Privilege Top Trumps

What makes me a feminist? First and foremost I am a woman. I demand an equal right to life. I resent the opportunities I am not given on the basis of my sex. I will fight for these rights, physically if I have to. I resent the ways in which I have had to struggle in order to survive. I am bitter about the many men who have hurt me, on a personal level but professionally also. As women, we have all had these experiences purely because we have been programmed to believe we are physically and intellectually inferior. Many of us haven’t the fight to strike back because we already believe we will lose.

In some parts of the world, it is extremely dangerous to identify as a strong woman. Women in parts of rural Pakistan/Afghanistan have their noses torn off for refusing to make the dinner. In Central America, self-identifying trans women are brutally murdered for deviating from the extremely cis gendered norm. Young Turkish women are coerced into taking their own lives since honour killings carry a mandatory life sentence. Our sisters the world over are suffering still, controlled by the very men who claim to protect and provide. In fact, up to 70% of the women in our vast world will experience domestic abuse. It is astonishing, when the figure is this high, that our Western media is constantly demanding an end to feminism or at least writing about its decline. And there are women, mainly white middle/upper class women, the Brunis and the Perrys; but a few working class too, who believe that this might be true. Even though ¼ of their female British citizens are subjected to threats and violence in their own homes. That they actively choose to disassociate from such a crucial and necessary cause is astonishing and doesn’t make sense. How is one able to claim such ignorance when feminists have been highlighting these issues before I was even born?

I like to play privilege Buckaroo in my head. I am a cis gendered woman with a few years of life behind me. I was educated in my relatively developed corner of the West. I have the sort of face that fits and a name I constructed to impress white people from whom I may need to seek employment. I struggle to think of all my privileges because, from where I normally sit, people haven’t always been welcoming. I am a BrAsian woman of Pakistani/Kashmiri heritage but I’m kind of a beige-y brown so people generally cannot place me. I’m the ‘other’, I have to ‘specify’ and this makes me suspicious to some folk. They want to trust me cos I like to drink gin and know all the lyrics to Pink Floyd but I start to twitch when people bring up the ethnics and their alien ways, and this alarms them. I should do a better job of being British and give over my old allegiances, deny my ancestral journey to this greatest of islands. But I can’t. Not because I hold dear my old culture or religion but because women like me have to smash through the patriarchal crap for women like my mother.

A child bride, uneducated, one of eight daughters; existing only so that one day she would cook and clean and bear children. Nobody asked her about her plans, she wasn’t taught consent or autonomy. She suffered. I haven’t had the best of lives but comparatively, I had the strength to fight back. I had white middle class teachers and a second wave feminist aunt. It no longer matters that my mother struggled to feed and clothe all four of us on £40 week child benefit, I looked forward to hippy guitar mornings with Mr Davies, the primary school teacher who gave me first Parker pen. I was not going to be like my mother, I said. I wasn’t going to be so weak and unable to help myself. I was going to elevate my status and never look back. Except.. It’s a little bit selfish thinking like that. I had hope. I could read English. My teachers believed in me; I was destined for great things. My mother was never given the opportunity. She wore a plait with a middle parting, a shalwar kameez and she wouldn’t look anyone in the eye. It made her look shifty but she was just painfully shy. I have privileges my mother wouldn’t have dared to dream about. I must remember this.

When conscientious white feminist friends start questioning the validity of the word feminism in the fight for equality for ALL women, it makes me think again about my privilege and the relative ease with which I can proclaim to be a feminist. Women of colour are struggling to find their place in this crucial global movement. But also, women of the working classes. Has it been hijacked by the white woman who believes in equality for well to do white women alone or is this another divide and rule mission for the patriarchy? It’s easy for a man to say that oppression is about class first and foremost, especially if that man happens to be called Marx but the fact remains that that is his privilege as a man. And a white man at that. White women with money (and some without) have the time and resources to make a stand. Banging on about equality whilst ignoring the prejudice and discrimination faced by women of colour, disabled women, trans women etc. is not the feminism I believed it to be. It’s patriarchy manifesting in the very people who were privileged enough to recognise the inequality they were themselves subjected to.

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”

We cannot let the patriarchy take the word ‘feminism’ away from us. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my issues with it, BUT I am damned if I let the patriarchy dictate its usage.

