Listen up feminist comrades; we’re going to do something radical. I have been thinking about this for a while and have wondered how we can make it happen. Turns out it’s quite simple; we just need to start listening to ourselves. And talk to each other. In doing so, we’ll take a massive leap for feminism, and for each other. We will learn to trust our gut instincts and we’ll have a safe activist space; over the phone, via a text or DM.
I haven’t been an activisting feminist for very long. Active my whole life but not really involved. Coming together on Twitter with feminists from all over the world has been empowering and has made the struggle more real, but objectives a thousand times more achievable. It’s public and that makes it feel safe; we can trust each other through our shared experiences. There is no place to hide on a public forum, you are what you preach. But what if all is not what it seems?
Fems, we have to be aware that misogynists/predators/perpetrators are everywhere. They will invade our activist spaces and make us feel unsafe. Perpetrators do not present themselves as such from the off. They will endear themselves to you, support your cause, retweet every little thing you say.. They’ll show a united front with people you respect; by association you believe them to be a feminist ally. But what if they suddenly touch you without your consent? How would you feel if you were incessantly bombarded with calls, texts, emails and tweets? As women, we are programmed to believe we are somehow to blame for inappropriate behaviour if we so much as offer a predatory manz a rollie. But we can’t shake off THAT feeling. There’s a threat. It hasn’t found its voice yet but we’ve all been there before. It’s because we are women and we are at risk of being violated; at any time, by anyone. We need to listen to that feeling more, understand it, give it a name and call it out. But we don’t. Is it because we fear we won’t be believed? For my part, the last time I felt someone wasn’t being truthful, I questioned my own mental health. As a survivor, was I being overly sensitive? I didn’t want to say anything in case I prematurely jumped the gun. But, these thoughts were in fact adversely affecting my mental health by denying my gut instinct and not listening to my very real concerns. I had silenced myself.
Eventually I did speak to someone about it. And it turned out I wasn’t the only one. I was left feeling as though I should have said something sooner. But in feeling this way, I was victimising myself. It was not my fault that this person was hounding me. I may have giggled along to his jokes, I may have even flirted with him a little but this did not give him the right to impose himself on me. I reasoned that he had spoonie issues and as such, deserved my understanding. I didn’t feel able to express myself because of how he might be feeling but this was detrimental to my own mental health.
Perps/predators have a way of blending into the background. We reason that if they were a problem, we’d soon find out about it. If they happen to share friends with us, we are less likely to question their motives. But what if the connections you appear to have are an illusion? Online friendships/associations are easy to fake (as I have recently discovered). Someone starts following you on Twitter and they seem to share the same friends. They get involved in all your discussions, your friends engage them, everything seems above board. But then, when you begin to investigate the character, it transpires that nobody knows who they are. We’d all made the assumption that he was so and so’s friend. To discover he was as strange to them as he was to me felt like a violation.
I would like to suggest a solution to prevent this sort of thing from happening again. As a result of this incident, I felt unable to attend #Oct20 for fears around my safety. Safe activists’ spaces for women seem non-existent. We need more communication and a system where we can notify each other of any concerns we might have. A feminist mailing list, if you will. Somewhere we can discuss our concerns, regarding misogynists/perpetrators/predators regardless of their associations. We must pledge to hear out concerns, even if we do not see the risks ourselves. We must bear in mind that perpetrators are often charming, sociable characters and just because we have not personally seen anything yet, does not mean it did not happen. Support and discussion is a good enough place to start.
What are your thoughts?
Hey Sam. You know I’m pretty much stuck in the ‘lad but new man’ loop of the 90s, and I know full well my interest in feminism doesn’t mean I’m anywhere close to getting it, but I am genuinely interested (not least because I have a 15-year-old girl who’s already struggling with femininity vs feminism issues). So anyhoo, I’d be most interested to know your view on my first, honest reaction to your post.
It’s what I’d say if you’d told me this in person (as would a couple of our loveable mutual London male friends who spring to mind). It’d go something like this: “Who is this prick that’s been hassling you? We’ll go smash his face in.”
Now, I realise this is the sort of thing that makes me feel like a man, and I’d be saying this feeling all manly and protective, but (I’m guessing) the feminist response would go something along the lines of: “Piss off. We don’t need men to protect us.”
So does that mean that genetic/hereditary male need of ours to protect those we care about is outdated? Is it offensive for a woman to be deemed vulnerable by a man, when the man justifies his neanderthal reaction with the staunch belief that anyone on the receiving end of a predator is vulnerable?
My second reaction to your post was that the Internet has long been a flirting ground. You and I and many people we know have gone on sites that aren’t dating websites and flirted, sometimes with mutually satisfactory results. Yes, it ushers in freaks, and it sucks the experience you’ve mentioned ushered in what sounds like a grade A freak, but that doesn’t necessarily mean everyone should be on guard to weed out strangers who might just like following your posts around, instead of being perps who hang around every thread with grooming and violating on their mind?
I don’t know Sam. I’m just asking.
Dude: the first rule about feminism is that it’s NOT ABOUT YOU.
Succinct. ‘Like’.
Thank you. I try.
Shame. I was hoping there was more to it than a ‘you’re not welcome’ clique
Kismet – firstly apologies if I’ve misunderstood, secondly it may appear OT, but your statement that your daughter is struggling with femininity v feminist issues. They are not two opposing things. Many people think ‘femininity’ equals women being weak, fragile little flowers who need protecting and looking after. Feminine women can be strong – in fact feminine women are strong, determined, intelligent and fight for their rights.
The whole idea that a woman cannot be feminine if she is strong is one of the things that must be changed. Yes, women need ‘looking after’, just like men need ‘looking after’ but yes, men should should self-police. Only when misogynist men realise that other men, that the vast majority of other men, disapprove will they change. Because they are misogynists they won’t give a fig that women disapprove.
Look at the LGBT rights movement. It’s gained such momentum in the Western world largely because of straight allies. Every time a gay person comes out their brothers, sisters, parents and friends start to take the struggle personally. Somehow that doesn’t happen all the time when men find out that they have a female friend or relative. It needs to happen.
In relation to Sam’s article – yes women need to support women – but some women are our own worst enemy and always will be. I trust my male friends with my life, but when it comes to my emotions or talking about something which needs real unconditional support and understanding I would always trust my closest female friends, and hope that they can do so with me. In the wider struggle for equality we really need men to genuinely support us and, as above, self-police, when you see a male friend playing a ‘game’ of some sort call him out. Let him know you do not approve. Work with your daughters, not against them.
Sorry you had a bad experience. I totally agree with you about online safety. Even though odds are you’ll never, ever see that person in real life, it’s still creepy to know there are such active misogynist trolls. They must have a very sad life.
Unfortunately they infiltrate our groups IRL too. As an activist, you simply are not safe.
I can’t stand it that we can never NEVER let down our guard, but the truth is we can NEVER let down our guard. It isn’t cynical to be aware and smart. Always as women, as people of integrity, claim what is your responsibility and let go of blame for others’ transgressions.
Thank you Margaret x