it from the rooftops but I imagine this statistic also applies to the women in your life. Unless you are a perpetrator of rape and your mother, sister, girlfriend, wife or daughter are fair game for other men cos women are beneath you (and I’m not talking to you), the thought of these women in your life being violated is too much to bear right? (I hope.)

Can you imagine them feeling what I feel when you so flippantly roll off a gag about date rape? How about gang rape? I know, paedophiles!

When we get angry and we demand that you think, it’s not control or censorship. It’s sheer disbelief that another human being would mentally and emotionally harm a large section of society. And not just once but defiantly, repeatedly offend in some bizarre belief that this will boost the ratings. Yes! It will. Rapists and supporters of rapists will flock to your shows. Nice one.

Please. Think.

Bless you father; for you have sinned

If, like me, you started today with a sinking feeling and a need to hide away under your duvet, chances are it’s not a very happy father’s day for you. There may be those who have been recently bereaved. This piece is not for them. This is not about the loving, doting, happy to provide and protect father; the one who read you a bedtime story and tucked you up in bed, waking to drive you to school the next day.  It’s not even about the strict dad, who scared your first boyfriend off because he would never be good enough for his little girl. It’s about the fathers who are only dads through DNA.

In the very beginning, a man deposited an amount of sperm in a woman’s body. He didn’t really love her, just felt like he owned her and could use her if he damn well pleased; being a man an’ all, with all the privilege that comes with it. Woman fell pregnant and man accused her of entrapment. Many women feel quite sad about this. Man seems all too happy to have sex with her but the second she falls pregnant, it’s all about her manipulative ways to snare a man. Surely man needs to be more careful about where he sticks it? Especially as precious new life may be the result. How irresponsible. Woman thinks it’d be a better world if people would only have sex with people they wouldn’t in fact mind having children with.

Woman and man have been raising the kids for a while now. He still maintains he did not want anything to do with her but miraculously causes another coupla babies to be born. I say man too, but really this is not true. Man lives his life whilst woman’s children are now her life. He drinks, he womanises, leaves evidence of his activities lying around for the children to see. Woman gains a shed load of weight. She stops washing. She loses the words to express herself. Man calls her a filthy disgusting pig and says it’s no wonder he is not attracted to her. Woman vows she does not care after the last time he punched her in the mouth and it bled.

The children are growing. They don’t like the way their father treats their mother. When he hits her, it causes a pain in their hearts, like he’s hitting them. When he laughs at her, they feel like crying because of the intense hurt. They resent the way he thinks he can withhold them from their mother. When she musters a little strength to say “no”, he tells her he will take her children away and kick her out on the street. The children plead with their mother to do as he says. They’re scared. When they disagree with him, he punches them too. Once, he made them choose the weapon from which they’d meet their end, if they carried on being so insolent. Rifle or Machete? Man keeps them under his bed. The children have no doubt he would do this, man likes to tell the story of another man who killed his entire family because the daughter had a boyfriend.

The children turn into teenagers and soon they start forming protective circles around their mum, dad can’t get at her when they’re in the way. But he still does and laughs as he throws his tweenie children off her and away, like bowling balls crashing into sofas and beds. The eldest vows she will leave and one day, everyone will know the truth. That some men use the word dad to use privileges they have no right to. That some dads don’t care for their children but see them as property. The ones who will drag their broods through court just to slander and tear up what remains of mum’s heart.

Mum left him you see, in the end. When the children were old enough, they carried her away. The truth of it all, in the end, is that the best a father can do for his children is to love their mother. He might not agree with what she does, he might not even like her character very much. But he loves the mother of his children because she gave him their precious babies. Those babies can tell when it is not genuine and when their mother is sad. And being that mother is the centre of their universe; dad could try and understand this. And be a righteous father.

Happy Father’s Day to decent dads the world over. You play an important role.

Be good to the mother of your children.

How To Support A Survivor Of Domestic Abuse

When 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives, we all need to be prepared to deal with the fact that it might happen to someone we love. If you suddenly found out that your sister was being abused by her loving, doting husband, how would you react?

DON’T SAY: I can’t believe he would do something like that, what did you do? Why would he hurt you?

Perpetrators of domestic abuse are often charming and sociable characters. They know how to manipulate people into thinking they are calm and reasonable. Your sister will not have seen this side to him; he was hardly going to begin the relationship in his true colours. Asking her what she did and why the abuse took place is justifying the act. There are no excuses for physical and emotional abuse. I have had people argue that “she deserved a slap” for her behaviour. Or “she made me do it”. Nobody makes an abuser do or feel anything; they allow themselves to feel a certain way because it is never their fault, somehow they are always the wronged party. However she might behave, the decent thing for him to do is walk away.

DO: Offer to listen, without judgement or advice. However much you may want to protect your friend/family member, you cannot start telling them what to do. Chances are she is trying to leave a controlling situation, the last thing she will want is more orders. Instead, calmly offer your shoulder and listen. This might be the first time she has disclosed anything so you want to remain calm and in control. If you break down, she might feel she is burdening you. If she does ask for your help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 where they can advise you on how to plan around safety and advise on the steps she will need to take should she need to flee.

Remember: It has taken a lot of courage to break her silence. Confidentiality is key. You are there to buoy her spirits and offer reassurance that she is not alone. She might want an immediate solution, then again she might not. Relationships are complicated and there are bonds that run deep. He might be her abuser but he could also be her first love, the father of her children. She might just want him to seek help. You are not there to judge but to make life more bearable.

I have been approached once or twice by women who are dear to me. In these situations, I knew their partners, we all socialised together. Holding it together for them, kissing their abuser on the cheek when meeting, is difficult and requires strength and diplomacy. You can never lose sight of the trust your friend/family member has placed in you by confiding. Should they see past the façade, the consequences for your loved one could be devastating. Also, although you are trying to save the day here, don’t be a hero, you do not want to make yourself a target.

If you do find yourself involved in a situation where harm is imminent and your loved one needs to escape urgently, get together some essentials. Toiletries, passport, a change of clothes. Children’s favourite toys. Refuges are furnished and if she is not able to get away with more than what she is wearing, some refuges can make arrangements for provision and may also be able to enlist the help of the local police should she need to return to the property for the rest of her belongings. Ensure this is all done in a safe manner, if it is not possible then simply leave to another day.

As I have previously mentioned, the National Domestic Violence Helpline can help with queries. I am also here should you need additional support.

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