Fems, let us be inclusive. Let’s literally give a shit about ALL women. Listen to the women who have been toxically shamed into believing they are inferior, because they are black or mentally unwell. We need to be aware of our language and the way patriarchy subtly controls people who are the ‘other’.

Who’s with me?

Bless you father; for you have sinned

If, like me, you started today with a sinking feeling and a need to hide away under your duvet, chances are it’s not a very happy father’s day for you. There may be those who have been recently bereaved. This piece is not for them. This is not about the loving, doting, happy to provide and protect father; the one who read you a bedtime story and tucked you up in bed, waking to drive you to school the next day.  It’s not even about the strict dad, who scared your first boyfriend off because he would never be good enough for his little girl. It’s about the fathers who are only dads through DNA.

In the very beginning, a man deposited an amount of sperm in a woman’s body. He didn’t really love her, just felt like he owned her and could use her if he damn well pleased; being a man an’ all, with all the privilege that comes with it. Woman fell pregnant and man accused her of entrapment. Many women feel quite sad about this. Man seems all too happy to have sex with her but the second she falls pregnant, it’s all about her manipulative ways to snare a man. Surely man needs to be more careful about where he sticks it? Especially as precious new life may be the result. How irresponsible. Woman thinks it’d be a better world if people would only have sex with people they wouldn’t in fact mind having children with.

Woman and man have been raising the kids for a while now. He still maintains he did not want anything to do with her but miraculously causes another coupla babies to be born. I say man too, but really this is not true. Man lives his life whilst woman’s children are now her life. He drinks, he womanises, leaves evidence of his activities lying around for the children to see. Woman gains a shed load of weight. She stops washing. She loses the words to express herself. Man calls her a filthy disgusting pig and says it’s no wonder he is not attracted to her. Woman vows she does not care after the last time he punched her in the mouth and it bled.

The children are growing. They don’t like the way their father treats their mother. When he hits her, it causes a pain in their hearts, like he’s hitting them. When he laughs at her, they feel like crying because of the intense hurt. They resent the way he thinks he can withhold them from their mother. When she musters a little strength to say “no”, he tells her he will take her children away and kick her out on the street. The children plead with their mother to do as he says. They’re scared. When they disagree with him, he punches them too. Once, he made them choose the weapon from which they’d meet their end, if they carried on being so insolent. Rifle or Machete? Man keeps them under his bed. The children have no doubt he would do this, man likes to tell the story of another man who killed his entire family because the daughter had a boyfriend.

The children turn into teenagers and soon they start forming protective circles around their mum, dad can’t get at her when they’re in the way. But he still does and laughs as he throws his tweenie children off her and away, like bowling balls crashing into sofas and beds. The eldest vows she will leave and one day, everyone will know the truth. That some men use the word dad to use privileges they have no right to. That some dads don’t care for their children but see them as property. The ones who will drag their broods through court just to slander and tear up what remains of mum’s heart.

Mum left him you see, in the end. When the children were old enough, they carried her away. The truth of it all, in the end, is that the best a father can do for his children is to love their mother. He might not agree with what she does, he might not even like her character very much. But he loves the mother of his children because she gave him their precious babies. Those babies can tell when it is not genuine and when their mother is sad. And being that mother is the centre of their universe; dad could try and understand this. And be a righteous father.

Happy Father’s Day to decent dads the world over. You play an important role.

Be good to the mother of your children.

How you can help

Friends.

With Refuge facing closure due to government funding cuts of over 50%, women need your support more now than ever before.

Southall Black Sisters established in 1979, provide support to BME women at risk of or fleeing domestic abuse. Whenever there are cuts, services for the most vulnerable go first.

In response to the inherent racism and sexism we face in modern day Britain, I have decided to give up my long locks in protest and hopefully make a few pennies along the way.

Don’t worry, it’ll grow back!

We can’t bring women back from the dead though.

This year so far, there have been 47 gender related murders.

PLEASE DONATE:

Southall Black Sisters: http://www.justgiving.com/Sam-Ambreen?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=tweetfeed&utm_campaign=mypages

Refuge: http://www.justgiving.com/Sam-Ambreen0?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=tweetfeed&utm_campaign=mypages

Thank you for your support.

Man Says You’re Doing It Wrong

There is something scarily hilarious about men telling women how to do feminism. For centuries, they have dictated how we live and interact, making the important decisions because our delicate female brains couldn’t possibly handle them. They have dressed us how they’d like us, from burqas in the east to miniskirts and stilettos in the west, most of what we wear is catered to the local man’s tastes. They have managed to convince some women in the world that the only way to prevent sexual attack is to become indistinguishable from the next woman; save only for their eyes, which must not be enhanced in any way, make up is strictly forbidden. If the veil slips a little, Mohammed Bloggs can whip you in broad daylight and some will even be subjected to a virginity test. If her vagina is so sacred, why are strange people touching it without her express consent?

We live in a society where most people cannot believe that their friend is capable of domestic abuse. In my work as a DV worker, I came across a variety of perps, from all walks of life. Yes, there were alcoholics and drug abusers, prolific perpetrators, but then there were also senior psychiatric nurses, housing officers, famous musicians and comedians and sexual deviants with day jobs in Parliament. The world idolises misogynists, from Hunter S Thompson and Bret Easton Ellis to Roman Polanski and Woody Allen, privilege buys them immunity from laws we fought hard for to protect womankind. Their anger and vitriol against women makes them interesting to men who feel the same way. We live in a man’s world and what he says goes. “Oh but he’s so talented and so witty.” Like Frankie Boyle? Why do people laugh at depravity? What is funny about a disabled child trying to rape his mother?

Ellis told the Guardian “If you’re writing about a misogynist, does that then make a book misogynist? I don’t think I’m a misogynist. But even if I was, so what? So you’re a misogynist – so what? So you’re a homophobe, or a racist – so what? Does that make your art less interesting? I don’t think so. Call me a misogynist. I think basically most men are misogynistic. And it is what it is.”

Hm. So it doesn’t matter that it is damaging to women, just that people should find it interesting. Who cares if a few women get hacked or young girls get sodomised and then denied justice because Switzerland is happy about harbouring child rapists? Polanski pleaded guilty to ‘having sex with a 13 year old’, he served 42 days of his sentence but scarpered before they could hold him any longer. Rape apologists think of him as poor Polanski, some explain away his raping of a minor as a delayed reaction to the murder of his pregnant wife. Having experienced unwanted and illegal male attention aged 10, 15 and then between 17 and 21, I can’t say it has inspired me to sexually assault the male of the species.

They tell us our brand of feminism won’t work. “Feminism and bitterness do not make good bedfellows”. Being the most optimistic person I know, I can’t say I am bitter about life. About misogyny, yes. If there was a reduction in misogyny, this would also affect the level of bitterness I feel. I was called bitter for calling a perp, a perp. If a man ever thumps someone, whatever their justification, he is a perp. If he refuses to clean or pesters for money/sex, he is a perp. If he plays women against each other “just be grateful, you’re the one who won me!” He is a perp. If he sleeps around and denies it as though butter wouldn’t melt, he is a perp. If he calls you a slag, a slut, a whore, a cunt, he is a perp. If he refuses to have himself tested for sexually transmitted diseases, he is a perp. If he encourages you to take drugs, he is a perp. If he ever says “but I would never hit a woman”, you can be pretty sure he probably has. If he keeps company with wife beaters and womanisers, he is a perp. By condoning such behaviour, he is in agreement that sometimes it is justified. Violence against women is never ok. Decent men will always walk away.

They feel it’s their place to educate you, true misogynists really believe in their superiority.

“How do you ever expect to learn anything? Just a thought.”

Erm, I’m a reader? I study the world news on a daily basis. I keep my ear to the ground for local news. My 30 years of life feels like twice that amount, a lot has happened in a very short space of time, for me. But apparently what I really need is for a man to teach me the real truth. I imagine the average man believes me to be a Birkenstock wearing lesbian wanting to smash all men instead of patriarchy. “I just hope you get passed your hatred of men one day.”

I will never stop hating dominating, perpetrating, raping, sliming, sleazing, lying, womanising miscreants EVER.

If I were a man, I would not have strange men clamouring to educate me. If I were a man, I’d be accused of being a lily livered pussy, whipped by man-haters.com into letting men down by acknowledging the abuse and injustice women must face.

Controlling men control women, but they also control men too.

All Women Are Liars

“Domestic violence advocates falsely claim that 95 percent of the victims are women when in fact, these women are more likely to lie about this because they are paid to do so.”

So says Edward Nunes writing for the Times Herald in California.  No citation to back up the claim, just “from personal experience, I know that women are far more likely to lie about abuse because they are rarely prosecuted.” Personal experience… How does this justify the publication of an inflammatory article full of serious perp-like overtones? Rarely prosecuted in relation to what, domestic abuse? Could it possibly be because most perpetrators of harm are in fact male?

As an advocate, I find his statement abhorrent and patently untrue. We live in the kind of world where men are freely allowed to make things up and present as fact. Did the paper’s legal team even read the piece? As a woman, if I wrote “Most men use their privileges under patriarchy and believe it is their right to beat on women”, there’d be uproar at such a sweeping generalisation. If I then backed this up with, “men have been beating me up my whole life so it’s true” I’d be laughed out by my editor.

Women the world over are not reporting their rapes and assaults because they fear they will not be believed. Is it any wonder when men have the freedom to smear those trying to combat violence? In all my time as an advocate, I did not come across ONE survivor who I felt might be embellishing her story for effect. It was not my place to judge but it was my job to identify abuse. Many engage with services because they want a solution to their problems; for some this will mean reporting to the authorities but for many others they would like for it to remain private, maybe seek an intervention programme.

When Nunes makes the assertion that 95% of DV victims are women, we need to remember the word domestic. It implies violence within the home. Domestic violence is where one person lives in fear of an attack, where more often than not, the male partner seeks control of the relationship. We call this ‘patriarchal terrorism’. Where there is violence from both parties, this is termed ‘common couples violence’. Domestic violence statistics tally with the former. He also conveniently fails to mention the difference in dynamic of male perpetrated crime as opposed to female. Women are highly likely to experience a further incident of abuse after leaving a violent relationship. This is because they are considered to be ‘property’ and cannot leave without the ‘owner’s’ permission. Nunes couldn’t be more wrong and dangerous as a result.

In recent weeks, especially with the passing of International Women’s Day, I have experienced a sudden surge in abuse from men I have never met before. It started with a random attack from a follower on Twitter who decided I would bear his wrath because he could not access his children. There has been provocative discourse around rape and when it is and isn’t the man’s fault. I’ve been asked to pipe down and been accused of being disingenuous. All because I am female and speak up about women’s issues.

And apparently, I’m also a liar. I’ve lied about the hundreds of women I have had to support in my work, finding shelter for them, changing their identities; all lies apparently. Being beaten by my father, my brother, my uncles; those are all lies too if you believe Nunes. I DID hit my father once, square between the legs. He didn’t report to the police, no doubt because they (patriarchy) would have laughed in his face. If men are not reporting abuse, or the numbers are not reflective of people’s personal experiences, I would hazard a guess it has more to do with other men’s expectations of men than professionals who get their funding from the government* on some hysterical mission to rid the planet of men. Patriarchy doesn’t just hurt women, it hurts men too.

Whenever the global voice of woman takes a tentative step forwards, for example #ididnotreport, it provokes a backlash from those who do not believe in equal rights for women. In the words of Dennis Waterman: “The problem with strong, intelligent women is that they can argue, well. And if there is a time where you can’t get a word in … and I … I lashed out. I couldn’t end the argument.” So perpetrators resort to violence and blatant lies. Because they can. Male privilege has a lot to answer for.

“What has made women unhappy in the last decade is not their equality which they don’t yet have – but the rising pressure to halt, and even reverse, women’s quest for that equality”. (Backlash – The Undeclared War Against Women, Susan Faludi)

*Governments audit. You cannot just make up statistics as you see fit

http://www.timesheraldonline.com/opinion/ci_20229819/domestic-violence-advocates-are-biased-against-men

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2117453/Dennis-Waterman-admits-I-punched-ex-wife-Rula-Lenska.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Honour Based Crime: It’s Their Cultural Right

Domestic violence is illegal in this country. The term domestic violence extends to threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) and it doesn’t just affect spouses but also family members or members of the same household, irrespective of gender or sexuality. When an assault or threat of an assault is reported the police have a duty to investigate. Except in some cases they say they cannot undertake their duty lest they offend on grounds of cultural differences.

I am yet to encounter a culture where domestic abuse is enshrined as one of their respected practices. As in any culture across the world, the majority of people are peaceful and benign in their actions. They can be reasonable and resolve issues without resorting to harm. Islam, a religion that is touted as punitive and regressive to the development of women is often held up as an example by right wing pressure groups and media in the West of how men in the East continue to control their women because their holy book says so and somewhere in this book, it is alleged that God decrees domestic abuse as the right of man, it is not apparently a religion of peace as its followers believe but one of violence and control, oppressive and archaic. I’m not a Muslim by a long stretch of the imagination but I was institutionalised once upon a time. And I was victim to such abuses. However, I cannot say that I was abused because the good book said so. I was abused because the men in my family were hellbent on control.

Having arrived in the 60s, my grandfather (ex-army) had to muddle his way through British life by himself for the first few years. He found work as a foreman for British Steel. Without their wives and children, groups of men in their tens would share grotty bedsits in an effort to stay alive on the meagre wages they were paid but also to save so they could bring their families over. It was a time of deprivation and disorder; they were not wanted in this country. I think my grandfather was a very angry man, put upon and controlled by other men he could not afford to say boo to. And so the cycle began. They would bark orders at him and he would beat it down to her, my grandmother. She was a poor village girl he’d fallen in love with and eloped. Strange that my grandparents had what we term a love marriage whilst they forced most of their own children into marriages they did not want. I believe they did this because they felt they had to protect their culture. I remember my mother laughingly telling me how my gran had reacted to the news a distant relative had recently got married to a white man. My grandmother was adamant my sister and I should not hear about it, just in case we did the same.

Whenever any group migrates to new shores, they become insular, protective of who they are and where they come from. The culture in the Motherland will continue to move on and adapt, becoming modernised and globalised. When I went to Pakistan in 2002, I was shocked to find my girl cousins wearing short sleeves and getting their eyebrows done at the local beauticians. We were forbidden from doing such things. When your culture is not being oppressed, it is easier to move with the times. My cousins were not beaten, they were all studying and one was even going into engineering. Domestic abuse is not part of South Asian culture.

It is not part of Islam either. You’ll get the fundos with their beards and cropped trousers offering dawah, with their various takes on Islam and the role of the woman. One offered “if God did not exist (wait for him to finish saying his astagfirullahs) then woman would look to her man as her God”. Wait a minute, last time I checked it was women who had the power to create. If God did not exist (sorry god), then surely it is woman who takes the place of creator?

In relation to abuse, I have found two teachings which shed some light. Firstly, there is a passage on chastisement (domestic abuse to you and me). It is recommended, if the woman should speak out of turn (my mind usually wanders at such a sentence) then it is permissible to strike her on the arm with a ‘miswak’. A miswak is a twig from the Salvadora Persica tree which is used to clean the teeth. It is no bigger than your hand and about the thickness of a standard pencil. Texts are largely open to interpretation but I believe this to mean, you shouldn’t hit your wife. There is another teaching from the hadiths which suggest that if an argument ensues and your opponent is not a physical match to you, one must lay down on the ground. The change in stance has a calming effect. Perhaps I have chosen to focus on the bits where confrontation and violence are discouraged but when Muslims the world over call it the religion of peace, maybe it’s time we started listening.

Domestic abuse is not a cultural practice. It is the worst manifestation of control by people who feel the need to exert their control. I personally believe that statutory agencies are using this excuse to avoid having to deal with people they might not understand or actually care for. This excuse has gone on long enough, why are these agencies not putting some of their budget into courses designed to tackle culturally sensitive issues? For if they did, they might realise that saying domestic abuse aka ‘honour’ based crime  is a cultural thing, they ‘d be saying the same about us Brits. Where one person has intentions to harm another’s body or state of mind, the state has a duty to protect. Irrespective of the excuses the perpetrators think up.

How To Support A Survivor Of Domestic Abuse

When 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives, we all need to be prepared to deal with the fact that it might happen to someone we love. If you suddenly found out that your sister was being abused by her loving, doting husband, how would you react?

DON’T SAY: I can’t believe he would do something like that, what did you do? Why would he hurt you?

Perpetrators of domestic abuse are often charming and sociable characters. They know how to manipulate people into thinking they are calm and reasonable. Your sister will not have seen this side to him; he was hardly going to begin the relationship in his true colours. Asking her what she did and why the abuse took place is justifying the act. There are no excuses for physical and emotional abuse. I have had people argue that “she deserved a slap” for her behaviour. Or “she made me do it”. Nobody makes an abuser do or feel anything; they allow themselves to feel a certain way because it is never their fault, somehow they are always the wronged party. However she might behave, the decent thing for him to do is walk away.

DO: Offer to listen, without judgement or advice. However much you may want to protect your friend/family member, you cannot start telling them what to do. Chances are she is trying to leave a controlling situation, the last thing she will want is more orders. Instead, calmly offer your shoulder and listen. This might be the first time she has disclosed anything so you want to remain calm and in control. If you break down, she might feel she is burdening you. If she does ask for your help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 where they can advise you on how to plan around safety and advise on the steps she will need to take should she need to flee.

Remember: It has taken a lot of courage to break her silence. Confidentiality is key. You are there to buoy her spirits and offer reassurance that she is not alone. She might want an immediate solution, then again she might not. Relationships are complicated and there are bonds that run deep. He might be her abuser but he could also be her first love, the father of her children. She might just want him to seek help. You are not there to judge but to make life more bearable.

I have been approached once or twice by women who are dear to me. In these situations, I knew their partners, we all socialised together. Holding it together for them, kissing their abuser on the cheek when meeting, is difficult and requires strength and diplomacy. You can never lose sight of the trust your friend/family member has placed in you by confiding. Should they see past the façade, the consequences for your loved one could be devastating. Also, although you are trying to save the day here, don’t be a hero, you do not want to make yourself a target.

If you do find yourself involved in a situation where harm is imminent and your loved one needs to escape urgently, get together some essentials. Toiletries, passport, a change of clothes. Children’s favourite toys. Refuges are furnished and if she is not able to get away with more than what she is wearing, some refuges can make arrangements for provision and may also be able to enlist the help of the local police should she need to return to the property for the rest of her belongings. Ensure this is all done in a safe manner, if it is not possible then simply leave to another day.

As I have previously mentioned, the National Domestic Violence Helpline can help with queries. I am also here should you need additional support.

Tweet me.

Safe as Houses

Since Refuge announced it might have to close due to excessive funding cuts from the government, we have to question whether the withdrawal of support to such an institution is lawful and whether the local authority has a duty to provide shelter to those at risk of harm.

The Domestic Violence, Crime and Victims Act 2004 was the first revision of DV legislation in over 30 years and put in place new powers to support victims at risk of or fleeing domestic abuse, through the courts and police e.g making common assault an arrestable offence and breaching of non-molestation orders, a criminal offence. It implemented a framework from which all agencies could follow a code of practice to ensure all victims were given adequate support and protection.

This was an enhancement to existing legislation – Housing Act 1998 and Homelessness Act 2002 – which aimed to prevent further incidents of abuse by providing an interim duty to accommodate;  an admission that where there may be reason to believe (a verbal declaration should suffice) a person is believed to be at risk of homelessness due to domestic abuse and it is not reasonable to occupy their current premises, the local authority has a duty of care to establish whether they are in priority need (under section 184 Housing Act) and eligible for assistance.

In my experience as a DV worker, priority need differed from one city/borough to the next. Single women without children were not considered in this category and as such, their only recourse to safe accommodation came in the form of a refuge. Even in cases where a service user had come to the end of their license agreement, whereupon they would become unintentionally homeless, local authorities would refuse to accept they had duty of care, suggesting that we move the survivor on to another refuge. So much for Article 8 of the Human Rights Act 1998 – The right to privacy, family life, home and correspondence.

The role of a refuge is to provide temporary accommodation, a halfway house before suitable, permanent accommodation is allocated. As a rule, all the women passing through safe houses should submit homelessness applications on arrival, because they are in fact, unintentionally homeless. If, for whatever reason, the service user could not remain at the refuge, she was then considered to be intentionally homeless and as a result, not eligible for assistance. Survivors were being manipulated into staying at refuges.

I had a case once where the survivor was at an immediate risk of homicide. Police reports had been taken, her injuries photographed. She had been viciously attacked and her small children witnessed it taking place. Social services were involved. We were in the process of securing an injunction. A clear-cut case if ever there was one. Yet the local authority disallowed her application because the worker believed she was lying about her disclosure.  They simply did not believe her. She had presented with a hospital report but this was not enough. However, she was sent away with a list of refuges whom she would  have to call herself along with the advice that she may be in a refuge for up to 3 years, after which she would no longer be deemed priority need Band A and would be demoted to that of non-priority Band C. The housing worker suggested to my client that if she were to approach a refuge, the local authority might be more inclined to believe she was telling the truth. Despite the reams of paperwork and evidence suggesting she and her children were at an increased risk of homicide. Eventually, a multi-agency approach imcluding me and her social worker was successful in demonstrating the local authority did have a duty of care to “safeguard and promote the welfare of children in need” (Children Act 1989) which includes providing accommodation.

Essentially there are 3 options when fleeing:

• Homelessness application

• Transferring tenancy from current premises to another borough

• Refuge

Local housing lists are stretched beyond their limits, many more people presenting at Homeless Needs Units than there are properties available. In order to transfer tenancy, another must become available. As a result, many women are forced to stay in hostile situations. Or approach a refuge.

The Homelessness Code of Guidance for Local Authorities states (paragraph 16.27):

“Housing authorities should develop close links with women’s refuges within their district… However, housing authorities should recognise that placing an applicant in a refuge will generally be a temporary expedient only, and a prolonged stay could block a bed that was urgently needed by someone else at risk. Refuges should be used to provide accommodation for the minimum period necessary before alternative suitable accommodation is secured elsewhere.  Housing authorities should not delay in securing alterative accommodation in the hope that the applicant might return to her partner.”

If Refuge are forced to close their doors, where will the non-priority, supposedly intentionally homeless survivors of domestic abuse go? Local authorities will no longer be able to place duty of care at their door. A system that has already collapsed under the strain cannot conceivably provide additional support. How will local authorities cope with a drastic increase in homelessness applications? Will they have temporary accommodation in place for women who urgently need to flee? Where will they find the stock to re-house these urgent cases?

There are no answers to these questions because we cannot magic provision out of thin air.

I’m Every Woman

On the eve of International Women’s Day 2012 I was called a slag, a cunt and a whore. My crime? “banging on about womens rights n nhs what about us fathers oh yeah we dont matter” (sic) A timely reminder for why we need such a day in the first place. Of the 365 days of the year, today we can shout about the injustice billions of women face in their daily lives. The abuse 1 in 4 women will suffer. The 2 women a week that are murdered by their abusive partners. The never ending struggle to be recognised as equals, not above or beneath but standing together.

We’re not equal. We’re far from it. As a British woman of South Asian descent, I often hear how lucky I was to be born in the West. From people of the same background for sure, but white people point it out too. I don’t have to cover myself up (much), I have access to an education and my partner won’t chop off my the tip of my nose for getting the tea wrong. I should be grateful. Except I don’t feel it so much anymore. Our most feminist politicians (ever) are sending out a message that woman is a giggling schoolgirl, one to be jeered at and dismissed. She is incapable of taking control of her own body, her mental state is too fragile. They’ve put out a direct hit on women and their interests; cuts to the public sector resulting in job losses, withdrawing vital funds from women’s services. They have introduced a law which tells you whether you are involved with a perpetrator of domestic abuse but should you need to escape, you’ll have nowhere to go.

There are parts of the world in which men can have four wives. Somehow this is more repugnant than being with one wife but sleeping around. In some parts of the world they use rape to control ‘their’ women. In the UK, we just joke about doing it instead. The word slag is still commonly used. And slut, whore, bitch and cunt. And cougar and MILF. Women, they nag. They use their feminine wiles. They sleep around, they get you under the thumb. Sometimes, they even deserve a good slap.

Why does a man have to point out he would never hit a woman?

When 1 in 5 young men and 1 in 10 women think violence against women is acceptable, has the world really changed much at all?

Attitudes may have started to shift. Public displays of violence/abuse are not the norm so much. There has been a reduction in violence because we have had services like Refuge reminding the world it is not acceptable. So, some of it may have gone underground. Except it’s resurfacing now, from the top down. Emotional and mental abuse, toxic shaming, is thriving.

I haven’t felt as strongly about International Women’s Day as I do today. Learning that the UK did not even make the top ten for many of the awards in the Independent’s best and worst places to be a woman has a lot to do with it. And of course, the threatened closure of Refuge. I’m reminded of the judge who called an 11 year old girl “willing” at her rape trial.

I’m of the opinion the West is equally damaging to the physical and emotional well-being of woman.

Their methods may differ but their inherent need to own and control women is the same.

*Happy International Women’s Day*

Why doesn’t she just leave? (Trigger Warning)

Domestic Violence – Why doesn’t she just leave him?

Click on link to read feature

Thanks to @MrChrisEllis for making it readable